Summary:
Finn
Getting into the vampire-only detective unit was the easy part; what’s going to be more difficult is dealing with my new partner, an ancient vampire who keeps threatening to eat me. The unit has never had a human in it, and Marcus—or as I like to call him, Fangy McFangface—would really prefer to keep it that way. He’s grumpy, short-tempered, and broody, but I have a way with words and I know he’s starting to like me, even if he swears he’s not. But what he doesn’t know is that I didn’t join the unit because I was tired of being a homicide detective, I joined because there is someone after me. They’ve already taken enough from me and I’m afraid they’re going to take all of me if I don’t find someone to help. That’s all Marcus was supposed to be, but now, he’s so much more and I can’t imagine my life without him.
Marcus
The moment the pesky human walked through that door, I knew I had to get rid of him. He’s charming and almost everyone else instantly loves him, but he doesn’t understand how risky it is being part of this unit as a human. But as I get to know the stubborn man, I learn that perhaps he’s not as naive as I once thought. And maybe he’s what I needed to realize there is more to life than just work and my dog. A group arises who is threatening to disrupt the alliance between the humans and the vampires, but Finn is the one who shows me how strong that alliance can be and reminds me why it’s worth protecting. When threats hit closer to home, I realize I would do anything for Finn because he’s brought so much joy to my life—and because he’s mine.
This 105k word book contains: A creative use for undergarments, unintentional splits, a wolfhound who just wants to be a part of things, a vertically challenged human who still manages to wrap every vampire he meets around his little finger, the best date ever, possessiveness, really awkward dancing, some workplace revenge, and just a bite or two. Or three.
While the plot of the first book is tied up and completed, there's a minor cliffhanger that will be tied up in the second book.
Finn
When the vampire stalking me sent me a letter, I was prepared for my new life with the man I love to get thrown into chaos. But as the days stretch on and nothing happens, I become determined not to allow that monster to rule my life, and decide that Marcus and I will move on. We can’t always allow the past to haunt us. If that includes pestering Marcus and harassing my fellow detectives, they’d better learn to love it, because I’m not going anywhere even if they like to remind me I’m the only human working in a department filled with vampires. But Marcus loves me for who I am, even if he’s not crazy about the cute pet names I call him like McBitey. Being with him is more than I could have dreamed, and even with the trials thrown in our way, he never fails to make me smile.
Marcus
When Finn joined the VRC, I never expected how everything would change. Now that he’s the brightest part of my days, I’m unsure of how I existed without him. Before Finn and I can settle into our new life together, we’re called in as lead detectives when a body is found in the river, and the case soon hits closer to home than we anticipated. I want to be by Finn’s side to keep him safe, but at the same time, Finn’s fighting for the freedom he’s always wanted after being forced to live a life of fear. What I do know is that my future is with Finn, no matter what happens.
How to Elude a Vampire is the second in the VRC series and contains a display of manly prowess that doesn't go as desired, reluctant bonding with a new pet, interfering with a snarky Russian's love life, misuse of office supplies, a vampire with a killer fashion sense but very little game, a total lack of ancient kung fu powers, a feisty human who almost always gets his way and the possessive vampire who adores him.
How to Vex a Vampire #1
Chapter One
FINN
The first thing I notice as I walk into the room is the woman’s body lying on the floor, her blonde hair splayed out around an abnormally pale face. Just as I kneel down to get a better look, someone grabs my arm and pulls me back. It might have to do with the fact that I’m technically not supposed to be in the room, but I do feel like they could’ve been slightly more gentle.
“What are you doing here?” the man asks, golden eyes sharp. He’s dressed to perfection, not a single wrinkle in his button-up and suit jacket. His dark hair is neatly styled, very much unlike my waves.
“Working. What are you doing here?” I ask. While I know he is the one who technically should be here, I feel like the longer I engage him, the longer it’ll be before he throws me out on my ass. We don’t exactly have a good track record with each other.
“Clearly, I am investigating. And seeing as I did not hear that we were needing help from homicide, I believe you need to move on,” he says.
He’s a handsome man with light stubble, but he has a look about him that tells me he’s used to bossing people around. I saw as much when our paths crossed because of our jobs. I’m a homicide detective and he’s part of the VRC—Vampire Related Crimes.
Even so, my eyes stray over to the woman lying on the floor. I can’t help but wonder how long she’s been dead or who found her body. Since I work with normal homicide, I was not actually called in even though there is a dead body. The department seems to play favorites like that just because I don’t have pointy teeth and look like I’ve never seen the sunlight.
“Do you have permission to be here?” he asks.
“I do!” And then I return to ignoring him. I kneel down, hoping to examine her body before I’m pulled away again, but the man is far too quick. He grabs my wrist and pulls me back to my feet. “So touchy. Do you perhaps miss the time we worked together?” I was on a case a few months prior that was handed over to the VRC after I’d poured hours into it. I wasn’t pleased to be handing my case off to the other department, and even less pleased when the grumpy vampire in front of me had been the lead detective. Somehow, we got stuck working together for the rest of the day, but I hadn’t seen him since.
“No, you don’t have permission,” he said, completely ignoring my question.
“Then why’d you ask?”
And apparently that was his last straw. These fangy types are always a little quick to anger.
“Move along,” he grumbles. Clearly, we’re off to a wonderful start.
I am positive at this point that he wouldn’t mind maiming me. But before he can, I pull up my badge and hold it before him. His gold-colored eyes scan my badge. They’re such a unique color, only seen in a few vampires. Most hold the same color they had when they died, but his are a very clear gold. He takes a moment before handing it back. “What’s this prove? I already know who you are.” He sighs like he doesn’t have time to deal with me and motions to the door like I don’t know where it is even though I’ve just come through it. “You don’t have clearance to be here. It’s outside your jurisdiction, please leave the scene.”
I’m honestly kind of surprised there was a “please” in there with the look he’s currently giving me. “Actually, this is inside my jurisdiction, and I want to know why I wasn’t invited,” I say with a grin. While we are both aware why I wasn’t invited, I feel like making him say it will give me some satisfaction. What’s better yet is the scowl he’s giving me even though he still hasn’t left or forced me to leave.
“You can bring this up with your superior,” he says.
“What’s going on?” a voice I recognize asks. I turn and the new arrival gives me a huge smile. “Finn! I haven’t seen you in what feels like months!”
“It was just a week ago!” I tell the deputy chief of the Vampire Related Crimes unit.
“It sure feels longer!” Chief Brooks says.
“Aww, does that mean you missed me?” I ask as I slide in for a hug whether he wants it or not.
He takes it just because he’s that kind of guy. “More like I was hoping it was longer!”
“Nah! You love me and you know it!”
The older man laughs. “For some reason, I do,” he says as he gives me a one-armed squeeze. “Finn, you already know Detective Church, right? You guys worked together for an afternoon a while back?”
“We did,” the man says. “I didn’t know homicide had been invited to help us with the case.”
“I… don’t think they were. What are you up to, Finn?” Brooks asks.
I give him a smile. “Just happened to hear this called in and decided to stop and see if you needed my help,” I say as nonchalantly as possible.
Neither seems too convinced with my exaggeration of the truth. “Happened to hear it? Seeing as we’re on a different frequency, I’m having a strangely hard time believing that,” Brooks says.
I grab my chest as I stare at Brooks. “Are… Are you calling me a liar? My good man, does this face look like the face of a liar?”
“One hundred percent.”
I grin at him. “Actually… I’ve been offered a promotion.”
He gives me a genuine smile. He’s always been so proud of me no matter what I do. I’ve known Brooks since I was a teenager, and he was a mentor of sorts after I decided to get into law enforcement. Since he doesn’t have children at home, it almost felt like he pulled me under his wing and helped me along the way like I was family. “Wow! Congratulations, Finn. That’s amazing.”
“That I don’t want,” I interrupt. “I would like to be transferred to VRC.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Finn, you know that’s not open for debate. You can’t just join the VRC department.”
“There’s an opening, and you guys have been looking for six months to fill it. I’d like to apply.”
“Finn—” He’s giving me that tone like he wants to be sweet and nice but is also putting his foot down as father-figure Brooks comes out.
“Is it because I don’t gnaw on people? I mean, I can give a mean hickey if that’s what I need to do to get considered.”
Brooks tilts his head and raises an eyebrow. “You’re a crucial member of the homicide department, I know that much, but I can’t have you on the team.”
I hold his eyes as I stand my ground. I’m shorter than both of them and I know my thin stature doesn’t give me much of a leg up, but I’m determined. “I can hold my own.”
“I’m aware, Finn. But it’s still a no. There are no humans in our unit and there never have been because it’s too dangerous. You are a human, so you need to deal with humans; we’re vampires, so we deal with vampires. It’s not a choice. It’s what works, and it’s what keeps everyone the safest.”
I will not be deterred. “I’ve dealt with so many vampires in my life that I’m positive I can hold my own against them.”
“In an empty-handed fight, you’d get your ass handed to you,” Brooks says.
“That’s the issue with you vampires, you think everything has to be a fight. You’re right, I might not be able to take on a vampire hand-to-hand, but I have the weapons skills and the smarts to hold my own.”
Brooks shakes his head. “Why? What’s wrong with where you’re at?”
That’s a secret, but I’ll give him part of the truth. “I need to do something else with my life and you guys are a man short. You guys need me. You guys long for me. You just don’t know it yet.”
Marcus snorts, like I might have forgotten about him. I definitely haven’t. Marcus Church is very well-known amongst us detectives because he’s good at what he does and a bit ruthless. The women, and a few men, all like talking about the renowned Marcus.
“We just filled the spot. Sorry about your luck,” Marcus says.
I tilt my head at the guy in the corner and notice almost instantly that he’s young. Through years of interacting with vampires and watching them closely, I’ve learned how to decipher whether a vampire is young or old since physical appearance doesn’t help. The younger they are, the more they wear to protect themselves against the sun. But they also do other social things that give it away. Vampires are very respectful of age. The older a vampire, the more respect you give them. Then the dead giveaway is how well they can handle blood. This man is hesitant and he’s having trouble with the blood that’s been spilled across the floor, which is easily noticeable by the way he’s wrinkling his nose. “Him?”
Most older vampires, unless presented with a large quantity of blood, can handle the smell and control themselves. And vampire blood is rarely noticed by vampires unless the vampire presented with the blood is extremely young. But it’s a requirement for them to keep a mask on their belts at all times, in case they’re presented with a situation they can’t handle. If they’re driven by bloodlust, there’s no telling what they could do.
“Yes, him,” Brooks says.
“Good luck,” I say with a smile.
Brooks shakes his head. “Don’t give me that tone.”
I widen my eyes like I have no idea what he’s talking about. “I had no tone. I just kindly wished you luck.”
Brooks folds his arms across his broad chest as Church stares at me, clearly unimpressed. “That’s because you think it’s not going to work out.”
“It’s not,” I say, and Church gets a little hint of an expression on his face that tells me he actually agrees with me. “Even Church here doesn’t like him.”
Brooks turns to Church and raises an eyebrow. “While Church might have been a bit… hesitant, our new hire was at the top of his class and Church has taken him under his wing.”
Church audibly scoffs at that and I realize I kind of like the guy.
I smile at Church. When I first met him a few months ago, I thought that he could be a bit of a dick, but I think it’s a façade he puts up. “I can’t wait to work with you,” I say as I give Church a pat on the shoulder.
“Who does this kid think he is?” Church asks.
“He’s like a tiny fly that loudly buzzes around pestering everyone,” Brooks teases even though he clearly loves me and all the stuff I put him through.
“And your new partner,” I tell Church before holding a hand out.
Church glances at it then completely ignores it. “I need to get back to work.”
“When you do, check under the couch, there’s probably a knife or something under there. I’m surprised your superior sniffy skills didn’t kick in and notice it. You can see the scrapes in the hardwood from where they forced it under, and I’m assuming it’s the murder weapon,” I say. “See ya at work tomorrow, Brooks.”
Brooks shakes his head, clearly forgetting how to show excitement. “Don’t come in.”
I grin at him as I back toward the door. “You know you don’t mean that!”
“Don’t come in, Finn! No one wants you!”
“Church does,” I say as I wink toward a scowling Church before leaving the room.
While I know they have no interest in me because I’m human, I also know that I will whittle them down until they let me join. They have to because I need to kill him. And the only way I’m going to kill that asshole is with a team of vampires behind me.
I know, they say that you shouldn’t fixate on revenge.
But I have a vendetta and I’m not going to stop until that man is lying at my feet with every ounce of his blood drained from his body.
And then I’m going to watch him burn.
I might be bad at holding on to decade-old grudges, but this is one that I just can’t drop. Not yet, anyway.
I get into the car and rub at my thigh that’s aching. It’s not like I can rub the pain out of it, but it helps.
Now I just need to get rid of the new vampire, who is book smart but not old enough to control himself in a department such as this one, and show them that I can be a vital part of their department.
I just hope it’s not too late.
MARCUS
I turn away from the interruption and back to the dead woman lying on the floor. She’s a vampire, but a young one. One young enough that a slit throat killed her. VRC deals with any case involving a vampire while homicide deals with human deaths caused by other humans. Occasionally, they mesh, but most of the time if homicide realizes they’re dealing with a vampire in any form, the case gets pushed over to our department.
Which is how I met Finnigan Hayes. I’d been taking over a case that he’d been deeply involved in. While I understood his reluctance to hand over weeks of hard work, it was needed because they realized that the killer was a vampire. Instead of willingly handing it over, we got stuck together for part of an afternoon which led me to realize that he’s an annoying human. Thankfully, I haven’t seen him since.
This is also why I knew that he didn’t belong here, and he knew that as well.
But humans like him think they’re allowed to do anything they want and get away with it. Why should he be allowed to join this unit without the correct requirements? Unless he’s planning on dying anytime soon, he’s not welcome.
“Welks, help me move this couch,” an analyst says as he grabs the edge of the couch to see if the knife really is under it.
The analyst is a human who was pulled in just for the day because the regular one had the day off. Since he’d already been called in before they realized it was VRC’s case, he was asked to stick around.
The analyst grabs the couch as the new recruit, Welks, walks over to help.
“Fuck,” the human analyst cries as he jerks his hand back. “There’s something sharp on the edge of the couch.”
I think nothing of the sweet smell of blood until Welks lunges for the analyst. Briar grabs Welks as he zooms on by, ready to “help” the analyst with his bleeding problem.
“Nope! Out you go!” Briar, a fellow detective and member of my group, says as she hauls Welks outside with her.
Welks had already been on edge all day from being surrounded by blood, and this seemed to just set him off. But if this minor of a thing could set him off, what happens when we’re thrown into a bigger case?
I look up and lock eyes with Brooks. “No,” I state flatly, realizing what the look on his face is saying. “Now, I’m glad that I’m right about the whole Welks thing, but no. There will be no damn human on my team.”
“He’s smart.”
I jab a finger at the wide-eyed analyst. “If the human analyst wasn’t here, that wouldn’t have been an issue.” I know what I’m saying is absolutely stupid. It’s not the human’s fault. A vampire should be able to control themselves even if someone simply pricks their finger.
“Top of his class,” Brooks reminds me.
“No.”
“You should see all the work he’s done.”
“No.”
“He was practically raised by a vampire, so he understands all the ins and outs.”
“How do you know so much about this kid?” I ask in disbelief.
“He talks… a lot. Like if you don’t know everything about him by the end of your first day working together, then he’s either dead or unconscious. I’ve also known him since he was young.”
I narrow my eyes. “‘Our first day working together?’ Excuse me? I must be going deaf in my old age.”
“Tomorrow is going to be so much fun!” Brooks says, and I decide he’s an asshole. That’s alright. I’ll make the kid want to leave.
How to Elude a Vampire #2
Chapter One
FINN
Sometimes, I wonder how I’m still alive. I don’t think I’m necessarily reckless, although some might say that having a partner who is a vampire and joining a vampire-only police department makes me seem like it. But I honestly feel safer now than I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m surrounded by men and women who are faster and deadlier than any human, yet I feel like I’m covered by a security blanket. A blanket with fangs and grumpy personalities.
Growing up, my security came from me relying on myself—my mother did little to protect me—so I learned how to care for myself and keep myself safe. But now… now I have Marcus to watch over me and it’s oddly comforting.
“What are you contemplating over there?” Marcus asks.
I smile at the handsome vampire who is looming next to me. “How you got so lucky to end up with me.”
“I literally just asked if you wanted sprinkles on your ice cream and you got this far-off look on your face like you had to contemplate how sprinkles came into existence.”
I narrow my eyes. “Don’t get sassy with me,” I growl.
Karsyn, who’s in front of us in line at the tiny ice cream shop right next to the city’s main park, slowly turns to look at us. “Disgusting,” he growls, Russian accent coming through thicker because of his tone. The poor sweet man is just sexually frustrated because the man he spends all day ogling doesn’t seem to notice nor like him.
“So?” Marcus says.
“So?” I ask, unsure what we’re “so-ing” about since I might have gotten distracted by Karsyn’s rancid, yet kind of cute, attitude. I love it when he gets really fired up and starts spitting shit at people in Russian. It makes me feel worldly to be surrounded by such diverse people.
“Sprinkles. Do you want some motherfucking sprinkles?” Marcus asks.
“They fuck mothers?” I ask, acting aghast.
A mother who is two people ahead of us turns creepily slow to glare at us. She gets one look at Marcus and quickly turns back around. Marcus can be a bit menacing before you get to know him. And then once you know him, he’s adorable.
“I’m just going to get him a bowl,” Karsyn decides. “An empty bowl. And he can hold his empty bowl and forlornly regret being a smart-ass. He’ll be all like ‘Please, sir, I want some more’ and I’m going to laugh in his face.”
There are still three people ahead of us in line, so I have time to kill while harassing my two favorite people.
“I feel like you’re especially snarky today, Karsyn,” I say as I step forward and wrap my arms around his body. He instantly stiffens and starts barking stuff in Russian as I squeeze him tightly. I’m positive he’s saying stuff like “I love you” and “Hug me harder.”
“I think he’s liking it,” Marcus says. While Marcus, my boyfriend of six months, hates me interacting with anyone who could even remotely like me, he does love it when I harass Karsyn. We both do. It’s kind of a bonding experience. We bond over torturing Karsyn and Karsyn bonds with us because he must secretly like it.
“Get. Off. Me,” he growls, but it makes me squeeze him tighter. And then he’s spitting Russian words at me again.
“Marcus, I’ve been studying Russian and he just said he loves me!”
“Aw!” Marcus says, which sounds weird coming out of the often brooding and grumpy vampire, but again, it relates to annoying Karsyn, so everything’s game.
When I first joined the Vampire Related Crimes unit, or the VRC, after leaving homicide, a lot of the vampires really didn’t like me. Even Marcus, who now confesses his undying love to me every time he sees me, tried his hardest to get rid of me. Karsyn, on the other hand, downright hated me for a good month or so while the others tolerated me. They weren’t used to working with a human partner, since the VRC had never had a human employee before. Thankfully, with my amazing skill of suckering people into liking me, I soon had them all declaring our best friendship.
But out of it all, the thing that mattered to me the most was the way Marcus’s relationship with me changed. While I had plenty of things in my past that made me very grateful, no one has ever made me as happy as Marcus has.
“I’m going to teach you Russian someday so you can understand that I was telling you how irritating you are,” Karsyn growls.
“My one true love?” I ask Marcus.
“Huh?”
“After this… can we go to the park and have Karsyn push me on the swing?” I ask like I’m very hopeful that this will actually happen.
It’s finally spring, so children have flocked to the park, even though the air is slightly cool with the wind cutting through it. The overcast sky allows the vampires out, but they’re still wearing dark clothes and sunglasses. Since the light isn’t too bright, my sunglasses are hooked on my shirt. Anytime the sun comes out, I have to slip them on since the bright light also bothers my eyes. But no one besides Marcus really knows why.
“Next?” the cashier calls out.
Karsyn steps up to her, a scowl still on his face.
“Good afternoon, how can I help you?” the young woman says with so much cheer that it hits Karsyn’s impenetrable brooding bubble and tumbles off.
“I’d like a cup, no ice cream, nothing in it at all for the human. No sprinkles, definitely no spoon. Just a cup,” Karsyn says.
She looks confused as she stares at her notepad. “Just a… cup? Like to share?” she asks.
“Do you see him?” I ask as I press into Karsyn even closer, but my height difference makes it hard to see much of anything. Karsyn is taller than me, but Marcus has about three inches on him and can actually see past him.
“He’s in the back, right there. Jeffry Thompson, you’re under arrest!” Marcus shouts.
When the man peeks over a shelf to look at us, I finally get a good look at him. Then I get a very good look at his back as he bolts, slamming through the door of the tiny ice cream place and out into the street, but Briar has been waiting on that side and DeGray on the other for a moment just like this.
Jeffry is a vampire we’d pinpointed to this location after a string of break-ins and assaults. He’s also very well known for getting away from his pursuers, so the five of us decided to tackle it together, even though I generally work just with Marcus out in the field.
“Can your tiny little legs keep up?” Karsyn asks.
Marcus waves at him like he’s going to defend me. “Shh, Karsyn. He doesn’t like it when you make fun of his speed. You’re like a cheetah, baby,” Marcus encourages. Sadly, he doesn’t see me flipping him off as he and Karsyn zoom off, leaving the struggling human behind.
Jeffry slams into Briar who latches on to him. He socks her in the face with an elbow and she tucks her head away as we rush toward them. He yanks something out that looks like a small handheld canister, but it’s hard to see with them struggling with each other. He brings it up, and just as he goes to press down, she catches his hand and turns it before pushing it herself.
What Briar must have forgotten is that the wind is viciously whipping our way, so when she presses down on the canister, I realize exactly what the canister is.
Especially when it hits Marcus, Karsyn, DeGray, and me right in the face.
The pepper spray immediately attacks my senses. My eyes burst into tears as I accidentally breathe it in and begin coughing. I’ve been hit with pepper spray before but there’s no way to ever get used to the feel of it.
“Holy shit!” DeGray cries out as Jeffry pulls free of Briar who’s stumbling away screaming something like “My eyes!”
Marcus is heaving next to me and tears are pouring from my eyes, obscuring my vision. Seeing as they’re vampires and their senses are heightened, it seems that their ability to detect pepper spray is magnitudes above mine.
“I can’t see him. Where’d he go?” Marcus yells as he rips his sunglasses off and crushes them in his hand like the sunglasses caused this issue.
Thankfully, because of my “tiny little human legs” I was far enough behind that I got the aftereffects of the spray.
“Maybe if you were like a cheetah, baby, you wouldn’t be so slow!” I say as I run past the heaving and sobbing vampires.
“Dammit, Finn, don’t take on the vampire alone!” Marcus yells.
“I can’t hear you over the sound of my speeding legs,” I shout as I watch the vampire dodge right into traffic. He hits the side of a moving car, careens over the top of it, lands on his feet like a cat and takes off again only to be shot in the back by one of my tranquilizers.
He looks back at me like he’s offended I dare shoot him when he’s blatantly running from law enforcement. It’s clear he still has plans to keep running, since the drug takes a few moments to really sink in, so I stay close but not too close as I let him tumble over himself while a park full of people watch.
I give them a reassuring smile and a friendly wave as I head over to the man sprawled out in front of some openmouthed kids on a swing.
Their parents come rushing over and pull them away as I handcuff the man. I’m stuck waiting for my team to make their way to me seeing as I wasn’t blessed with amazing strength that would allow me to drag a two-hundred-and-twenty-pound man back to the car. So I sit on the swing and call Marcus.
“Cheetah Legs has apprehended the perp,” I say.
He sounds a little wheezy still. I mean, my eyes are still watering, and I seem to have an excess of snot, but come on! He’s a vampire! “W-Where are you?”
“Cheetah Legs has apprehended the perp below the swings. I repeat, Cheetah Legs—”
“I… apologize for making fun of—”
“The fact I only have one leg?” I ask, knowing that’ll get him riled up. I love it when I say stuff like that and it flusters the unflusterable Marcus.
“No! You know I’d make fun of you no matter how many legs you have, right? Say right. Don’t leave me hanging here. I can’t breathe, and you’re just evil.”
“Good,” I say. “Cheetah Legs would like you to come push him. I repeat, Cheetah Legs needs a push.”
“Are you on a swing?” he asks, like this sounds like a ludicrous thing for me to do as I wait for them to stagger over here.
“Well… while you guys were busy rolling around on the ground, I thought it’d be alright for me to swing a little. Am I wrong? I repeat, is Cheetah Legs wrong?”
He sighs. “No, you’re not wrong.”
“Are you guys ever coming? Or can you just not face Cheetah Legs?”
He groans loudly. “I’m staggering my way over there. It’s hard through the tears.”
“Ah, makes sense, you’re so manly your eyes probably have no idea what tears are. Are they rejecting your body? Are they confused? Hurry up, Grandpa. Ooh, you know the whole Daddy thing? I don’t need a Daddy, I got a Grandpa.”
He hangs up on me.
“Well, I think that turned him on so much he was too flustered to hang on to the phone,” I tell an unconscious Jeffry. He’s a fantastic listener.
I smile as my vampires walk toward me. The curious onlookers scatter and flee to avoid their glares but I really think the vampires are just squinting because of the whole pepper spray in the eyes thing.
“What took you guys so long to get here?” I ask with an innocent smile. It’s the smile that got me just about everything from my adoptive father Orin when I was growing up. I felt like if I had to suffer through being small and cute my entire life, I was going to work that small and cute so damn hard.
“Briar sprayed us in the face with pepper spray,” Karsyn growls, as if I’m not aware. I’m pretty sure my face is as red and blubbering as the rest of them. I have to keep wiping snot away, which is making my cute façade really hard to perfect.
“I… forgot about the wind,” Briar whispers. She was the first one who was nice to me when I joined the department and she was the only one who didn’t seem to care that I was a human. She instantly liked me. It might help that she’s a young vampire and more open to human and vampire interactions. She has dark hair she always keeps pulled back in a tight bun. Ironically, she was also the first one to try to eat me, but I blame that on the fact that I’d had a pot of drug-infused blood dropped on my head.
Next to her is DeGray. He’s kind of the handsome type who is really nice and even looks nice. Like how a superhero in a movie has that look about him that automatically tells you he’s the good guy. He’s who I think Karsyn is interested in, but so far, DeGray has shown no interest back, making me second-guess their dynamic.
I smile at Marcus as he walks up. “Push me, Grandpa.”
He pulls out the brooding look that I love so much. The one he uses when he tries to pretend he hates everything that comes out of my mouth, and also the look that tells me he’s not digging this “Grandpa” nonsense.
DeGray starts laughing. “Grandpa! I love it. You two crack me up.”
I turn to my second-favorite victim. “Karsyn, push me since no one else will!”
“Alright, sure,” Karsyn says, which really should have raised red flags in my brain, but sometimes I think my brain is broken.
What does raise red flags is when Karsyn grabs the swing and yanks it back super quickly, and I realize that I’m about to go for the ride of my life.
“I’m just joking! Save me! Marcus, save me!” I cry.
“Do you guys realize everyone is watching us?” Briar asks.
I look over at the mothers and fathers, the children and teens, all wondering what their law enforcement has come to. “There’s this stigma surrounding the VRC that makes quite a few humans fear us. So I feel like I’m just showing them that you guys are fun and sweet and can take down criminals. The complete package.”
Marcus waves at me as I have a death grip on the swing that Karsyn is still holding up in the air. “You literally say this as Karsyn is preparing to send you into outer space out of spite,” Marcus says. “There are cameras pointed at us as people question whether Karsyn is going to see if the only human officer can fly.”
I look back at Karsyn who is thinking very hard about his next move.
“Okay, okay, I know how to fix this,” DeGray says. “Karsyn, I’ll go out about a hundred yards and prepare to catch him. Marcus, if I drop him, please don’t kill me.”
Karsyn growls, literally growls, then lets go of the swing and I gently swing forward. Promptly, I get off before he decides that didn’t involve enough blood and gore.
“Alright, let’s get this cleaned up before Brooks sees a video of this and we all get fired,” I say as if it wasn’t my idea to play on the swing.
Once we have Jeffry handed over to the transport team who will take him to the local jail for holding, we pile into Marcus’s car. Because I’m special, I get the front passenger seat, even though it makes the three much larger vampires cram in the back. It started off as a joke, and now I’m convinced they’ll literally let me have whatever I want.
I pull my phone out and see that I have a text from my sister Aria. “Marcus, my sister’s bringing her new boyfriend to supper tonight,” I say.
“Well, this will be fun,” Marcus says. Although we’re not technically supposed to be partners and dating, everyone in the car already knows. It was pretty apparent about six or seven months ago when someone was harassing me and Marcus went barreling through the office shouting “He’s mine!” to everyone who’d listen.
It was the hottest thing I’d ever experienced in my life and I was devastated when no one had taken a video of it.
As what he said sinks in, I look at him in confusion. “What do you mean? Orin’s not going to care. He pulled you in with open arms. I’m starting to wonder if he’s considering replacing me with you so he has a ‘cool’ son or some nonsense.”
Marcus dramatically runs his fingers through his hair. “I am pretty cool.”
Karsyn chokes in the back seat. He’s currently trying to pretend he’s not enjoying being crushed between Briar’s and DeGray’s bodies. It doesn’t help that he’s practically throwing his body into Briar to keep from touching DeGray.
It’s kind of cute.
“I think you’re cool!” DeGray pipes in.
“Hold on… so… you think Orin’s going to throw a fit about Aria’s boyfriend even though he never cared about mine?” I ask.
“Well, yeah, Aria’s his little baby girl and he was just trying to get rid of you. I didn’t see all the warning flags before you got ahold of me.”
“Are those fighting words?” I growl.
“Will someone record Finn so I can report this harassment to HR?” Marcus asks.
“You mean we could get rid of the pesky human?” Karsyn asks as he whips his phone out. “Make him do something really bad.”
I reach back to grab for Karsyn’s phone. Since I’m reaching back with my left arm, it means I’m reaching with my prosthesis. So when Karsyn clamps onto my wrist, I go, “Oh my god, my arm!”
He jerks back, allowing me to snatch up the phone. I snicker as I sink into my seat with his phone.
“Oh my god, he’s such a sucker,” I say to Marcus, who is also laughing.
“That’s not funny, moj zanuda,” Karsyn growls. “Give me my phone back. Dammit. I thought I hurt you, you asshole!”
Karsyn has enjoyed calling me Russian names since I met him. He started off calling me zanuda, which I learned you would call someone who annoys you or you dislike. But he’s since started calling me moj zanuda. And while he never spits out what it means, my friend Google told me moj meant mine or my.
I’ll be his annoying person all he wants.
I prove it by unbuttoning my shirt and pulling it to the side until my nipple is showing, then snap a few selfies of me looking absolutely ridiculous while trying to lick my nipple. Once I have the perfect one, I set it as Karsyn’s lock screen and as the picture that’ll show up when I call. Then I turn in my seat to face DeGray.
“Come on, DeGray, give me a nip slip. Show off those abs.”
DeGray starts laughing, but he shakes his head. “Sorry, these abs are closed.”
I scrutinize him for a moment, wondering what that means, before tossing the phone back to Karsyn. I immediately send him a text.
Me: Try not to get too turned on when you look at the picture of me.
Karsyn: I already deleted it.
Me: Bullshit. You love it.
Karsyn: It already haunts me.
My phone beeps again and I look down at the text from my sister Aria.
Aria: Nick is a little concerned about tonight. I’m not sure why. Is it too much?
Me: It’s never too much to introduce your next meal to your ancient father.
Aria: Ha. Ha. You’re so funny.
* * *
We pull into the driveway of Orin’s house just as Aria and her boyfriend get out of their car.
“I’ll be right there,” Marcus says. “Don’t go in without me, but I have to send a quick text.”
“This better be as exciting as you’re leading me to believe,” I threaten him before hopping out. I walk over to my sister who’s smiling at me. She’s my half-sister, since we have different fathers, but I generally refer to her as my sister. My real father is probably some lowlife deadbeat asshole who was probably borderline four feet tall and her father is an amazing ancient vampire who raised me for more than half my life. Regular vampires can’t have children but true vampires can, although it’s extremely rare, making her a dhampir, a half-human, half-vampire.
She’s standing next to a human with short auburn hair and freckles. He has a trimmed red beard and a wide smile. He’s also dressed nice, which tells me he was looking forward to this or hoping to at least make a good impression.
“Nick, this is my brother Finn. Finn, this is Nick,” Aria says with a smile. She really seems to like this guy, and it shows. She rarely brings anyone around since she doesn’t date a whole lot.
“It’s great to get to meet you,” Nick says as he holds a hand out to me, which I shake.
“Nice to meet you too. I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with you to want to hang out with Aria. Is she paying you?”
He snickers. “No, I wasn’t aware that was an option.”
And then he draws extremely still. “Is that menacing-looking man your father?” he whispers.
I turn to look at Marcus who is doing his signature brooding look as he walks over to us.
“Oh no, no, no. That’s Finn’s partner; my father’s not that scary,” Aria assures him.
I lift an eyebrow, confused about what they’re referring to. “Marcus isn’t scary. He’s not even mad at anyone right now. That’s just how his face looks,” I say. “Handsome. Gorgeous. Delightful.”
“Sweetheart… your brain is broken, he’s always scary,” Aria says as she turns me to face him as if I haven’t looked at the man enough to know exactly what he looks like.
I watch Marcus as he sexily struts over to us and scans Nick. “Huh,” he says. And that’s it.
Nick’s eyes get wide and his terror seems to escalate from that one simple word.
“What?” I ask curiously.
“Ah, I just forgot Brooks was out until Monday and dropped him an email when I should have sent it to Karsyn.”
“Oh. I thought you were commenting on the human,” I say.
“You’re human too,” Marcus reminds me.
“Nah… I’ve transcended beyond the status of human. I’m much superior.”
Marcus’s eyes narrow. “Are you picking on me again about my inability to properly greet humans?”
I can no longer hide my grin. “Perhaps.”
“Watch this.” Marcus holds his hand out. “Human, your hair is very red. It’s similar to the color of blood. I like it.”
Nick looks even more terrified, but he gives Marcus a forced smile and shakes his hand.
“Marcus is like a big fangy teddy bear,” I assure Nick, or at least I try to. He doesn’t look very assured.
We walk toward the house as Nick apparently questions every choice he’s ever made that led him to this point.
“Don’t worry, my dad’s not as weird as these two,” Aria promises.
My phone buzzes and I look down at a text from Orin.
Orin: Do The Hand, please.
Me: No! I don’t want to scare him off.
Orin: I’ll remove you from my will if you don’t do The Hand.
Marcus glances at me. “The Hand?” he questions.
“Don’t… don’t judge me, Marcus. Sometimes, you just have to do things you wish you didn’t have to do to make the people you love happy,” I say.
“Like sex?” he asks.
“Wait, what?”
He chuckles before kissing the side of my head. “I’m joking, clearly.”
Aria opens the door and pulls Nervous Nick inside. He’s sweating a little as Aria leads him into the dining room which is oddly dark. Like all the blinds are pulled, the lights are off, and the house is silent.
“Dad? What’s going on?” Aria asks as a light flickers on from the kitchen table, illuminating Orin’s face. He’s all in black, looking like a storybook vampire holding a fucking goblet of blood.
“Nick,” he says, and then he zooms over to us so quickly, I doubt Nick could follow him with his eyes, even though I could.
Nick leaps back as I press the release on my prosthesis and tuck my fake arm under my armpit.
“My arm!” I say very dryly as I hold what’s left of my arm up. I’m not an actor, and if Orin wants me to act like I’ve lost my arm, he needs to find someone else.
Poor actor or not, Nick must think I deserve an Oscar because he lets out a strangled sound and just drops to the ground.
We all stare down at him in horror as Orin’s eyes get extremely wide. “It was a joke! Aria was just talking about how nervous he was, and I thought I’d break the ice with a joke, you know?”
Marcus starts laughing. And we all know that if Marcus finds it hilarious, it should never have happened.
“There is something wrong with this family and I love it!” Marcus says as he smacks his leg. “You literally just made a human pass out from terror! I need to be taking notes.”
“Dad,” Aria growls.
“Was it too much?” Orin asks, like there’s a possibility any of us could say, “No, terrifying the human wasn’t too much.”
“Oh my god.” Marcus begins wiping away fake tears. “I had my doubts about this meal, and I see that they were all foolish.”
“I… I thought he’d laugh,” Orin says, clearly disappointed.
That makes me start laughing as Aria just gives us a look. Then she jabs a finger at Orin and Marcus. “You two leave, he’s starting to come to.”
“Do I get rid of the skeletons?” Orin asks as he flips the lights on and shows the Halloween plastic skeletons seated around the table.
“Oh my god. You’re a monster!” Aria says, but Marcus and I aren’t so sure because we’re laughing too hard to confirm or deny.
Orin assumes that means “Yes, you should” and takes off with the skeletons. Marcus hesitates before following him. So when Nick comes to a moment later, it’s just Aria and me.
Nick looks around in confusion before his face turns the same color as his hair.
Aria grabs his hands. “I am so sorry. My dad thought he was being funny, and he wasn’t.”
“It was kind of funny,” I helpfully add.
Aria gives me a look. “Do you want to go sit in time-out with the others?”
I shrug because honestly, it sounds more fun. “Sure.”
She ignores me. “I’m really sorry, and I would understand if you never want to see me again.”
He shakes his head. “No, I just… tripped. Your dad seems cool.”
She cocks her head. “Does he?” she asks, but I have to give the guy credit for still trying to push through it.
“Yes?”
Orin walks in, looking normal this time… or as normal as Orin can look in a pink suit jacket. “I’m sorry… that wasn’t a very good joke, was it?”
“I thought it was,” Marcus adds from the other room. I head over to find him. “I now know what The Hand means.”
“Yeah… it was something stupid we did with just the two of us when I was younger. I think it was his way of trying to get me to have fun and not look at my lack of an arm negatively. Orin was always doing his best to make me happy, especially after the accident,” I say as I walk over to the couch and sink into the cushions. “It was really stupid… but then we’d laugh and joke around about it, and it’d make me feel better.”
Marcus sits down next to me, so I lean against him.
We haven’t talked about the accident much lately. After the first big case we’d been on together, the vampire who’d attacked me when I was a teenager had sent us a note that told me he wasn’t done with me. When I was sixteen, he’d taken me, and he was the reason I’d lost my arm and leg. I still haven’t fully told Marcus everything about that time, but he met the man who’d taken me when he attacked Marcus in a club a little over half a year ago. After that, I’d received a letter from him and I knew that my time of freedom was finally up, that he’d come for me.
Yet things were strangely quiet. He stopped following me, and I stopped noticing his presence. As time moved on, the worrying and fear I felt every day began to pass. I knew I couldn’t let him take over my life. I knew the fear would drive me crazy if I let it hang on, so I forced myself to let go of it. I had to live my life to the fullest or the fear would eventually consume me.
I’ve heard nothing from him in six months. No notes. Nothing.
That doesn’t mean I live without fear of what could happen if he returns. But I try to push that fear away, ignore the nightmares that remind me of him, and fixate on the now. Thankfully, Marcus makes it easier to do that.
I squeeze onto Marcus who wraps an arm around me and holds me tightly.
“I’m sorry, are you alright?” he asks as if he can read my mind and knows what I was thinking about.
I give him a smile and kiss his cheek. “Of course. I have the world’s most handsome person next to me right now.”
His eyes narrow as he looks around. “You’re up to something. You want something. What do you want?”
I grab my chest. “Me? No.”
His eyes narrow even more. “You are the most suspicious person I’ve ever met in my life. Do you know how long my life has been?”
“No, because you haven’t told me. I’m very curious, though. Tell me.”
“Longer than yours.”
“Oh, tell me,” I say as I poke him in the side. “You’re such a dodger. When were you born? Thirty-two AD? A hundred and two BC? Come on, give me the goods.”
“How old do you think I am?”
I scrutinize him while knowing I’m being ridiculous. “You look old, you act old, you smell old. So… ten AD?”
“Yes, I am over two thousand years old.”
“I knew it. You smell like one of those old books from the library that no one ever checks out,” I lie. This is a huge lie because he smells good all the time. He never sweats or stinks, which irritates me.
“I was born around 1709.”
“Hmm… do you feel a bit kinky hitting on someone, oh… almost three hundred years younger than you? Maybe a bit like a pervert?”
“I’m not the pervert here. Everyone is extremely aware of that,” he says with a grin.
I stare at him as if I’m letting this information process. “Wait a minute… are you saying I’m the pervert? You… you flatter me.”
He snorts. “Only you would think that’s a compliment.”
I lean in and give him a quick kiss. “You’re just too sweet. So can I get a cat?”
“Wait, what? That’s what this is about?”
“Yes!”
“For me to eat?”
I jerk away as my eyes get huge. “You… no… you’re not even allowed to joke about that. Jokes about eating cats are strictly prohibited. What if someone heard you? Oh my god. You’re a monster.”
“I love that that’s what put you over the edge. Why would I care if you got a cat?” he asks.
I shrug. “Well, I wasn’t just going to come home with five cats.”
“Five. You said a cat. Now you want five?”
“Fine. One.”
“If Artemus eats it, it’s not my fault.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “He wouldn’t.”
“He might. All he’d have to do is just lay on it and there’d be no more kitty. Maybe you should get five in case. Then if I get hungry it won’t be too big of a deal.”
“Mr. FangyFace, why are you so evil?”
“It’s a requirement for dealing with you, honestly.”
I grunt, which is an extremely sexy noise. “I kind of like it,” I whisper.
He starts laughing. “Of course you do.”
“I suppose we should go terrify the human some more,” I say.
He smiles at me. “I like how you say ‘the human’ like you’re no longer a human.”
“Nah, I’ve progressed beyond human. I am Finn.”
“Ah… you’re a Finn. I get it now. Let’s go see if we can make him pee his pants,” Marcus jokes.
“I like the way you think,” I tease.
And so we head off to see what “the human” is up to and assure him that this big bad vampire isn’t too big and bad.
Besides in the bedroom.
But I don’t add that part. I feel like I should at least get to know him a little bit first.
Saturday Series Spotlight
Alice Winters started writing stories as soon as she was old enough to turn her ideas into written words. She loves writing a variety of things from romance and comedy to action. She also enjoys reading, horseback riding, and spending time with her pets.
EMAIL: alicewintersauthor@gmail.com
How to Vex a Vampire #1
How to Elude a Vampire #2
VRC: Vampire Related Crimes Series
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