Title: Who We Used to Be
Author: Dara Nelson
Series: Do-Over #1
Genre: M/M Romance
Release Date: June 15, 2019
Publisher: Dare Publishing
Ten years ago Zeke Malloy had everything:
A happy childhood, a shot at a state championship wrestling title, a best friend, a boyfriend (albeit a secret one but that was okay because, once they graduated, that would change).
He had love, happiness…...a heart.
All of that changed in the blink of an eye.
One moment he was deliriously happy, looking forward to a future with Digger Brandt, building a life, a home, a forever, with him.
And then it was gone, disappearing like the tears that flowed down Zeke’s cheeks as he watched from the back of the church as Digger married Lisa - with his father sitting proudly in the front pew. Those tears were still flowing when he walked out of that church and went directly to the nearest recruiting office. Because he didn’t just lose the love of his life that day, he lost his hopes, his dreams, he lost…..himself.
For the next ten years he was a machine - the best Marine, the best friend, but like a machine, he did it all without a beating heart. His was dead…..or was it?
Was ten years too long?
Was a broken heart too much?
Zeke didn’t know. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to know.
From the moment Digger walked up behind him and said in that smooth, sexy voice that used to light Zeke up six ways from Sunday, “The man I knew never had a problem with it,”, the only thing Zeke knew now was that he was about to find out.
Zeke stared at the amber colored liquid in his glass while trying to figure out what he was feeling. That was just the thing. He wasn’t feeling anything.
He was numb.
If he really allowed himself to think about it, he’d been numb for a decade. Since the day he’d opened his front door and had seen that invitation sticking out from under his doormat. That was the last day he’d felt anything at all. And what he’d felt then was total, utter devastation as he collapsed onto the porch swing as those words penetrated his brain. Such a profound sense of not only sadness, but the devastating knowledge that life as he knew it was over.
Everything he thought he knew was shattered.
How could he do this?
Everything he thought he could have was gone.
Did he know her? Had he been cheating the whole time?
And anger - god there was so much anger.
The cowardly fucker didn’t even have the balls to look him in the eye when he destroyed him.
He swore he could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. It was also the day that he lost all hope of finding his happily ever after.
It was the day he was forced to come to terms with the fact that he and Digger were not meant to be.
Shit. Every time one of Zeke’s crappy relationships ended, he always thought of Digger.
Digger Brandt. The first boy he’d kissed. The first boy he’d touched. The first...and only…. boy he’d ever loved.
Digger Brandt. The man who had destroyed Zeke Malloy. Ruined him for all others.
“Fuck,” he mumbled as he scrubbed a hand over his face. He really needed to stop doing this.
He had to find a way to get over Digger Brandt once and for all.
But how?
As he brought his glass up until it touched his lips, he felt a presence behind him, the heat of someone close, someone big, someone strong, someone that Zeke might be able to get lost in.
“I don’t bottom,” he said, getting that shit outta the way right quick.
A deep chuckle rumbled out of the man’s chest. It was so sexy it made Zeke’s balls tingle.
“The man I knew never had a problem with it.”
Zeke’s eyes squeezed shut.
He knew that voice.
He’d felt that voice.
He’d swallowed that voice into his body when the man came, dozens of times.
He still heard that voice every time he jacked off, despite trying to fight it with everything he had.
If he allowed himself to, he could easily get lost in that voice again.
He shook his head.
No. Not again. Never again.
“The boy you knew doesn’t exist anymore,” he growled and then he tipped back his glass, welcoming the burn as the liquid slid down his throat.
He felt the change in the man behind him, knew without looking that he’d gone from self-assured, cocky even, to unsteady, remorseful…..guilty.
Good.
“Zeke, I….”
“Don’t, Digger. Just fucking don’t. Go back to your perfect house, your white picket fence, your beautiful wife, your two point five kids. Go back to whatever fake little happy life you built and leave me the fuck alone.”
God. Ten fucking years of trying to forget him erased in sixty seconds.
He signaled to Joe, the bartender, for another and tried to ignore the fact that he could still feel Digger behind him.
When Digger slid onto the empty stool next to Zeke, he wanted to turn and walk out.
But he couldn’t.
He felt like he was anchored to his spot with a one-ton boulder.
To be honest, he was anchored, but not by a boulder; by a six-foot-one heart-breaking asshole named Douglas Digger Brandt.
Zeke refused to turn and look at the man.
Truth be told, he was afraid to look.
Afraid that he just might drop to his knees and beg the man to love him, to really love him, the way Zeke thought he had all those years ago, the way Zeke had loved him, the way a still fucking loved him.
Hell, he’d probably even offer to be his dirty little secret if Digger asked him to.
Just anything to get the man to touch him one more time.
Nobody had ever touched Zeke the way that Digger had, like he was trying to fuse them together, like he was pulling whatever it was that made Zeke, Zeke, into himself. He didn’t even have to touch Zeke’s dick, although that was amazing too. Just the tips of his fingers on Zeke’s skin or the brush of his lips on his neck made Zeke feel like he was the only thing in the world that mattered.
Everything that was Digger slid effortlessly together with Zeke like the pieces of a perfect puzzle.
A puzzle whose pieces Digger had scattered to the wind the moment he had walked away.
Maybe nobody had ever touched Zeke like that since because he’d never allowed it, because he’d never let someone get that close.
Never again.
A heartbreak like that was something you never forgot - it changed you.
He was numb.
If he really allowed himself to think about it, he’d been numb for a decade. Since the day he’d opened his front door and had seen that invitation sticking out from under his doormat. That was the last day he’d felt anything at all. And what he’d felt then was total, utter devastation as he collapsed onto the porch swing as those words penetrated his brain. Such a profound sense of not only sadness, but the devastating knowledge that life as he knew it was over.
Everything he thought he knew was shattered.
How could he do this?
Everything he thought he could have was gone.
Did he know her? Had he been cheating the whole time?
And anger - god there was so much anger.
The cowardly fucker didn’t even have the balls to look him in the eye when he destroyed him.
He swore he could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. It was also the day that he lost all hope of finding his happily ever after.
It was the day he was forced to come to terms with the fact that he and Digger were not meant to be.
Shit. Every time one of Zeke’s crappy relationships ended, he always thought of Digger.
Digger Brandt. The first boy he’d kissed. The first boy he’d touched. The first...and only…. boy he’d ever loved.
Digger Brandt. The man who had destroyed Zeke Malloy. Ruined him for all others.
“Fuck,” he mumbled as he scrubbed a hand over his face. He really needed to stop doing this.
He had to find a way to get over Digger Brandt once and for all.
But how?
As he brought his glass up until it touched his lips, he felt a presence behind him, the heat of someone close, someone big, someone strong, someone that Zeke might be able to get lost in.
“I don’t bottom,” he said, getting that shit outta the way right quick.
A deep chuckle rumbled out of the man’s chest. It was so sexy it made Zeke’s balls tingle.
“The man I knew never had a problem with it.”
Zeke’s eyes squeezed shut.
He knew that voice.
He’d felt that voice.
He’d swallowed that voice into his body when the man came, dozens of times.
He still heard that voice every time he jacked off, despite trying to fight it with everything he had.
If he allowed himself to, he could easily get lost in that voice again.
He shook his head.
No. Not again. Never again.
“The boy you knew doesn’t exist anymore,” he growled and then he tipped back his glass, welcoming the burn as the liquid slid down his throat.
He felt the change in the man behind him, knew without looking that he’d gone from self-assured, cocky even, to unsteady, remorseful…..guilty.
Good.
“Zeke, I….”
“Don’t, Digger. Just fucking don’t. Go back to your perfect house, your white picket fence, your beautiful wife, your two point five kids. Go back to whatever fake little happy life you built and leave me the fuck alone.”
God. Ten fucking years of trying to forget him erased in sixty seconds.
He signaled to Joe, the bartender, for another and tried to ignore the fact that he could still feel Digger behind him.
When Digger slid onto the empty stool next to Zeke, he wanted to turn and walk out.
But he couldn’t.
He felt like he was anchored to his spot with a one-ton boulder.
To be honest, he was anchored, but not by a boulder; by a six-foot-one heart-breaking asshole named Douglas Digger Brandt.
Zeke refused to turn and look at the man.
Truth be told, he was afraid to look.
Afraid that he just might drop to his knees and beg the man to love him, to really love him, the way Zeke thought he had all those years ago, the way Zeke had loved him, the way a still fucking loved him.
Hell, he’d probably even offer to be his dirty little secret if Digger asked him to.
Just anything to get the man to touch him one more time.
Nobody had ever touched Zeke the way that Digger had, like he was trying to fuse them together, like he was pulling whatever it was that made Zeke, Zeke, into himself. He didn’t even have to touch Zeke’s dick, although that was amazing too. Just the tips of his fingers on Zeke’s skin or the brush of his lips on his neck made Zeke feel like he was the only thing in the world that mattered.
Everything that was Digger slid effortlessly together with Zeke like the pieces of a perfect puzzle.
A puzzle whose pieces Digger had scattered to the wind the moment he had walked away.
Maybe nobody had ever touched Zeke like that since because he’d never allowed it, because he’d never let someone get that close.
Never again.
A heartbreak like that was something you never forgot - it changed you.
I did not choose to write…..writing chose me.
Kendel Duncan is the pen name for Dara Nelson. Why a pen name? I first chose it because I was initially writing in two different genres (M/F Paranormal and Gay Romance). I’ve since transitioned into a strictly gay romance author – writing romance, action, suspense and second chance romances.
I’ve tackled subjects that I’m very proud of, including losing a spouse, living with HIV, among other things.
I was born and raised in the Bay Area of Northern California but have made my home in the Pacific Northwest for the last two decades. My husband & I live on a small farm surrounded by chickens, goats, rabbits, a turkey, 5 dogs and a cat, in the shadow of stunning Mt Rainier.
With my grown children and grandchildren nearby, my life is always busy, happy and full of laughter.
I am an active Blogger, having created Love Unchained Book Reviewsout of my love for all things MM books.
Owner of Dare Press- Offering quality, affordable services for indie authors, including:
Editing, Publishing, Book Cover Design
NY Literary Magazine Best Story Award 2017 Nominee
When I’m not on the phone with my best friend (which is at least once every day) – I am an avid, addicted reader. It is my passion, my escape, my joy.
And I am most definitely a writer. The characters in my head are constantly demanding that their story be told.
But above all that - I am a human being. My passion for people is unparalleled, my firm belief in Love is Love unwavering, my hope that all can be accepted, undying. I do not write because I want to, I do it because I haveto. I write because these voices, these beautiful men, have chosen me to tell their stories – and how damn lucky am I for that?
As an author, I write under both my name and a pen name, with total transparency and honesty:
Dara Nelson is the author of:
Author of the wildly popular ‘Healing Hearts’ series (Love in the Aftermath, Love After Chaos, Love Worth Fighting For – and more to come soon)
“5 stars 5 stars Amazing!!”
“Highly recommended”
“This is not your average romance story. It is so much more. A book that touched my heart.”
“OMG!!! This was probably one of the best books I've ever read.”
“This is the first time I've read anything from Dara Nelson, but it won't be the last. I need more of her writing!”
Under the pen name Kendel Duncan:
Author of the popular & critically acclaimed ‘Black Ops Heroes’ series and the new top-selling ‘Doyle Global Securities’ series
“I can't recommend Kendel Duncan or Black Ops Heroes ENOUGH!!!! OMG, everyone who likes strong vulnerable men will love these stories!!!”
“I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK AND THIS AMAZING SERIES!!!!!”
“I love how you keep the story going and keep all the characters interesting. Can't wait for the next book!”
“The emotions are so raw and just I don't have the right words to express how amazing the books are. You have to read them to understand. I can't wait for the next installment!!”
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