Title: SAINT UNSHAMED: A Gay Mormon’s Life
Healing from the Shame of Religion, Rape, Conversion Therapy & Cancer
Author: Kerry Ashton
Genre: Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, M/M Romance
Release Date: April 17, 2019
Publisher: Lynn Wolf Enterprises
The first paragraph of Kerry Ashton's new memoir explains a lot: “I told this story once as fiction in the 1980s, but this time I tell the truth. I even tell the truth, in #MeToo fashion, about being violently raped by another man when I was 18, with a knife held to my throat—a secret I kept from everyone, including myself, for over 40 years. The rape, like other experiences I endured while a student at Brigham Young University, where I came out in the early 1970s, had a profound impact on my later life. But this story is not so much about my rape or my coming of age at BYU, as it is about the lifelong effects of shame itself, not only about how I internalized and inherited a wounding shame from my Mormon upbringing, but also how I eventually unshamed myself. It is about the journey of a lifetime, finding spiritual growth, self-discovery and healing along the way, while encountering many miraculous events that pushed me forward through darkness toward the light.”
Telling about his experiences during his four years at BYU—the rape, falling in love for the first time, police surveillance, harassment and arrest, while enduring three years of conversion therapy and electric shock treatments—provide the structure of Kerry’s memoir. But intermittently, the author shares memories from his childhood, growing up Mormon in Pocatello, Idaho, and later from his adulthood, as well as from his professional career as an actor and writer, both in L.A. and NYC, describing encounters with Barbra Streisand, Elizabeth Taylor, Bette Davis and Julie Harris, while detailing his experiences with Tennessee Williams and his brief affair with Stephen Sondheim. Lastly, he talks about the 12 years he spent in therapy, about his 16-year battle with cancer, how he eventually rid himself of the shame internalized from his Mormon youth, sharing glimpses into his sexual journey from his innocent youth through S&M and the gay leather scene in mid-life to the loving monogamous relationship he now enjoys.
“A TRIUMPHANT MEMOIR!” --Clarion Books
👀There are many erotic passages—most are hardcore, erotic and explicit passages, all M/M. Many deal with scenes of sexual humiliation, degradation, group scenes, S&M and/or the gay male leather scene.👀
*********************
The Holy War, as I have come to think of it, began on a hot day in early September 1971, the day I left Pocatello to drive four hours south to Provo, Utah, to attend Brigham Young University. As in all wars, whether holy or unholy, it would not be without its casualties.
I spent the morning packing things in my ‘56 Chevrolet, parked in the spot on the lawn where our driveway would have been had my parents ever had the money to pave it. A yellow-and-bronze, two- door coupe with cream interior, a huge cream steering wheel, and black dashboard, the car had class, which is why I named it Oscar— after the Academy Awards I hoped to win one day.
As I packed Oscar full of boxes, Dad worked under the hood of the car. Once Oscar was filled with boxes, I sank down on our front lawn. Knowing this would be my last day at home, I tried to capture everything I saw and felt around me: The red of Mom's roses framing our side porch, the hazy blue of the late morning sky, the large pine tree at the front of our corner lot, and the blue-grey crag of Scout Mountain in the distance, where I had always imagined Santa’s sleigh flew over on Christmas Eve.
Hearing Mom humming in the kitchen as she prepared lunch, everything seemed right in my Latter-Day-Saint world.
Getting up from the grass, I walked over to where Dad was still working under Oscar’s hood. “Everything look okay, Dad?” I asked.
“Oh, sure,” Dad replied in his folksy way. “I just wanted to make sure everything’s good with your car. I don’t want you stranded on the highway.”
Though I had fulfilled every church obligation, I was not the mechanic that Dad had hoped each of his three sons would become. I left mechanical jobs to Dad or to my two older brothers, both married by then.
“I love you, Dad,” I said suddenly. He stopped tinkering with the spark plugs and looked up at me. “I love you, too, son,” he replied, embracing me with a greasy hug.
Mom came out on the side porch just then. Wiping her hands on her apron, she called out to us, “Okay, you two! Lunch is ready!”
I washed my hands at the kitchen sink and let Dad wash his hands in the bathroom. Then I joined Mom at the kitchen table while we waited for Dad.
“Kerry Lynn,” she whispered, stroking my dark brown hair as she often did, “I don't know what I'm going to do without you.”
Now a grown-up, or so I thought, I bristled at her calling me by both my given names as it sounded so girlish. But since it was my last day at home, I chose to ignore it.
“With all the kids married,” Mom continued, “and you going off to college, this house is going to feel awfully empty without you.”
“Maybe you and Dad will finally get some peace and quiet,” I kidded. “Maybe now you two can finally go on that second honeymoon you’ve talked about.”
“Maybe,” she said, laughing as she reached out to hold me. “I
love you, Kerry.” As she held me tight, I never wanted to let go. Once Dad joined us at the table, he said a blessing on the food, as
we always did in our home.
After the blessing, we tore through the food. Mom had made
some of my favorites: Her wonderful potato and egg salad, savory burgers with all the trimmings, and delicious corn-on-the-cob bought fresh from the farmer’s market.
After lunch, we went into the living room where Dad anointed my head with oil, laid his hands upon my head, and gave me a sacred Father's Blessing—the blessing of a Melchizedek Priesthood Elder— warning me to be “mindful of the Adversary.”
Before I left that day, Dad took a photograph of me standing in front of Oscar. Barely 18 and dressed neatly, at 6’3” and 190 pounds, I was the very image of a conservative, clean-cut, LDS young man who loved his Mormon family, the LDS Church, and his Heavenly Father.
I arrived at Salt Lake City three hours later. From there, it took me another hour driving south on Interstate 15 before I arrived in the city of Provo.
Taking my first glimpse that day of Provo through Oscar’s wide windshield, I could see the white LDS Temple huddled against the Wasatch Mountains, its golden steeple gleaming in the late afternoon sun. Further north, Mount Timpanogos reached heavenward, while a sign at the main entrance to the BYU campus read: “The World Is Our Campus.” In reality, the campus became my world.
Driving north past the immense Cougar Stadium, and then into the foothills just beyond the BYU campus, then turning east and heading toward the mountains, I came to the huge Marriott Sports Arena under construction on my right, and stopped at the light. Once the light turned green, I made a left turn onto Sumac Avenue, climbing dramatically into the foothills, before pulling into the driveway in front of my new off-campus apartment.
What is the biggest influence/interest that brought you to this genre?
Sometimes only writing in the genre of memoir can get the job done. In my case, I came to the genre only after a lifetime of growth.
I first had the idea to write about my coming out experience at BYU way back in the early 1980s. It was an idea that my literary agent Mitch Douglas of ICM, but he encouraged me to write as thinly-veiled fiction.
I wrote four different drafts during those early years of the 80s and eventually Mitch submitted it to Alyson Press, the leading gay publishing house at the time, which accepted it. As my dream was to publish the book with a mainstream publisher, and being both young and bold, I turned the offer down. Unfortunately, my rash and youthful decision led to me splitting with my agent at the time. And that proved to be a setback in my career. Mitch Douglas didn’t need me as a client. He already represented Tennessee Williams, after all, and several other major writers. Though Mitch and I ended our professional relationship then, happily we remained friends to this day, and he is still very supportive of this memoir.
Needless to say, after splitting with Mitch and when I could not find a mainstream publisher that was interested in the book, at least not on my own without an agent, I went on to other projects.
Now, all these decades later, I returned to the book and decided that I was now ready to tell the true story of my experience, no longer willing or able to hide behind the guise of fiction. Now, as I look back on it, I realize that I wasn't ready in the 1980s to tell the truth and to fully own my experience. I had already come out as a gay man, but I hesitated to tell the story as a memoir—the way I have since realized I always needed to tell the story. Though I was already out, not only as a gay man but also as a gay writer and performer, having had success with my one-man performance about Oscar Wilde, I wasn’t ready to tell the whole truth about my past, to face my Mormon family with all of the feelings I had about having been raised within the confines and the beliefs of the Mormon Church.
After battling with a rare and very debilitating cancer for over a decade, which meant me withdrawing entirely from my professional actor and writer, brought about a spiritual transformation within me. After winning my battle with cancer a few years back, I realized that I was finally and fully ready to tell the whole truth about my life, from the perspective of a much older man who can look back now and realize all of the many mistakes I made along the way, without judging myself harshly in the process. That’s when I set about reworking and rewriting my original fiction written in the early 80s, which eventually became this memoir.
But deciding to write this book as a memoir, rather than behind the facade of a thinly-veiled fiction, was not easy, particularly when I wrangled with myself over whether or not I had the courage to tell the true story of being raped by another man, at knifepoint, at the age of 18. It would have been so much easier to tell the story as someone else’s experience, not my own. And it is no coincidence that when I have given public readings from different excerpts of the book, I never read from that portion of my memoir. It is just too painful. It was painful writing it, and it is extremely emotionally painful for me to read that passage, much less read it aloud. I doubt I could get through it if I did attempt to read it.
Also, I struggled with myself about wanting to ever share this memory, and some other difficult memories, with anyone, least of all in a memoir. I believe the following passage from the memoir explains best my feelings regarding this aspect:
“In writing one’s memoir, and choosing to go public with the most sexually intimate details of one’s life—as I do within these pages—it’s scary. It’s like opening up one’s private diary to everyone on the planet. Was I absolutely certain that I wanted to share my most hidden and well-kept secrets with the world? How would the members of my Mormon family react once my book was published? Would the conservative members of my family shun me once they read the graphic details of my sexual experiences, particularly the most vile and violent details of my rape? Would sharing these true experiences from my life with the world, even matter? Like so many in the #MeToo movement who have had the courage to come forward, to tell the truth of their sexual assault and to speak their truth to power—the most recent and powerful example being Dr. Christine Blasey Ford—would I even be believed? All rape and sexual assault victims struggle with similar questions when they contemplate coming forward and telling the ugly truth of what happened to them. Like them, I had to contend with the same inner conflicts and questions.
In the end, I decided that not only did I have the right to speak out, I had a sacred obligation to do so, and let the chips fall where they may. First and foremost, I owed it to my inner child to tell how he was betrayed and abandoned throughout much of my life. And I owed it to all rape victims and to all those in the #MeToo movement, especially the male victims of sexual assault, who might take comfort and find healing from my true story of overcoming shame, such that they might in turn find the courage to heal their own shame, and come out of hiding. So when I decided my book would reach the public somehow, even if I had to publish it myself, it was a solemn decision.”.
When writing a book, what is your favorite part of the creative process(outline, plot, character names, editing, etc)?
By far I find the most joy in the rewriting and editing phase. It’s when I feel I can turn good writing into hopefully great writing. For me, it is the refining process, almost like honing a fine gem until I finally feel satisfied with the last edit. This process can take me a long time. While working on SAINT UNSHAMED, for example, I rewrote and edited so many versions of th e book, that this process alone took over a year-and-a-half. The first draft was over 1200 pages, which I whittle down to 344, so that gives you an idea of how much reworking I do. And I find that, at least for me, it is not so much what I choose to leave in as what I agonizingly decide to leave out. A lot of the work ends up being edited out, but hopefully that makes the final product more powerful and well-written.
When reading a book, what genre do you find most interesting/intriguing?
It will probably surprise you since I’ve never written in the genre, but I have always loved science fiction. When I was a young man, I idolized Ray Bradbury, for example, and read everything he ever wrote. It is surprising that I haven’t felt the urge to write any science fiction myself, but who knows? I may get to it later in life. Right now, I am working on the sequel to my memoir. The sequel focuses specifically on my sexual journey through life,and how this brought healing to my psyche, spirit and body. I hope to have it completed and published by 2020, or at least by 2021.
If you could co-author with any author, past or present, who would you choose?
This is an easy answer. Other than SAINT UNSHAMED, of all of the works I have written in my life, it is THE WILDE SPIRIT—a one-man play with music, based upon the life and works of Oscar Wilde, for which I also wrote the book, music and lyrics—that has enjoyed the most success. When THE WILDE SPIRIT had its World Premiere in June 1977 at New Playwrights Foundation in Los Angeles, when I achieved acclaim for both his play and performance. The show subsequently ran for nearly two years in L.A., moving to the larger Theatre Rapport and then to The Cast Theater. Later produced in New York, first Off-Off-Broadway in 1982, then Off-Broadway in 1996, acting as my own producer I also brought my play to Provincetown, MA in 1990-1992, running for 11 months, making it the longest-running play in Cape Cod's history. Over time, I have given over 1,000 live performances of THE WILDE SPIRIT across the United States, before an estimated 40,000 people, performing in professional engagements at some of America's most prestigious universities and at several regional theaters. Acclaimed by critics nationwide for both my play and performance, I have been lucky to win several awards for THE WILDE SPIRIT, including three 1977 Los Angeles Civic Star Awards for Best Play, Best Actor, and Best Direction. I also received the National Award of Merit from ASCAP for the original music and lyrics that I wrote for the play. So, when I think of the one author, past or present, to co-author a book with, my first and really only choice would be Oscar Wilde! Can you imagine what a hoot we would have together writing some new gay fiction?
Have you always wanted to write or did it come to you "later in life"?
It seems I always wanted to be a writer and an actor from a very early age. I wrote my first full play, BUFFALO HEAD NICKELS, at the age of 17, and published it with Pioneer Drama Service at 18. Since then, I have written and published several plays and books, but it all started from as far back as I can remember, with the passion to write. At nine, when I told my mother that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up, she didn’t scoff but instead went straight out and bought me a typewriter. And that’s where it all began.
Sometimes only writing in the genre of memoir can get the job done. In my case, I came to the genre only after a lifetime of growth.
I first had the idea to write about my coming out experience at BYU way back in the early 1980s. It was an idea that my literary agent Mitch Douglas of ICM, but he encouraged me to write as thinly-veiled fiction.
I wrote four different drafts during those early years of the 80s and eventually Mitch submitted it to Alyson Press, the leading gay publishing house at the time, which accepted it. As my dream was to publish the book with a mainstream publisher, and being both young and bold, I turned the offer down. Unfortunately, my rash and youthful decision led to me splitting with my agent at the time. And that proved to be a setback in my career. Mitch Douglas didn’t need me as a client. He already represented Tennessee Williams, after all, and several other major writers. Though Mitch and I ended our professional relationship then, happily we remained friends to this day, and he is still very supportive of this memoir.
Needless to say, after splitting with Mitch and when I could not find a mainstream publisher that was interested in the book, at least not on my own without an agent, I went on to other projects.
Now, all these decades later, I returned to the book and decided that I was now ready to tell the true story of my experience, no longer willing or able to hide behind the guise of fiction. Now, as I look back on it, I realize that I wasn't ready in the 1980s to tell the truth and to fully own my experience. I had already come out as a gay man, but I hesitated to tell the story as a memoir—the way I have since realized I always needed to tell the story. Though I was already out, not only as a gay man but also as a gay writer and performer, having had success with my one-man performance about Oscar Wilde, I wasn’t ready to tell the whole truth about my past, to face my Mormon family with all of the feelings I had about having been raised within the confines and the beliefs of the Mormon Church.
After battling with a rare and very debilitating cancer for over a decade, which meant me withdrawing entirely from my professional actor and writer, brought about a spiritual transformation within me. After winning my battle with cancer a few years back, I realized that I was finally and fully ready to tell the whole truth about my life, from the perspective of a much older man who can look back now and realize all of the many mistakes I made along the way, without judging myself harshly in the process. That’s when I set about reworking and rewriting my original fiction written in the early 80s, which eventually became this memoir.
But deciding to write this book as a memoir, rather than behind the facade of a thinly-veiled fiction, was not easy, particularly when I wrangled with myself over whether or not I had the courage to tell the true story of being raped by another man, at knifepoint, at the age of 18. It would have been so much easier to tell the story as someone else’s experience, not my own. And it is no coincidence that when I have given public readings from different excerpts of the book, I never read from that portion of my memoir. It is just too painful. It was painful writing it, and it is extremely emotionally painful for me to read that passage, much less read it aloud. I doubt I could get through it if I did attempt to read it.
Also, I struggled with myself about wanting to ever share this memory, and some other difficult memories, with anyone, least of all in a memoir. I believe the following passage from the memoir explains best my feelings regarding this aspect:
“In writing one’s memoir, and choosing to go public with the most sexually intimate details of one’s life—as I do within these pages—it’s scary. It’s like opening up one’s private diary to everyone on the planet. Was I absolutely certain that I wanted to share my most hidden and well-kept secrets with the world? How would the members of my Mormon family react once my book was published? Would the conservative members of my family shun me once they read the graphic details of my sexual experiences, particularly the most vile and violent details of my rape? Would sharing these true experiences from my life with the world, even matter? Like so many in the #MeToo movement who have had the courage to come forward, to tell the truth of their sexual assault and to speak their truth to power—the most recent and powerful example being Dr. Christine Blasey Ford—would I even be believed? All rape and sexual assault victims struggle with similar questions when they contemplate coming forward and telling the ugly truth of what happened to them. Like them, I had to contend with the same inner conflicts and questions.
In the end, I decided that not only did I have the right to speak out, I had a sacred obligation to do so, and let the chips fall where they may. First and foremost, I owed it to my inner child to tell how he was betrayed and abandoned throughout much of my life. And I owed it to all rape victims and to all those in the #MeToo movement, especially the male victims of sexual assault, who might take comfort and find healing from my true story of overcoming shame, such that they might in turn find the courage to heal their own shame, and come out of hiding. So when I decided my book would reach the public somehow, even if I had to publish it myself, it was a solemn decision.”.
When writing a book, what is your favorite part of the creative process(outline, plot, character names, editing, etc)?
By far I find the most joy in the rewriting and editing phase. It’s when I feel I can turn good writing into hopefully great writing. For me, it is the refining process, almost like honing a fine gem until I finally feel satisfied with the last edit. This process can take me a long time. While working on SAINT UNSHAMED, for example, I rewrote and edited so many versions of th e book, that this process alone took over a year-and-a-half. The first draft was over 1200 pages, which I whittle down to 344, so that gives you an idea of how much reworking I do. And I find that, at least for me, it is not so much what I choose to leave in as what I agonizingly decide to leave out. A lot of the work ends up being edited out, but hopefully that makes the final product more powerful and well-written.
When reading a book, what genre do you find most interesting/intriguing?
It will probably surprise you since I’ve never written in the genre, but I have always loved science fiction. When I was a young man, I idolized Ray Bradbury, for example, and read everything he ever wrote. It is surprising that I haven’t felt the urge to write any science fiction myself, but who knows? I may get to it later in life. Right now, I am working on the sequel to my memoir. The sequel focuses specifically on my sexual journey through life,and how this brought healing to my psyche, spirit and body. I hope to have it completed and published by 2020, or at least by 2021.
If you could co-author with any author, past or present, who would you choose?
This is an easy answer. Other than SAINT UNSHAMED, of all of the works I have written in my life, it is THE WILDE SPIRIT—a one-man play with music, based upon the life and works of Oscar Wilde, for which I also wrote the book, music and lyrics—that has enjoyed the most success. When THE WILDE SPIRIT had its World Premiere in June 1977 at New Playwrights Foundation in Los Angeles, when I achieved acclaim for both his play and performance. The show subsequently ran for nearly two years in L.A., moving to the larger Theatre Rapport and then to The Cast Theater. Later produced in New York, first Off-Off-Broadway in 1982, then Off-Broadway in 1996, acting as my own producer I also brought my play to Provincetown, MA in 1990-1992, running for 11 months, making it the longest-running play in Cape Cod's history. Over time, I have given over 1,000 live performances of THE WILDE SPIRIT across the United States, before an estimated 40,000 people, performing in professional engagements at some of America's most prestigious universities and at several regional theaters. Acclaimed by critics nationwide for both my play and performance, I have been lucky to win several awards for THE WILDE SPIRIT, including three 1977 Los Angeles Civic Star Awards for Best Play, Best Actor, and Best Direction. I also received the National Award of Merit from ASCAP for the original music and lyrics that I wrote for the play. So, when I think of the one author, past or present, to co-author a book with, my first and really only choice would be Oscar Wilde! Can you imagine what a hoot we would have together writing some new gay fiction?
Have you always wanted to write or did it come to you "later in life"?
It seems I always wanted to be a writer and an actor from a very early age. I wrote my first full play, BUFFALO HEAD NICKELS, at the age of 17, and published it with Pioneer Drama Service at 18. Since then, I have written and published several plays and books, but it all started from as far back as I can remember, with the passion to write. At nine, when I told my mother that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up, she didn’t scoff but instead went straight out and bought me a typewriter. And that’s where it all began.
Raised in Pocatello, Idaho as a Mormon in the heart of Mormon Zion, Kerry attended BYU in the early 70s, where some of the most dramatic events recounted in his memoir took place.
Always interested in pursuing a career as both an actor and writer, Kerry wrote his first play, BUFFALO HEAD NICKELSat the age of 17, and published it at 18. Since then, he has published several works, among them most prominently THE WILDE SPIRIT, a one-man play with music, in which Ashton starred as Oscar Wilde, and also wrote the play’s book, music and lyrics. The play won Kerry critical acclaim for both his writing and performance, and three 1977 L.A. Civic Star Awards for Best Actor, Play and Direction. The play ran for three consecutive seasons in Provincetown, MA from 1990-1992, and was produced Off-Broadway in 1996, winning Kerry a National Award of Merit from ASCAP. The author now makes his home with his partner Victor Ramirez in South Florida. For more info, visit website.
KOBO / iTUNES / INDIEBOUND
