Summary:
A grumpy-sexy alien and his (mostly) human mate are just trying to get married for goodness sake! But the road to matrimony is riddled with obstacles that could prove deadly...
RIVER
Being engaged to my adorable alien boo is a dream come true. Too bad there’s a target painted on my back. Come on universe, quit messing with true love! For reals. Kai and I need to plan our wedding—which is going to be hella quirky and fun, because I say so.
Cue Shilgar the Deadly, who’s screwing up everything—what with trying to kill me and all. My life is becoming even more unbelievable than my fictional characters, Lord Vardox and Captain Starblade.
There’s no way I’m not walking down the aisle with Kai, so help me! I fully intend to ‘get me to the church’—I mean Vegas wedding chapel—on time. This fool of an assassin thinks he can mess with my dreams of wedded bliss? I don’t think so. He’s about to learn he’s met his match in River Sullivan!
KAI
My relationship with River is solid and wedding bells are in the air. Unfortunately, other parts of my life are…less stable. Between juggling a highly inconvenient Mating Fever that can strike at any time, and dealing with an investigator from Intergalactic Alliance Headquarters, I’m finding it hard to hold onto my usual equilibrium.
When Shilgar the Deadly finally shows up on Earth, gunning for River, the control I cling to is stretched razor thin. I’m desperate to do whatever I can to keep my mate safe—but I’m not sure if I can.
Yet things aren’t all that they seem. New secrets come to light and we’re all left reeling. Apparently, that famous Earthling playwright was correct when he wrote, “the course of true love never did run smooth….”
When a Man Loves an Alien (Tentacular Tales #3) is a (100k words) M/M sci-fi rom com and the third book in the series. It should be read in chronological order. This installment features an assassin who just won’t quit, little old ladies at slot machines who should NOT be messed with, a zipline action-hero moment, shocking secrets and revelations, a death-defying climax, and just maybe…a zany Vegas wedding? This book has an HFN ending and no cheating. Never fear—there is a guaranteed HEA by the end of the series!
An alien invasion and a mysterious Sanctioning Ceremony—what could possibly go wrong?
RIVER
Now that I’m Earth-married to my sexy alien boo, everything should be sunshine and rainbows.
If only.
Instead, the Alliance is preparing for a hostile alien invasion any day now.
Am I stressed about that? Yes.
Am I more stressed about the Iyaran Sanctioning Ceremony that will make my marriage to Kai official on an intergalactic level?
You bet your sweet ass I am!
Kai and I just need to survive all of this so we can go on our super epic honeymoon. I’m not letting anyone or anything mess with that!
KAI
I dream of the day when River and I can finally settle into peaceful wedded bliss.
But nothing in our lives is ever quite that easy.
We need to stop this invasion and find the answers to critical questions. Like what exactly were those medical experiments that were secretly done to me…?
And River and I need to endure the three days of matrimonial hazing—ahem, I mean, traditional rituals of the Iyaran Sanctioning Ceremony.
I should be worried, but I know with River at my side we can face anything the universe throws at us.
All You Need is Alien Love is the fourth book in the Tentacular Tales series and should be read in chronological order. Get ready for: tentacles galore (even some unexpected ones), underwater shenanigans, embarrassing alien rituals, Groxil slime (it makes a useful comeback), Lord Vardox and Captain Starblade (they might just be moving to the next level), surprises (they come in threes), and more Star Trek references than you can shake a phaser at!
Every epic love story deserves a honeymoon—preferably in space, surrounded by tentacles and superfans.
River
The Alliance on Earth is safe, our enemies are defeated, and I am finally getting my honeymoon—in freaking outer space. Even better? Kai’s taking me to Tentacular Tales Con, the biggest intergalactic fan convention for the extraterrestrials who love my web serial. Yes, I’m basically a star and this is my moment to shine!
Between much-needed pampering at our intergalactic resort, swoon-worthy surprises from my hubby-boo, quality bow-chicka-wow-wow time, and meeting my adorably devoted superfans, this trip is one I’m never going to forget. But by golly, I will find a way to top it when I plan our one-year anniversary!
Kai
Planning this honeymoon has been a joy—and an opportunity to pull out all the swoon-worthy stops for my one true love. River is usually the one sweeping me off my feet, or rather, tentacles. This time, I’m determined to surprise him, spoil him, and adore him to the fullest with both my hearts and all my tentacles.
The danger is finally behind us. We have hard-won peace, a bright future, and three very different surprises on the way. This honeymoon isn’t just a celebration—it’s the beginning of the next chapter of our lives together.
A Very Tentacular Honeymoon (Tentacular Tales 4.5) is a cozy, romantic sci-fi romp (35k) set between Book Four’s main story and its epilogue, featuring: bonus POV snippets from Captain Starblade for once, River being unapologetically River, Kai earning his swoon-worthy-romantic badge in spades, Star Trek references up the wazoo, and enough love, laughter, and tentacles to leave you grinning long after the last page.
When a Man Loves an Alien #3
Chapter One
“Starblade is mine. And I will make certain every sentient being in the universe knows it. No one touches him but me! I didn’t become an infamous intergalactic villain without torturing and maiming my fair share of fools who thought to test my patience.”
—Lord Vardox, The Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade, Ch. 137
RIVER
“Step right up and get your Tentacular Tales merch! We’ve got T-shirts in all sizes, made to accommodate folks of various shapes and appendages.” My old neighbor—and incognito alien—Tom Jones holds up one of the aforementioned shirts. “For those die-hard fans of our favorite villain out there, we have our brand spanking—no pun intended—new Team Vardox FTW tees!”
There’s an enthusiastic murmur among the crowd. Tom drapes the shirt over his shoulder like a bar towel and plucks up another. “For the more daring among you, we have I got tentacled by Lord Vardox…and I liked it or Villain in the streets, Tentacled-Lover in the sheets.”
There’s some enthusiastic whistling at that one. He tosses it aside and grabs a different one. “And let’s not forget about our Starblade stans in the crowd.” There are answering whistles and cheers. “Of course we have Team Starblade FTW. We can’t let Team Vardox have all the fun! We also have I’m too sexy for this shirt, and so is Captain Starblade or Tentacle Lover on the DL. Get your favorites before we run out!”
Aliens of all shapes and sizes begin surging forward, cash in hands and other appendages, as they surround the folding table where Tom is selling his wares.
I shake my head in awe, turning to my super-sexy alien boo, and now fiancé, Kai. “Did you know about this?”
He shakes his head. “Nope. Looks like Tom took a cue out of your book and went the route of T-shirt design.”
I glance down at the black cotton tee I’m wearing. On the front, in multicolored sequins, it reads Team ANAL, and on the back it says in shiny metallic gold font, Kicking butt from here to Uranus. My design is a work of art and classy as fuck—it also promotes team spirit, thank you very much. I’ve had quite a few orders from folks at work already. “Just so you know, I’m going to keep wearing this until it grows on you.” I beam. “I’ve got a different colored one for each day of the week!”
Kai rolls his eyes but favors me with a teasing smile. “Save me now.”
I give his arm a light and playful smack. “You know you love it.”
His mouth twitches and he arches an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t go that far, darling. But I’ll put up with it for you.”
I clutch my hands to my heart. “OMG, honeybuns. You’re getting to be sooo romantic! You just called me darling. It’s like we’re an old married couple already.”
Kai flushes adorably pink and sputters. I love getting a rise out of him at moments like this. He can be a bit too tightly wound, so I have to help him let go of his iron grip on duty, responsibility, and propriety.
I’m like Yoda, teaching him the ways of the Fun-Loving Force.
A microphone crackles to life and my new friend Nirblob addresses the crowd from atop the small impromptu stage against the wall at the far end of the bar. “Good evening, friends, and welcome to Vardox’s Cantina. Tonight, it is my supreme pleasure to usher in our very first Open Mic night!”
There’s an enthusiastic round of applause and some loud whistles.
Nirblob grins, which admittedly is a little freaky since he has no lips. I still haven’t quite gotten used to that. “This evening, we are most fortunate to have a very special guest. Here to kick things off with a sneak peek from the next chapter in the Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade, please join me in welcoming the one, the only, River Sullivan, a.k.a. KirklovesSpock4eva!”
The crowd goes wild, which in a super-secret alien bar can be a bit surreal. After all, this bar is mainly for extraterrestrials who don’t pass easily in human society, or ones who do but want the opportunity to be their true selves in a safe space. Some folks here make even Nirblob look somewhat ordinary. It’s a bit like being a real-life version of the Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars—only less violent!
“Looks like you’re up,” Kai murmurs, giving my arm a squeeze.
I grin. “Give me a kiss for luck, boo.”
He sighs at the endearment, but his eyes darken as he leans down and takes my lips in a way that makes me want to ditch this event and go get our freak on.
When Kai pulls back, I’m tingly all over and more than a little hot and bothered. But I’m pleased to notice, as he adjusts himself discreetly, he isn’t exactly unaffected either.
“Knock ‘em dead.”
I give him a jaunty little salute. “Aye, aye, captain!”
He can’t keep the fondness from his eyes when he tries to glare at me, which turns my grin into that of a lovesick fool. And I basically am. I have no qualms about owning it.
I make my way over to the stage, offering variants of high fives along the way—to a tail here, a hand with eight fingers there, a furry paw every now and then. Two months ago, I never could have imagined this would be my life. A longtime Roswell alien conspiracy believer and total X-phile, I—by some remarkable twist of fate—actuallyfound aliens here on Earth, living incognito among humanity.
What are the odds?
Originally, I had planned to expose them, not knowing any better, but now I get to work with them and keep them safe. It also doesn’t hurt that most of them think I’m the GOAT tentacle-porn author. I’m still tickled pink by that fact. I may be a largely unknown writer among the human population of Earth, but I’m a strange mega-celebrity to readers across the universe who’ve taken a real, albeit fanatical, shine to my brand of offbeat storytelling.
I’m in a pretty good place about it now, but it did take me a hot second to overcome the sheer mortification of knowing real-life extraterrestrials read my alien tentacle-porn-space-soap-opera—and seriously dig it. The fans are sometimes kind of intense, but I freaking love it. I mean, I’m a superfan of many sci-fi franchises—shout out to my fellow Doctor Who and Star Trek: The Next Generation nerds—so I can entirely relate to their level of enthusiasm. It’s humbling to know that it’s my work making them bust out the fandom flags with pride. Heck, I recently found out there’s a freaking intergalactic fan convention based on my series. Talk about wild!
I totally am attending it someday.
I’m not much of a believer in the divine—except for Cher—but it almost seems like fate that I ended up meeting Kai, a hot-as-fuck alien who just so happens to have, (drum roll please), tentacles! I get a kick out of thinking that writing my tentacle porn story played some critical part in manifesting him in my life. I smile at that thought, and spying my boo in the crowd, I give him a saucy wink. Whatever brought us together—fate, destiny, or sheer random coincidence—I am one lucky sonofabitch to be engaged to the love of my life, who also happens to be a sexy-hot alien lover with plenty of appendages to keep me more than satisfied. My traitorous cock starts getting naughty ideas and I have to think about gross stuff like Groxil slime to calm myself.
Nirblob turns the microphone over to me and glides back to the bar on his roller skates. As usual, he’s wearing his ostentatious red cloak inspired by my sexy fictional villain, Lord Vardox. He’s more obsessed with my series than I am with Doctor Who—and that’s saying something!
Like most of his clientele, Nirblob doesn’t pass for human in this world. He’s got the same kind of enormous brain-shaped head and skeletal face as the Martians in Tim Burton’s campy classic, Mars Attacks!, including the bugged-out eyes with no lids and teeth without any lips covering them. It isn’t quite as jarring a sight now as it was when I first met him. After all, he’s my friend as well as a Vardox groupie.
Kai’s not so warm toward him and remains highly skeptical about his motives in befriending me, probably because Nirblob kidnapped me and my royal bodyguard, Chewy, a few weeks ago. However, that was entirely on the orders of his dickbag boss. Nirblob ended up pulling a fast one on that fool by refusing to kill us and essentially defecting to the side of the Alliance. Take that, evil!
That’s right, the Light Side of the Force cannot be denied!
Nirblob has really turned things around and I’m so proud of him. I like to think I played a small part in helping him see the error of his ways and leave the path of the Dark Side. He wasn’t even all that evil to begin with, despite calling himself The Evil Lord Nirblob. The change has been good for him and he loves living on Earth now, especially since he took over running the alien bar that used to belong to Kai’s walking douchebag of an ex, Fabian Tradeo, a.k.a. Fuckface Fabio as I like to call him. Thankfully, that thorn in my side has disappeared into outer space with the shady drug-dealing jerk, Layne Madison. He’s the mysterious Osairan mastermind scheming bad things for planet Earth and its people. He’s totally an evil supervillain like Lex Luthor or Emperor Palpatine. I’m hoping they both stay gone permanently but I can’t shake a persistent niggle of worry that our troubles with them aren’t over.
Fortunately, Nirblob has been able to make the bar his own. Tonight, he appears happy as a clam, slinging drinks with panache. In between making conversation with patrons, he gets up on the bar top and treats it like it’s his personal catwalk and he’s auditioning for a role in Coyote Ugly. He’s really in his milieu here. I’m thrilled to see him integrating so well. It’s a bonus that he renamed the bar after the villain in my story.
Looking around me, I feel optimistic. Life is good, and I refuse to fall into a worry spiral about lingering uncertainties.
I readjust the microphone to my height and clear my throat, then start to sweat a little as I look out into the avid faces in the crowd. I haven’t done a public reading like this since I was part of a writer critique group almost three years ago. That audience had been more divided in its reception then, but I feel reasonably confident the folks here tonight will enjoy what I’m going to read—after all, my story is taking an interesting turn in this new chapter.
“We love you, River!” someone shouts.
“Bring on the tentacle porn!” another person chimes in.
I grin. “Hi there, everyone. Thanks for coming out tonight. I’m River Sullivan, also known as KirklovesSpock4eva, author of The Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade.”
The audience gives me a round of raucous applause and I straighten with pride, my usual swagger returning in full force.
“Tonight, I have a small snippet to share that will whet your appetite…among other things.” I can’t help but wink at a shy-looking fan in the front row who flushes bright red. “A mere peek into what you can expect in the next chapter.”
Upturned faces in the crowd regard me enthusiastically and I prepare myself for what I must tell them next.
“Now, right off, I do apologize that my productivity has been a bit less robust than usual lately. As many of you know, I started working for the Alliance and my job is keeping me super busy. So, for the foreseeable future, I’m probably going to be shifting to a bi-weekly chapter release instead of a new chapter every week.”
That news doesn’t go over so well.
I had a feeling it wouldn’t.
The grumbles of irritation and noises of displeasure from the crowd make me cringe inside. I hate disappointing my fans, but I also have to make sure I don’t overextend myself. “I’m sure it will be frustrating for some of you not to get your weekly fix of Starblade and Vardox, but letting the anticipation and temptation build has its own merits, right?” I try to temper my words with a smile.
My fans are still less than enthused.
“I’m not saying I’m edging you and your readerly pleasure but…” I trail off with a smirk.
The audience laughs and smiles begin to return. Phew!
I clear my throat and raise my tablet device. A hush falls over the bar as dozens of eyes and antennae focus on me.
“As you know, Starblade’s ship was attacked in our last installment. Vardox rushed to his rescue but before he could arrive, the space pirates disabled the shields on Starblade’s vessel and boarded it, taking him and his crew hostage. Vardox has now arrived and is attempting to communicate with Starblade.”
The crowd gasps and murmurs circulate through the room. I work to keep my expression serious as I begin to read. After all, this is a majorly intense scene that I know is going to get some powerful responses.
Vardox hailed Starblade’s ship, standing rigidly in front of the viewscreen as he awaited an answer. Behind the confines of his cloak, his tentacles writhed with anxious frustration. Had he arrived in time?
The viewscreen lit up at last and Vardox’s blood ran cold. Kahmos Ahtasham, a Katnu space pirate he’d had the misfortune of dealing with before, stood on the deck of his dear captain’s ship. Like most Katnu, Ahtasham was tall and muscular, built like a warrior. Apart from their scaly green skin and feather-like hair, as well as their clawed feet and hands, the Katnu had relatively humanoid-like physiology much like a third of all bipedal species across the galaxy. At present, Kahmos had a smug smirk on his green face. He held Starblade prisoner in his arms and pressed a wickedly curved Katnu blade to his throat.
Vardox’s sweet captain showed no fear. He was the picture of simmering fury and indignation as he scowled at his captor.
“Ah, so good of you to join us, Lord Loki Vardox. It’s been too long.” His tone was all cruel condescension.
The picture of unconcern, Vardox sat down in his command chair and leaned back in his seat. “Kahmos Ahtasham, to what do I owe this great honor? If you’d wanted to get my attention, you needn’t have bothered some poor human captain and his crew.”
Kahmos narrowed his one black eye at Vardox and removed the blade from Starblade’s throat to point it at the leather eye patch covering his empty right eye socket. “I’m here to settle the score with you, Vardox.”
“Ah, yes,” Vardox drawled, crossing one leg. “The last time we met, I do believe I relieved you of that eye. But then, you did try to swindle me on our trade agreement. I’d say I let you off rather lightly.”
Kahmos hissed, revealing a mouthful of sharp, pointed teeth. “I will have my revenge, Vardox!”
Rolling his eyes, Vardox yawned.
Kahmos tightened his grip on Starblade, who stiffened almost imperceptibly.
Behind his cloak, Vardox’s tentacles roiled with rage.
Kahmos’s face darkened with fury. “You dare yawn at me?”
“I’m afraid that’s entirely your fault. You’re being positively boring.” Vardox shook his head. “You see, I get a lot of these kinds of calls from people. They all say the same thing. ‘You have wronged me, Vardox! I will have my revenge!’” Vardox sighed. “It’s all so tediously dull and predictable.”
Kahmos growled, “You think you’re so clever. I know what you’re trying to do, but I won’t be manipulated by you again. I have reliable reports indicating you have a special fondness for this disgusting little human I’ve captured.” Starblade stiffened in his captor’s grasp, and Vardox had to fight to keep his mask of cool composure in place.
Vardox flicked some imaginary lint off his cloak and regarded Kahmos coolly. “Kahmos, I suggest you find better people to hire for your dirty work. I don’t know what cheap informant told you this man was important to me, but I’m afraid they were pulling one over on you. I hope they didn’t cost too much.” He tsk-tsked in regret. “Such a shame. But then, you do have a rather unfortunate tendency to listen to the wrong people.”
Kahmos narrowed his one eye and hissed, his grip on the knife tightening and causing the blade to nick the skin at Starblade’s throat. Vardox watched as a drop of blood trailed its way down Starblade’s neck to his exposed chest. It looked as though his sweet captain had been attacked while asleep and hadn’t had time to fully dress. The sight filled Vardox with a cold, calculating rage. He would make Kahmos regret bringing Starblade into their feud. Vardox would show no mercy to the fool who dared lay a hand on his precious captain. Kahmos would feel the full depths of his wrath.
“Perhaps I will enjoy this tasty little morsel then. If he is of no concern to you, I might as well have my fun with him before I kill him and strip his ship of every valuable item it contains.” Kahmos trailed the knife down Starblade’s defined pectorals and leered.
“You foul-smelling, swine-fucking piece of space garbage!” Starblade roared, punctuating his proclamation by spitting on Kahmos’s hand.
Vardox growled, oscillating between pride and killing-lust. On the one hand, his dear captain was so fierce and brave in the face of the enemy. It pleased Vardox greatly. On the other hand, Kahmos was a pathetic excuse for a Katnu space pirate who didn’t deserve to touch his sweet Starblade. He’d lose a lot more than an eye when Vardox got ahold of him. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but fill with pride as he witnessed the vibrant and defiant spirit of his beloved captain.
“Oh ho!” Kahmos chortled. “It seems you do care for this creature after all.”
Vardox rose to his feet, simmering with barely contained bloodlust. “Enough with these games. You have my attention, although you will soon wish you did not.” This cretin underestimated Vardox at his own peril. Invoking the sacred words, Vardox made his proclamation: “Kahmos Ahtasham, under the binding laws of the Katnu people, to which you are beholden, I formally challenge you to a ceremonial Blood Duel to the death!”
Starblade gasped but Kahmos crowed with delight. “Challenge accepted! Name your terms, Vardox. As the initiator of the duel, you must declare the time and place.”
Vardox crossed his arms. “First, you will release Captain Starblade and his crew. Then you will meet me in one lunar phase on Gamma Stella V, where we will have an official observer monitor and record our Blood Duel in the hallowed Hall of High Wolfham.”
Kahmos scoffed and shook his head. “I think not. I will meet you on Gamma Stella V at the time you specified, but my crew will keep Starblade and his people hostage until the duel is completed. If you win, they will be set free.” He narrowed his one good eye. “If you lose, I shall keep them and use them however I desire.”
Vardox could not restrain several of his tentacles as they burst forth with vicious intent, angrily demanding Kahmos’s blood. They were ready and eager to strangle the life force out of him until he gasped his last breath. “Starblade and his crew are not a part of this. Our feud is between you and me. Release them and fight like a true Katnu warrior.”
Kahmos scowled. “You may have been the one to request the Blood Duel, Lord Vardox, but as the Challenged I may name the stakes. My hostages are viable collateral under Katnu law, which considers it perfectly acceptable for me to hold them until the duel’s completion—and you know it.”
Vardox cursed internally. It seemed luck was not on his side. However, he did know another part of Katnu law he could call on at this moment to help his fair captain. “I acknowledge your claim, Kahmos. However, your laws also stipulate that hostages used as collateral in a Blood Duel must remain unmolested and unharmed until the duel is complete. Do you honor this stricture as dictated by Katnu law?”
Kahmos’s mouth twisted with frustrated anger. “It seems you know our laws far too well, Vardox.” He grunted with displeasure. “I agree to abide by that stipulation as required under Katnu law.” He didn’t sound happy about it. That pleased Vardox.
“Excellent. I have recorded the terms of our arrangement during this conversation and will transmit the file to the officials on Gamma Stella V. You will be required to present the hostages to them before the duel commences, and they will verify the captain and his crew have remained untouched. If you violate this requirement, you automatically forfeit the duel, and I may mete out whatever punishment I so desire upon you and your crew.”
Kahmos hissed, flashing his sharp teeth as his lip curled. “The terms have been set. I will join you on Gamma Stella V in one lunar cycle with my hostages in tow. Prepare to meet your death, Vardox. I look forward to making you suffer.” He released Starblade and handed him off to one of his goons with a rough shove. “Your precious captain and his crew will remain safe—for now. Watching you take your last breath, all while knowing I will inflict every ounce of my loathing for you on your precious captain long after I have disposed of you, will bring me great delight.”
In a rare show of feeling, Vardox allowed his eyes to turn a deep crimson color, showing Kahmos the personage of a Masnok warrior ready to defend his mate to the death. “And I look forward to removing other parts of your body, slowly and painfully, until you’re begging me to put you out of your misery.” He turned his red-eyed gaze to Starblade. “Don’t fret, my darling. I will save you.”
Taking a deep breath, I stop and look up from my tablet to find a sea of eager faces staring at me in open-mouthed shock.
Way to wow them with a new villain, River! I try, not very hard, to hold back a smirk.
“And that’s it for my open mic reading tonight, everyone. Just a little taste of what lies ahead. I hope you enjoyed it.”
The crowd immediately goes wild.
“Oh my freaking god!” Roxy screams, rushing up to me as I step down from the stage. “Vardox has to save his man, right? Right? This Kahmos guy is a total douche. And a Blood Duel? How romantic! I can’t wait. Eeeeek!” She does a happy dance in place before hugging me to her rather ample bosom.
Nirblob glides over, eyes even wider than normal if that’s even possible. “What a stunning new development! I told you, Lord Vardox is the greatest. So noble. So brave. He will protect the man he loves at any cost.” He shakes his head as if marveling at the thought. “I can’t wait to see what happens next. Surely now, Starblade will realize Vardox loves him?”
Other fans begin crowding around and asking myriad questions. I hold up my hands. “I’m sorry. I can’t divulge any more. You’re just going to have to tune in for when each new chapter comes out.”
There are some pouting and sad faces as I make my way back through the crowd and over to the booth where Kai’s sitting. I watch with amusement as a huge line of people wanting to buy T-shirts and other merch begins to form at Tom Jones’s table.
“Hey, Tom! I better be getting a percentage of those sales. It’s my story you’re making money on,” I shout over to him.
Tom grins. “Sure thing, River! I was planning to donate most of the money to Project ORAL.”
Kai groans.
I give Tom two thumbs up. “Good idea. I’m totally in favor of supporting Operation Rehoming Aliens Lovingly this way!” After all, I came up with the whole operation.
I scooch into the booth right next to Kai before wrapping my arm around his waist in a side-hug. Then I drop my head onto his shoulder with a sigh.
He reaches up and strokes his finger through my hair. For some reason, he loves my crazy mess of curls. Yet another sign we’re meant to be.
“You were amazing,” he murmurs. “You had the whole audience on the edge of their seats.”
I snuggle in closer. “Thanks. They took the news about my releases slowing down better than I expected.”
He presses a tender kiss to the top of my head. “They’ll adapt. I told you they would. They love your story too much to abandon ship at this point.”
The crowd parts and I watch as CJ and Zion head our way, joining us on the opposite side of the booth. As far as appearances go, these two couldn’t look any different. CJ is a tiny four-foot-tall gray alien with a little Marvin the Martian mixed in. He has a high-pitched chipmunk-like voice and he’s also starting a sideline as a children’s entertainer billed as The Alien Elvis. In contrast, Zion is well over six-feet tall and all rippling muscles from his training as a Vroknu warrior on his home world. Oh, and he’s also bright blue and pretty much an Ice Planet Barbarian come to life. In looks, at least. When it comes to personality, he’s a quiet, gentle, nonviolent guy who I’ve come to realize is also a teensy bit shy.
Heaven help him. My BFF Evan is going to eat him alive one day.
I smile at them both. “Hey guys, how’s it going? Glad you could make it tonight.”
CJ clasps his tiny three-fingered hands to his chest. “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. This new development is most stimulating. Things have been too easy for Lord Vardox lately. I’m glad he’s found some real competition in a new villainous rival.” He wriggles happily in his seat. “And the fact that he will have to duel him to the death for Starblade’s hand! It’s almost too much for me to handle—the excitement, I mean.”
I grin. “Thanks. I have some intense chapters ahead as Vardox must fight for his man.”
Poor, sweet Zion frowns. “I’m not sure I like this idea of a duel to the death. It sounds unnecessary and far too violent.” The soft-spoken words seem at odds with his enormous muscular appearance. Born into a race of warrior beings known as the Vroknu, Zion is an outcast among his people in part for refusing to follow the warrior way.
I reach over and pat one large blue hand. “Don’t worry, Zion, I’ll keep the gore to a minimum. I generally avoid gratuitous violence in my stories. I promise you’ll enjoy what I have in store.”
He gives me a doubtful look, but nods. “I will trust you on this, my friend.”
Nirblob comes sailing our way on his ever-present roller skates, his Vardox-inspired cloak billowing behind him and his arms full of brightly wrapped packages. He deposits them on the table with a flourish and sketches an exaggerated bow. “These presents are for you.”
My mouth drops open as I stare at the pile in confusion. “What do you mean? It’s not my birthday.”
Kai groans and I turn my attention to him. The look on his face makes me instantly suspicious.
I frown. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Uh oh,” CJ squeaks.
Wide-eyed, Zion looks between the three of us.
I reach over and poke Kai in the rib, right in his ticklish spot. He immediately squirms in the booth and tries to lean his body away from me and my probing finger. “Uh…,” he says, his eyes studiously avoiding me.
I turn back to Nirblob. “What are these presents all about?”
Nirblob shrugs. “Adulation from your fans, of course.”
“My… fans?” I ask, trailing off in wonder.
If Nirblob had eyelids, I feel certain he’d be blinking them at me right now in obvious confusion. “Of course. These are just from those who came tonight and realized they could give you gifts directly in person. I required folks to check them with me at the door when they arrived, and I told them I’d deliver them to you after the reading. But many of our people have been sending their offerings through the Intergalactic Post to Alliance headquarters for weeks now.”
Kai is making a not so subtle shut-the-fuck-up motion to Nirblob, who’s blithely ignoring him. “Of course, there’s the fan letters and emails too. Haven’t you been keeping up with those?”
I slowly turn my head to stare at my fiancé. “What the actual fuck is going on? Have I been getting fan mail? And if so, why haven’t you told me about it?” I demand, my voice rising higher with each syllable.
Kai squirms and finally releases a sigh of defeat. “Ever since you joined the Alliance, we’ve been receiving, on your behalf, fan mail, parcels, letters, and email correspondence from extraterrestrials across the whole bloody universe.”
I frown, a twisty, unhappy feeling in my gut. “Why didn’t you tell me? You know I’d freaking love to read fan mail.”
Kai shoots me a pleading look. “I was going to tell you, I promise. The thing is, some of the items that are being sent, especially through the Intergalactic Post, are a little…questionable.”
I tilt my head, considering. “Questionable how?”
He cringes. “As in dubious sexual aid devices and skimpy lingerie, for a start.”
“Holy shitballs! You know you’ve hit the big time when people start sending you alien dildos.” I gasp. “OMG! Please tell me there are alien dildos.”
Kai gives me a stern look. “Such contraband paraphernalia is officially confiscated by the Alliance. It’s not something you could have kept anyway.”
Ah, nuts.I cross my arms and pout. “You’re no fun. We totally could have had a good time with an alien dildo.”
“My penis and tentacles are more than enough to keep you satisfied, mate.” He says the words with a sexy little growl that makes me shiver.
I pat him on the arm. “Of course, honeybuns. But what about the fan letters? I totally want to read them and share the love with the people who enjoy my story.”
Kai groans and leans his head back against the booth wall. “How did I know you were going to say that?”
I flutter my eyelashes at him. “Because you know me so well.” I then add in a sappy voice, “Because it’s twoo wuv, and I’m your soulmate and you’re my boo.”
He arches an eyebrow. “I don’t know about that.”
I pinch his arm. “Watch yourself, buddy.”
He snickers but then sighs. “To be honest, I was trying to protect you. We don’t know who a lot of these senders are. Sure, we have email addresses from some of them, but many don’t write their return addresses for packages. Origins can be hard to trace depending on the email provider or intergalactic post office being used. Your safety is my utmost concern. Who’s to say some of these people might not be working for your mother’s family and trying to secretly get information that they could use against you? Hell, one of them could even be the assassin posing as a fan and trying to lure you in with promises of friendship and praise for your work! I’m trying to keep you safe.” Then he mutters, “And steer you clear of all of the fucking perverts.”
I lean over and pet his arm as if it were one of his tentacles. “Aww, you’re trying to protect my virtue from gross creepers. How chivalrous and romantic.” I put my free hand to my cheek. “I never knew you had it in you!”
He gives me a withering glare. “As your partner and future husband, I will always do whatever I can to keep you safe. If that means screening your sketchy fan mail, then that means screening your sketchy fan mail.”
He’s being so stern and possessive. I fucking love it.
I beam at him. “Does that mean I get to read the stuff you have screened as appropriate for my delicate sensibilities?”
He regards me with those beautiful amethyst eyes that never cease to amaze me. I could get lost in them forever. Kai’s expression softens into something that’s starting to become familiar. It’s the look that tells me I’m about to get my way. “From now on, I will pass on the messages I deem appropriate and safe for your viewing.”
Ah, sweet, naive Kai. Now that I know these letters exist, I will be getting my grubby hands on them as soon as possible.
I leer. “Then maybe you could read me the super-filthy ones when we’re alone in bed together? That would be kind of fun.”
His eyes darken with passion. “Perhaps.”
I shiver. When he gets all sexy as fuck like this, I can barely contain myself. And lately I feel like his sexitude powers have been dialed up to eleven.
It’s this whole Tentaculum Calefaction thing, a hormonally driven mating instinct among his people. When I got kidnapped a few weeks ago, the stress and fear from that whole event seemingly triggered an episode in Kai.
It usually happens to women who are ready to produce offspring, so it’s a bit of a medical mystery as to why it’s happening to Kai. Sure, it used to happen, and in fact, some men from his home world were once able to carry babies. I don’t really understand all the biological details behind it, but the internal composition of his abdominal cavity is quite a bit different from humans—as I discovered with his prostate…but I digress.
In any case, our med techs at the Alliance are absolutely amazed, but also stumped as to why Kai is what appears to be the first recorded case among a male of his species in well over two hundred years.
Heh.I like to think I had a part in triggering this super-horny pon farr fuckfest we’ve been enjoying for the last few weeks. Maybe my alien superpower is being too irresistible and awesome to not make my boyfriend ultra horny? Whatever the case, we’re basically getting busy like we’re teenagers with raging libidos and nonstop hard-ons. Truth, it’s more sex than I ever had as a teenager. I’m getting laid on the regular—sometimes multiple times a day—and all my teenage fantasies have come to life! Every damn one of them. Well, except for that one in the TARDIS…
Granted, Tentaculum Calefaction isn’t something to treat cavalierly. The idea of making a baby with Kai is weirdly kinda awesome but mostly plain terrifying. After all, I’m only twenty-two. Even the hypothetical prospect of having kids and becoming a father right now seems ludicrous. I’m not opposed to children per se. I’m just not sure if I want any. And being a gay man in 21st century Vegas, I honestly can say it never crossed my mind all that much. Well, until this happened.
Thankfully, it’s probably a moot point. I don’t have the biological genetics of his people; thus, I’ve been told, it’s virtually impossible for me to knock my man up. No Iyaran has ever conceived a child with someone from another species. Although now that I think about it, it does give me some fun ideas where Captain Starblade and Lord Vardox are concerned…
But again, I digress.
According to Kai, it’s quite difficult to have successful cross-species interbreeding among extraterrestrials in general. Being part-human and part-Quintharian, I’m a bit of an anomaly myself, biologically speaking. But regardless, poor Kai’s body has put him in a pon farr state of perpetual horniness for the time being.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally down for it. His mega-horny sex drive is matching mine like you wouldn’t believe. And the sex? OMG, chef’s kiss! It has been out-of-this-fucking-world.
CJ pulls me out of my reverie. “Perhaps you should open some of your gifts?”
I turn to Kai with hopeful eyes, but he shakes his head. “I’m sorry, River, but they’ll need to go through the Alliance scanners to ensure they’re safe.”
I still. “What do you mean?”
He wraps his arm around me. “While the gifts so far have mostly been harmless in nature, we must take precautions. Something dangerous could be sent to you disguised as an innocuous package.”
I inhale sharply. “Like a bomb or something?”
We all stare at the pile with rising alarm.
Kai squeezes me tightly and strokes my hair. He loves my wild curls, and I’ve come to crave the soothing feeling of his fingers running through my hair and massaging my scalp. “No, probably not a bomb, but we need to inspect anything addressed to you. We’re just taking every necessary precaution to keep you and everyone else safe,” Kai assures me.
Nirblob nods. “I see. You make a very compelling point, Captain Genaro, one I had not thought of myself. Our dear River is in some considerable danger these days. Therefore, we must do everything in our power to protect him, lest we lose the joy of future chapters of The Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade. We cannot allow such genius to be snuffed out! And certainly not until his legacy is complete.”
I shoot him a bitchy-as-hell look. “Uh, was that a less than subtle way of saying you want to keep me alive just so I can continue writing my alien porn story?”
Nirblob shrugs.
CJ nods his head sorrowfully. “‘Tis true, the story will always come first. But we do love you too.”
I groan.
Nirblob signals to some of his helpers and they quickly clear the gifts away from the table. “I will have these sent to Alliance headquarters immediately.”
Kai nods graciously. “Thank you.”
I lean back in the booth and cross my arms, a pout firmly in place on my lips. “Well damn. There goes my fun for the evening.”
Kai quickly tries to change the direction of the conversation. “How are you getting along with the guidebook my mother gave you?”
He knows me too well, that sneaky bastard! I brighten and reach into my front jacket pocket to pull out A Guide to your Iyaran Mate: From Courtship to Tentacles. The book is about the size of my hand and quite thick. If I hollowed it out, like in a movie, I could hide a flask in there! “It’s fascinating. I’m learning a lot about your people and culture. For instance—”
A strange commotion draws my focus away from my friends, and I look up in time to see an alien the size of two linebackers barreling straight toward our booth, his three eyes focused right on me.
All You Need is Alien Love #4
CHAPTER ONE
Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice
Issue 1
Welcome to the inaugural issue of Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice—the Alliance’s new advice column for all of the recently or soon-to-be Earth-relocated, and those just simply coming for a visit!
I’m River Sullivan, aka KirklovesSpock4eva, the author of The Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade and newly minted member of the Alliance on Earth—but here I’m your advice guru for all things Earthling related. Just call me Dr. TEA! I’m ready to answer all of your questions about humans, their customs and beliefs, and life on Earth in general.
Today, we’re covering an important communication topic: confusing euphemisms and double entendre. You know, where someone says one thing, but what they really mean is S-E-X.
And now, to our very first exciting query!
Dear Dr. TEA,
I’m new to Earth and finding it hard to acclimate to some of the customs here. A human coworker invited me to “Netflix and chill.” I thought this meant watching something entertaining on the Earthling Netflix channel together in a relaxing and “chill” environment. Side note: “chill” is a very intriguing word with so many different meanings I was unaware of. Case in point—imagine my surprise when I quite shockingly learned that the Netflix and chill expression is a euphemism for sexual congress! Needless to say, I was baffled when my colleague put the moves on me. I politely declined and hightailed it out of there like I had a Temerengi squadron on my tail. I’m not ready to try romance, let alone sex with Earthlings just yet. I mean, where does everything go, and how?!!
Now I’m nervous about facing my coworker again because it’s going to be very awkward. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Nopeing out of Netflix and Chill
Dear Nopeing out of Netflix and Chill,
Let me start off by saying I’m super proud of you for handling a situation like this so well! I can imagine how surprising that would be, and I certainly hope your coworker was cool when you said no. Consent is always essential when it comes to sex, but I’m sensing this was more of a cultural misunderstanding gone awry. No doubt your colleague thought you understood what they meant. If they weren’t aggressive or coercive about things, then my suggestion would be to have an honest conversation and tell them you didn’t understand what the term meant. You have several options here to make this believable.
You could claim that you’re from a foreign country. The downside to this is that they may want more details about that, which could prove tricky. Or, you could claim to have been raised in a sheltered environment of some kind. Now, this is where you need to decide whether you want to maintain a friendship with this person or have them stay away from you. If the former, you can say you only recently moved to Las Vegas after living your whole life in a very small rural community with spotty internet access. If the latter, tell them you grew up in a cult but you can’t share details without the Dark Order coming after you. That should send them packing!
Okay… now I’m second-guessing myself. There are some major weirdos out there for real who might really be into the whole “raised in a cult” thing. Hell, they might be starting their own cult! You don’t want to mess with any of that. Less is more and often best, so whatever way you go—keep it simple and easy to remember in case you have to tell it to multiple people!
Rainbows and good vibes,
Dr. TEA
River
“Come on, baby. Open wide for me,” I purr.
Kai flushes and tries to scowl but fails. “Not here.”
My sweet hubby-boo may try to resist, but I have him right where I want him. After all, I’m privy to all his deepest, darkest secrets.
“Of course you can. I know you want a mouthful of all this cream I have ready for you. You’re going to swallow it all down and beg me for more.”
Kai’s eyes turn molten amethyst and he licks his lips, unable to resist the temptation I’m offering him. I can see him starting to cave.
I leer. “That’s right. You can take it alllll for me, can’t you?”
Lips glistening and cheeks flushing, Kai slowly opens his mouth for me.
Heh. Score one for Sexy River.
I lovingly shove the entire chocolate-covered, cream-filled mini éclair I’m holding into my man’s mouth.
Kai bites down and lets out a filthy moan, his eyes fluttering shut with pleasure.
Do I know my boo, or do I know my boo?
“This birthday bash is turning out to be much kinkier than I expected,” Iris Genaro, Kai’s grandma, cackles around a large mouthful of chocolate lava cake. “I like it!”
My hubby-boo and his father inherited their sweet-tooth tendencies from this wild and wily woman, that’s for sure.
We’re celebrating Kai’s thirty-sixth birthday at a brand-new, all-you-can-eat dessert buffet, appropriately called Sinfully Sweet, that just opened downtown on The Strip.
Nothin’ spells lovin’ like feeding my man all the sugary and chocolatey goodness he could ever imagine.
I swear, the moment we entered this establishment and I took his blindfold off—cuz I’m all about the grand reveal—he started skipping from one buffet table to the next like Homer Simpson in the “Land of Chocolate” episode.
Only much sexier, of course.
Who’s a better partner than me? Nobody, that’s for fuckin’ sure!
Naturally, I’ve been helping him out by piling desserts onto little plates, lining them up in front of us, and then feeding him by hand.
Because I can.
And because he fucking loves it, no matter what feeble protests he might offer to the contrary.
I know how much of an aphrodisiac dessert can be for Kai. But we’re behaving for now—we are in public, after all. We’ll satisfy our other needs when we go home, and I have plans for my man once we get there. Ah, that’s what true love is all about—being comfortable enough to be weirdly kinky with your partner in ways you never would have imagined.
The supreme diva Cher would probably agree with me.
I select a chocolate-covered strawberry and hold it up to Kai’s eager lips. The simmering lust in those stunning eyes of his assures me that all my orgasmic wishes will be fulfilled when we get home.
Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
When I glance down the table, I’m not surprised to catch Ellie feeding Maddox big forkfuls of a slice of turtle cheesecake covered in gooey caramel, chocolate, and nuts. He looks just as blissed out as his son.
Ellie and I know how to keep our men satisfied.
I give her a covert thumbs-up and she returns it with a wink.
“I have a feeling I know who’s going to keep this new buffet in business,” Roxy says from where she’s seated across from us and basically planted right in Lu-Ren’s lap.
My former backup-bodyguard-turned-new- Team-ANAL-member wraps a possessive tan arm around Roxy. “The only dessert I’m interested in is you, sexy lady, when we head back to my place.”
Roxy practically dissolves into a puddle of glittery-eyed goo in Lu-Ren’s arms.
They haven’t been together long, but I have a good feeling about them. I’ve never seen Roxy this happy, and I think Lu-Ren’s pretty perfect for her. The multi-gendered alien—the universe is so freaking cool—treats Roxy like the queen she is and appreciates her for the fabulous, capable, and super talented woman she is. Seeing them together and all lovey-dovey fills me with all the warm fuzzies.
On my other side, Mal makes a pained noise and runs his hand over his face. “Your place? Don’t you mean my place? Gah! You two better not be getting your bodily fluids all over my precious, and might I add, expensive furniture.”
Roxy gives him a wicked grin. “Too late.”
I snort and send her an air high five.
Lu-Ren’s been staying at Mal’s house ever since they arrived to help keep me safe from my former—and now very dead—would-be assassin, Shilgar the Deadly.
Things were tense and I came a little too close to death that time for comfort. I owe my life to my badass mom, who basically came back from the grave, so to speak, and lopped off old Shilgar’s head.
Anyway, while Lu-Ren’s crashing at Mal’s house, Kai’s brother’s been living with my Uncle Benji and helping him out.
It gives me peace of mind because Benji kind of needs a keeper, and I already hung up my hat in that role after I flew the coop and created my own love nest with Kai. It also doesn’t hurt that Mal looks at Benji the way Kai drool-stares at a box of donuts.
Benji, who’s sitting on Mal’s other side, reaches out and pats Mal on the hand, making Kai’s brother do a good imitation of Roxy’s earlier goo-puddle transformation. “It’s gonna be okay, man. Bodily fluids are natural, after all. Besides, you can always have somebody steam-clean your furniture if you need to.”
Mal whimpers. “But my designer furniture…”
Benji side-hugs him and the look on Mal’s face turns blissful.
It’s kind of adorable, but I do feel for the guy.
After all, Benji is still mostly ignoring Mal’s interest in him or pretending to. However, I know for a fact Benji isn’t totally oblivious anymore. I’d say he’s shifted toward willful denial, but I don’t think that’s working as well as he thought it would. I’ve noticed subtle signs that Benji’s letting his walls down and getting closer to Mal on an emotional level. There’s definitely hope for the clear spark between them to blossom into something beautiful.
That is, if Mal can just be patient and go at Benji’s pace.
A few seats down, Iris cackles with laughter as she starts chowing down on a piece of chocolate cream pie, the lava cake now long gone.
I’m still having a hard time thinking of her as Kai’s grandma though. I mean, I know she’s elderly in terms of human years, but she looks barely older than Ellie since Iyarans live so much longer. She has some gray streaks in her dark hair, but her face shows hardly any lines. Needless to say, Iyarans age really fucking well.
I’m stoked that Kai’s going to stay smoking hot for ages. I mean, I’m certain he’s gonna be a silver fox with tentacles one day and I’m here for it—hell yeah. But knowing we can have more time together than most, given how much longer Iyarans and Quintharians live, fills me with all the happy feels. My only concern is how aging will actually work for me. Being half-Quintharian and half-human, I don’t know how much of my mother’s alien genetics will be dominant. We think I’ll have a lifespan nearly as long as Kai’s, but we don’t know for sure. All I know is that I don’t want to end up in a tragic Heather and Connor MacLeod situation like in Highlander, where I age and Kai stays eternally young and has to go on without me when I end up dying long before him.
That would just be cosmically unfair and I won’t allow it!
I turn to study my mom at the far end of the table, where she’s seated with my dad and smiling brightly.
Every time I see her, it still feels kind of unreal—but I’m also weirdly conflicted. For half my life, I believed she and my father had died in a car accident when I was ten. Now they’re both back after being on the run from intergalactic assassins for over a decade, and I don’t entirely know where I stand on all that.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m overjoyed that they’re alive and well and that I get to have them back in my life again. But at the same time, I have a lot of complicated emotions over the whole thing—anger, sorrow, and maybe a bit of lingering teenage emo-esque angst—that haven’t fully resolved themselves yet.
Benji and I are definitely in the same boat on that one, although I think I’m a lot closer to the shore of forgiveness than he is. After all, the poor guy raised me when we thought my parents were dead. We struggled to find our footing and survive their loss. It upturned both of our lives and left us with a lot of emotional baggage. We got through it all and things turned out well for the most part, but we had some difficult and challenging times over the years when we only had one another to rely on. And, of course, the grief over him losing his brother and me losing my parents never fully disappeared.
I’ve had some good heart-to-hearts with them, and I can honestly say the hurt is slowly starting to fade. For the most part anyway. Benji’s another story though. I can tell he’s holding on to a lot of anger and resentment. Someday, he’s going to have to air out some of his grievances with my parents and find a way to move past the lingering pain and sense of betrayal their fake deaths caused him and his parents. Purging all that negativity is necessary so that it doesn’t fester and eat away at him.
However, tonight is not that time. I’m one hundred percent focused on filling my boo full of dessert and making him blissfully happy on his birthday.
And in making sure he’s in the mood to reward my efforts with a good, hard fucking when we get home.
After all we’ve been through lately, from thwarting an intergalactic assassin to preparing for the Iyaran Sanctioning Ceremony, we deserve this.
I dip a donut hole on a stick in the chocolate fondue I ordered and bring it to Kai’s mouth. He grips my hand and studies me with hooded eyes as he lasciviously goes down on the donut hole, never letting his gaze leave mine.
Slowly, he sucks it into his mouth and begins to chew, licking his lips and moaning as he does so.
“Fuck yeah,” I whisper. “Swallow it whole, baby.”
I never thought watching a man eat dessert could make me so hot. But Kai revs my engine with just about everything he does.
Further indisputable proof that we are meant to be, baby!
“So, River,” Iris pipes up, interrupting the decidedly NC-17 direction my mind was going, “how is your preparation for the Sanctioning Ceremony going?”
My stomach does a good impression of the falling elevator scene in Speed, and I gulp. “Uh, it’s going well…” I trail off, and Kai reaches over to wrap an arm around me, squeezing me reassuringly.
He leans down and whispers in my ear, “We’ve got this. Trust me. Everything will be fine.”
That’s easy for him to say. Now that I’ve learned more about the three-day ordeal I have to go through for this Sanctioning Ceremony, I can’t help but think it’s some kind of bizarre test from the universe—or a weird version of alien hazing—to determine whether Kai and I have what it takes to stick together or not.
He’s promised me one can’t really fail the Sanctioning Ceremony per se, but Iris has definitely been putting the pressure on me to pass with flying colors. She has high hopes for me and her grandson. I only hope I can live up to them.
Since I’m not an Iyaran, I’ve had to solicit some outside assistance from various friends to prepare for the alien matrimonial trials I’ll be undergoing very freaking soon. I refuse to let Kai do all the work for this. After all, I fully believe in being an equal partner to him, and I intend to hold up my end of the bargain when it comes to our union.
No matter how weird things are undoubtedly going to get.
Thankfully, both Evan and Nirblob have come through in critical ways for me. With their help, I’m now feeling more confident I can make it through the ceremony and shine like a motherfucking superstar!
I totally want to wow everyone with how perfect I am for Kai, show them that he made the right decision in choosing me as his mate. Look, I’ve already had to deal with Fuckface Fabio, who thought they could snatch Kai from me. Anyone else who wants to mess with me better think twice before trying to get between us, or worse yet, put their skanky tentacles on my man. Not on my fucking watch!
Iris narrows her shrewd eyes at me. “The Sanctioning Ceremony is a sacred, ancient tradition among our people. I hope you will do the Genaro family proud.”
Despite her words, Iris has actually been a huge help to me too. She spent several sessions with me going over the details of the three-day ceremony and explaining what is expected from Kai and me during the events.
Let’s be real. I know I’ve never exactly won any popularity contests among humans, but I have a good feeling that I can win over the alien crowd that will be in attendance at this event—and I plan to pull out all the epic stops.
I grin at Iris. “Yes, sensei. I’ve taken all your education to heart, I promise.”
Kai immediately jumps in to further defend me, even though he doesn’t need to. Knowing her, I suspect Iris is just trying to get a rise out of both of us. She’s a bit cheeky like that.
“River will always make me proud and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I don’t need a ceremony to validate what we have together.”
My chest gets all warm and tight as I gaze deep into Kai’s earnest eyes. Fucking hell, I love this man so goddamn much!
“Lighten up, Iris,” Ellie says, sprawled half across Maddox’s lap and rubbing up against him like a contented cat. “River’s the most amazing grandson-in-law you’ll ever have. Don’t doubt him and his total fucking epicness.”
I’m getting teary-eyed now, for reals.
I seriously lucked out in the in-laws department.
Sitting up straighter in my chair, I look directly into Iris’s slightly intimidating eyes and grin. “Don’t worry, Grams. I’ve got this.”
Her nostrils flare and her lips twitch in a faint grimace. “Grams…?”
I flash her my biggest, brightest smile. “As Ellie noted, you’re going to be my grandma-in-law soon. I figured I should give you a loving nickname, especially since you’ll be my only living grandparent. Well, the only one I have contact with anyway.”
My Quintharian grandparents can get fucked. After all, they tried to have me and my parents killed. To say they suck would be an understatement.
I bat my eyelashes at Iris. “Don’t you think that’s an awfully sweet gesture from your future grandson-in-law?”
She stares me down for a long moment and then throws her head back and laughs. “I like your moxie, River Sullivan. I haven’t known you for long, but I’m beginning to see why my grandson chose you for his mate.”
I glance at Kai, who flushes with obvious pride and puffs out his chest. “River is simply the best.” He speaks those words with so much conviction, and a hint of Tina Turner-inspired sass, that my heart starts to gush with feelings even more sticky-sweet than the caramel coating on a bite of cheesecake I feed him lovingly.
While he munches contentedly, I lean my head on his shoulder and sigh contentedly. “I love you too, hubby-boo.”
Iris crosses her arms and gives me a mock glare. “That said, while I appreciate the offer, a lady doesn’t care to be reminded of her age, and your nickname violates that sacred boundary.” Her eyes narrow. “You’ll call me Iris or get your ass whooped, you cheeky brat.”
I snort and lean down the table to pinky swear. “Okay, deal. But in exchange, you must tell me more about Kai when he was little. I want to know everything.” I waggle my eyebrows. “And I’d especially love to see any and all adorable photographic evidence.”
Iris returns my pinky-shake with enthusiasm. “You strike a hard bargain. Done!”
We grin at each other in perfect accord.
Kai makes a strangled noise and buries his face in his hands. “Save me now.”
Iris ignores him. “You’ll have to come over to Maddox and Ellie’s house sometime soon and I can show you all my holographic photo albums. I just so happened to bring them with me.” She winks at me conspiratorially. “There are some pictures of Kai’s first swim time that are my personal favorites. He was too cute with his little tentacles splashing about.”
Kai moans, and it isn’t the happy kind from earlier.
I rub my hands together gleefully. “Heck, yeah. I will definitely take you up on that.”
Mal sniggers as he sips his coffee. “Good luck with that, big brother.”
Kai narrows his eyes at him. “Your time will come. I’ll be more than happy to share childhood photos of you with your mate someday.”
Mal darts an automatic glance at Benji, who’s enjoying a donut and getting powdered sugar in his beard.
When he realizes Mal’s gawking at him, Benji blinks and gives him a dopey smile, his eyes still a little glassy from whatever edibles he indulged in earlier. “I bet you were real cute as a little kid.”
Mal blushes and sputters. “I… that is… well…”
Ellie sighs loudly, a fond expression taking over her face. “Both my boys were simply adorable when they were little.” She shakes her head sadly. “And now look at them. Where did I go wrong?”
I snort with laughter.
My mom suddenly pipes up. “Don’t worry, Kai. I’ve got plenty of pictures of River when he was a sweet little munchkin.” She winks at him. “I’m happy to share. After all, fair’s fair.”
Kai’s expression brightens, and I shrug with total unconcern. “I’m cool with that. After all, I was super stinkin’ cute as a kid. I have nothing to be ashamed of.” I arch an eyebrow. “Although, my hair was even wilder then. I just know you’re going to lose your mind over my baby curls.”
The dreamy look on Kai’s face is way too adorable.
I know him so freaking well.
Eventually, after we all finish our dessert, I stand up and get everyone’s attention. “Ahem! Thank you, everyone, for being here today and for indulging me in this little surprise party for Kai. We’ve been through a lot lately, but I wanted to make sure we were able to celebrate his birthday in style. He deserves to be celebrated every day—because he’s freaking awesome—but especially today. So, raise your voices, and let’s all serenade the birthday boy now!”
My sweet hubby-boo sits there, fidgeting in his chair, his expression reflecting ten kinds of awkwardness, as everyone at the table loudly sings an enthusiastic chorus of “Happy Birthday” to him.
He only has to endure this particular torture once a year, so he can suck it up.
Half an hour later, the festivities are over and we’re back at home.
Fortunately, my former royal bodyguard Chewy moved out not too long after we dealt with Shilgar the Deadly, which has made it a lot easier to do things like seduce my man in any room I want again! For now, he’s off on a much-deserved intergalactic vacation after over a decade without any time off.
In the kitchen, I push Kai back against the island and drop to my knees. Looking up at him, I lick my lips. “I do believe the birthday boy deserves another present.” I waggle my eyebrows. “Screw blowing out candles, I want to blow you.”
His pupils dilate and his breath quickens before he nods enthusiastically.
Heh. I am the king of birthdays.
With deliberate slowness, I unzip Kai’s pants, then pull them down to his knees, keeping him restrained and at my mercy. Just the way I want him.
Mwahahahaha!
Whoa. I totally channeled some of my inner Lord Vardox just then.
Kai’s eager erection is already standing at attention and just waiting for my tender, loving care.
But I take my time.
I gently fondle his balls first and Kai groans, his hips involuntarily humping the air. In response, I reach behind him and give his right ass cheek a light smack. “Patience, baby.”
Letting go of his balls, I wrap my hand around the base of his shaft, holding it steady for me. My eager tongue licks a stripe up the impressive length of him, and the tip of it traces the underside of the sensitive head just the way he loves. Kai clutches some of my hair with a sexy gasp. Fighting back a grin, I circle the glans, then flick my tongue against his wet tip and savor the salty taste there.
“Fuck,” Kai moans, and his eyes flutter closed.
Damn but he’s gorgeous.
“Later,” I promise.
Eventually, I decide I’ve teased him enough. That’s when I lick my lips, open wide, and swallow him down like a motherfucking champ.
“Dark matter and dammit!” Kai roars.
It’s taken me some time to get used to deep throating my hubby-boo, but I’m rather proud of the progress I’ve made. I put my hard-earned skills to use and swallow convulsively around him once his length is as far down my throat as I can handle. My reward occurs when Kai clutches my hair almost to the point of hurting and his thighs tremble with the effort to remain still. Bringing him to the edge of his control like this is a heady rush I savor fully.
With loving care, I worship his cock with my mouth until he’s wild with need. That’s when he pulls me off him and into his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist while he ravishes my mouth with relentless hunger, leaving me breathless and trembling too.
“Bedroom?” I ask, my voice hoarse.
Deep throating alien dick will do that to a man, but I’m not complaining.
He moves to take a step forward and nearly trips over his pants still bunched around his knees.
I can’t help it. I giggle.
He gives me a warning look before he reaches down with one hand to pull them up while his other keeps a firm hold of my ass. We shuffle a bit awkwardly up the stairs to the bedroom, and Kai tosses me on the bed, making me sigh happily.
I watch as he gets undressed and stalks toward me, his eyes giving off sparks of desire.
We’ve been married for two weeks and our passion for one another hasn’t waned one bit. In fact, it just keeps getting more intense with every day.
I fucking love it.
It also helps that Kai’s episode of Tentaculum Calefaction has passed and he’s back to his normal self. Everything we do together now is something he wants, not something needed to sate his Mating Fever. Having control over himself again has made Kai’s desire for me supernova hot.
Let’s do the math. I’m a gay twenty-two-year-old man and in my sexual prime, I have a supersexy husband with a dick and tentacles to keep me hella satisfied, and we recently escaped a brush with death. All this adds up to me deliberately finding every possible opportunity to experience life-affirming lovemaking with Kai.
Marvin Gaye sang about sexual healing, and let me tell you, I am a believer!
I let Kai undress me, which I know for a fact he loves to do, and sprawl out like the wanton, willing husband—and geeky sex god—that I am.
Kai growls. “You drive me wild. I need you more than anything in this universe.”
Feeling especially naughty this evening, I sit up and provocatively position myself on my hands and knees, waving my fabulous ass at Kai. “Right back atcha, babycakes. Now, how about you fuck me from behind? I want you to pound me good and hard.”
He moans long and loud when he sees the butt plug I’ve been wearing for the last few hours. I wanted to be prepared for some hardcore fucking after I got my man all riled up with sugar, chocolate, and a blow job.
Like I said—King. Of. Birthdays.
Period.
Three tentacles burst out of Kai’s abdominal pouch with horny intent. He grabs one, its tip covered with its own natural, slick lube, which he uses to help coat his cock.
Kneeling behind me, he traces the tip of a tentacle around the plug in my ass. “You did this for me?”
I wiggle my butt. “Uh-huh. All for you, sexy.”
Well, and for me, but you get the idea.
His tentacle wraps around the base of the plug and slowly pulls it out of me, making me gasp at the momentary pressure and then the sensation of fullness leaving me.
“So beautiful,” Kai murmurs. “So perfect.” His cock presses against my very ready hole. “And all mine.”
He enters me in one long, smooth thrust that has me seeing stars.
“Ahhh!”
Two tentacles encircle my already shaking thighs and hold me steady as Kai starts to move inside me. The third one sneaks around my hip and circles around my cock to stroke me the way I like while Kai pounds my ass just how I wanted.
Nay, needed.
He changes his angle slightly and nails my prostate. I clench around him tight.
“Fuck yeah, baby!”
Kai grunts and continues to fuck me good and hard. No one’s ever been able to take me to the same dizzying orgasmic highs as this man. With his big cock inside me and his dexterous tentacle playing my cock like a Stradivarius, it isn’t long until my balls start to draw up.
“Gonna come,” I gasp.
“Yes,” he hisses between clenched teeth as his movements grow wilder.
Everything around me fades away and all I can focus on is the tight grip of his tentacle around my aching cock and the way his cock fills me just right. My orgasm builds inside me, and I strain to reach that magical finish line. I arch my back and cry out when I finally come, and my cock explodes with my release in several thick spurts.
Kai’s quick to follow. He lets out a loud shout of satisfaction as he comes.
His tentacles release their hold and retract as he collapses on top of me. I listen to his two hearts beating as I stroke his back lovingly.
“That was fucking epic. Or should I say, epic fucking.”
Kai snorts and nuzzles my neck. “You just can’t help yourself, can you?”
I reach a hand down and pinch his delectable ass. “You wouldn’t have me any other way and you know it.”
He draws back enough to stare down at me. I see our future reflected in his gorgeous amethyst eyes. “This was the best birthday of my life. Truly. Thank you.”
Lifting my hands, I cup his face with them. “This is just the beginning. There’ll be many more to come.” I grin. “And I’ll try to top each and every one!”
He chuckles and kisses me softly. “I’ve no doubt, my love. I look forward to it.”
With the tender care he always shows me, Kai carefully pulls out of me and I gasp as his come starts to trickle down my thigh.
“Fuck, I love that,” I tell him.
After all, I’ve never been shy when it comes to sex.
He repositions himself next to me and reaches a hand down to stick a finger in my tender, slippery hole.
I moan.
“Still sensitive, hmm?” Kai murmurs in my ear, then nibbles the lobe in a way that starts to wake up my spent cock.
His fingers play with me and gently stroke in and out of my body.
Once his Tentaculum Calefaction had finally passed, we stopped using condoms again. I’ve discovered I really fucking love the feel of his jizz leaking out of me. It makes me feel even more connected to my man. I’m not entirely sure why, but let’s just say it gets me stupidly hot.
“I like you dripping with my come,” Kai growls, his voice full of masculine satisfaction.
I arch an eyebrow at him. “I like you dripping with mine, too.”
He grins at me. “We’ll do that again soon. But for now”—he taps the tip of my dick—”it appears that you could go for a second round.”
There are advantages to being twenty-two, almost twenty-three. My cock is starting to harden again.
Kai’s lips brush against the sensitive shell of my ear. “Want me to tentacle fuck you?”
I shudder with need. “Oh, hell to the fucking yeah.”
Seriously, if you haven’t tried it, tentacle sex will blow your mind.
For reals, I could totally be a brand ambassador. Sign up now for Tentacle Temptations and boldly go where your holes have never gone before!
I’m sad far too few humans will ever get to experience the magic of multiple pleasure-giving appendages. But my hunky tentacled boo is all mine!
Kai shifts me to my side, so my back is to his front. He lifts my right leg up and behind his hip, leaving my entrance easily accessible to his eager tentacle.
I’m still soft and slick from our fucking, so his questing appendage slips inside me easily, wriggling around happily once inside my channel.
Sure, the first time we did this, the sensation was kind of weird. Different. But now I can’t get e-fucking-nough of it!
His tentacle moves deeper inside me, massaging my prostate on a mission from the galactic gods to give me an unforgettable happy ending.
I moan and start to stroke my cock.
Kai bats my hand away and takes hold of me in his much bigger, hotter fist. “Let me.”
I reach my arms up and back, wrapping them around the back of his neck as his tentacle fucks into me and he jacks me, already well attuned to the pressure and movements I prefer.
“You feel so fucking good. Don’t stop.”
“I’ll give you what you need. Now and always.”
And I believe him. I don’t know if I ever really believed in soulmates before I met Kai. But now I’m a full-fledged member of the cult, so to speak. This man is it for me. My perfect match and lifelong partner. I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together.
If only we didn’t have things to worry about, like the Sanctioning Ceremony and a possible alien invasion of Earth.
But those worries drift away as my body gives in to pleasure.
My second orgasm of the night isn’t as strong, but it’s still deeply satisfying. Kai’s tentacle continues to undulate inside me until my sensitive nerve endings can’t handle any more. Only then does he slowly withdraw it.
We kiss languidly for a long while. Kai’s tentacles pet me all over, showing me in their own way just how precious I am.
When we both start getting sleepy, we shift positions so Kai can spoon me from behind. We snuggle contentedly, his arms and tentacles wrapped around.
It’s when Kai starts to trail whisper-soft kisses along the back of my neck that I know he’s working up to discussing something with me. By now, I’ve learned his tells.
“So… uh… I want to do something for you. For us.”
Aww. My hubby-boo sounds nervous.
I turn in his embrace so we’re facing each other. “What’s that?”
He swallows. “I want to plan our honeymoon.”
I blink at him. In all honesty, I wasn’t expecting this.
“It’ll have to be after the Sanctioning Ceremony. And after we’ve dealt with other… pressing matters.”
I sigh and can’t hold back a scowl. “I’m real tired of others trying to fuck with our marital bliss.”
Aka, Layne Fucking Madison.
“Agreed.”
“Our honeymoon, huh?” I ask, getting back to the issue at hand. “You don’t want me to help you plan it? We could do it together like we did for the wedding.”
“I know that it is a very illogical desire I’m experiencing, but I feel compelled to do this for you. I won’t be able to rest easy unless I can.” He frowns to himself, clearly perplexed.
My heart starts overflowing with love like it’s a chocolate fountain.
Kai has always had a teensy bit of Vulcan about him. So stoic and serious. So by the book about everything. Knowing I’m the one person in this universe who can make him flustered and inspire such powerful emotions in him fills me with all the happy feels.
Kai flushes a charming shade of pink and lowers his gaze almost shyly.
Fucking hell. How does he just keep getting more and more adorable?
“I want to make it a special surprise for you. You deserve a honeymoon that is, as you would say, utterly epic.”
I grin. “I’m all about the epic. And not that I’m not honored by this desire of yours, but shouldn’t our honeymoon be something fun for you too?”
He considers this for a moment. “Iyarans don’t really have a tradition when it comes to honeymoons. It’s more of a custom among Earthlings. So I want to make it truly special for you. I’ll enjoy it because you will, I promise.”
The look he’s giving me is so hopeful and earnest I can’t possibly say no.
No one can melt my heart like Kai Genaro.
“Okay, hubby-boo. I’ll leave the planning in your very capable hands—and tentacles.” I kiss his chin. “But if you need help, don’t hesitate to ask.”
His answering smile is so bright it’s almost blinding. “Thank you. I won’t let you down.”
It’s a small thing for him to ask and I’m happy to agree. After all, I’d give this man almost anything he could ever want from me, and I know he’d do the same. Soulmates for the win!
Besides, I’ll find my own way to pay him back for whatever awesome honeymoon he’s planning.
I’m a competitive romantic like that.
A Very Tentacular Honeymoon #4.5
Captain Starblade was starting to fear he’d made a terrible mistake in admitting his feelings to Vardox. But even he could no longer deny that it was true. Damn and blast, but he was falling for the seductive villain.
“Darling, if you keep scowling like that you’re going to create wrinkles on that handsome face of yours,” Vardox drawled.
Starblade took a sip of his meteor-grade mead and studied the pub at the inn where they’d decided to stay for the night on Falwar V. Despite his better judgment, he’d allowed Vardox to talk him into a brief getaway together.
Taking up most of the ground floor, the pub was filled with both the inn’s overnight patrons and locals stopping in for drink and food. Starblade and Vardox were seated at a cozy table in a dimly lit corner of the room, for which Starblade was grateful. He was still skittish about being seen in public with Vardox.
“We should take this opportune moment to discuss our future together, my mate,” Vardox purred with pleasure.
Starblade’s cheeks warmed. “I haven’t consented to be your mate yet. That seems… premature.” He lowered his voice. “I only just agreed to start… er… dating you.”
Vardox’s expression turned sardonic. “So our many months of fucking beforehand meant nothing? I’d say we’ve been ‘dating’ for well over a year.”
“Th-that doesn’t count,” Starblade sputtered, grasping at straws.
Vardox waved a dismissive hand, his claws glinting in the low light. “Whatever you say, my sweet captain. In the end, all that matters is formally making you my mate.” His eyes flashed with fiery determination. “And trust me when I say, I’m a Masnok who gets what he wants.”
Starblade’s cock throbbed in anticipation at Vardox’s words. It was a rather unfair twist of fate that no one else in the godsforsaken universe could ignite such passionate desire in Starblade besides the villainous Lord Vardox. Yet even Starblade was forced to admit that perhaps Vardox wasn’t quite as evil as he’d first believed. The man had risked life and limb to save Starblade and his crew when they were kidnapped by a Katnu space pirate, after all.
Just recalling the Blood Duel Vardox had fought to win his freedom made Starblade’s chest ache and his gut churn with fear. Perhaps he simply needed to stop fighting and fully give in to his need for Vardox?
Black holes and bollocks! It wasn’t just his body that wanted Vardox, it was also his foolish heart.
—The Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade, Ch. 170
Chloe Archer writes queer sci-fi and paranormal rom coms with laugh out loud humor because she’s all about bringing the funny-sexy back. Oh, yeah!
She currently call Minnesota home, but has lived abroad in places like Montreal, Edinburgh, and Tokyo. She’s hoping to relocate to Scotland permanently in the next few years if the stars align.
Chloe is a fur mama to two adorable Yorkies, Jasper and Teddy, and she loves them in a crazy dog mama kind of way. When she isn’t busy writing, she enjoys visiting friends and family, traveling, reading, binge watching movies and TV shows, and practicing her karaoke skills. She does a mean cover of Pat Benatar and Cher, or so she’s been told.
EMAIL: chloe@chloearcher.com
When a Man Loves an Alien #3
All You Need is Alien Love #4
A Very Tentacular Honeymoon #4.5
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