Monday, December 20, 2021

Monday's Mysterious Mayhem: The Mystery of Nevermore by CS Poe



Summary:

Snow & Winter #1
It’s Christmas, and all antique dealer Sebastian Snow wants is for his business to make money and to save his floundering relationship with closeted CSU detective, Neil Millett. When Snow’s Antique Emporium is broken into and a heart is found under the floorboards, Sebastian can’t let the mystery rest.

He soon finds himself caught up in murder investigations that echo the macabre stories of Edgar Allan Poe. To make matters worse, Sebastian’s sleuthing is causing his relationship with Neil to crumble, while at the same time he’s falling hard for the lead detective on the case, Calvin Winter. Sebastian and Calvin must work together to unravel the mystery behind the killings, despite the mounting danger and sexual tension, before Sebastian becomes the next victim.

In the end, Sebastian only wants to get out of this mess alive and live happily ever after with Calvin.


Audiobook Review November 2020:
I'm not going to say "I forgot how great the beginning of this series was" because I didn't forget, how could I? Sebastian Snow & Calvin Winter are so brilliant. Like I said, I didn't forget but it was still exciting and fun to go back and revisit the beginning of their journey.  The fact that The Mystery of Nevermore is set at Christmastime is just icing on the cake . . . or better yet frosting on the Christmas cookieπŸ˜‰.  Now that I discovered the audiobook version with the amazing narration of Derrick McClain, I think it's safe to say this may actually become an annual holiday tradition.  With names like Snow & Winter, I can't think of a better or more fitting couple to help celebrate the season, even if their lives are filled with murder and mayhemπŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰.

Original Review September 2018:
When Sebastian Snow comes into his antique shop one morning he can smell something isn't right and when a heart is found under the floorboard, suddenly his life is changed.  When Calvin Winter and his partner are sent to Snow’s Antique Emporium to investigate a heart under the floorboard he never expected to find his life changed.  Will Snow and Winter find a connection beyond the murders straight out of Edgar Allan Poe and will they even survive?

I'm just going to jump out of the gate and say WOW!!!  How this series has slipped my reader radar I have no idea but now that I found it I am loving it!  I'll admit that Snow & Winter may not make my annual re-read list but I do know that I will pay them another visit down the roadπŸ˜‰ They may not be at the top of my Top 10 Crime-Fighting Duo list but they certainly made the list and to be completely honest the notches between numbers 4, 5, & 6 are so small I would never want to place a bet on something so minute.

Edgar Allan Poe has been the basis for many book mysteries and I have yet to read any that aren't uniquely done.  The books and stories the writers use may have been used before but there is so much room for interpretation with Poe's work that they are always originally done and CS Poe has put her own intriguing spin to it.  That's all I'm going to say towards the mystery side of The Mystery of Nevermore except I will add that I was guessing all the way to the reveal and that alone makes this a keeper as I am rarely surprised right up to the end anymore because I have been reading/watching mysteries for nearly all of my 44 years on this earth.

As for Snow and Winter themselves, well what's not to love?  Sebastian Snow is an antique dealer that has an unlikely(or not so unlikely in fictional settings) ability to find himself in the middle of trouble.  Who knew antiquing could be so dangerous? I love his respect for history and his determination to discover what's going on.  As for Calvin Winter, he may not be out of the closet yet but he knows that Seb is a special person even if he is a trouble magnate who doesn't exactly listen.  Together they have the potential be extraordinary.

RATING:



SOMETHING WAS rotten.

I didn’t mean in a figurative sense. I meant something smelled like it was decaying.

“Shit,” I muttered. I stood at the door of my antique shop, hand to my nose.

Tupperware. It had to be an old lunch.

It was a wintry, miserable Tuesday in New York City, two weeks’ shy of Christmas. The snow was coming down heavily at seven in the morning, blanketing the city and producing an eerie, muted effect. I had shown up early to my business, Snow’s Antique Emporium, in downtown Manhattan, with the intention of going through some newly acquired inventory. Instead, I was dripping melted snow onto the welcome mat and trying to pinpoint that god-awful stench.

I quickly hung up my jacket and hat and changed out of my boots into an old pair of worn loafers beside the door. I ran my fingers through my unruly hair and smoothed the front of my sweater while walking down the tiny, crowded aisles. I stopped to turn on old lamps as I followed the smell. The glow of the lights was subdued, creating a cavernous look for the shop.

At the counter that had an old brass register on it, I took the step up onto the elevated floor, scanning the shop. It smelled even worse here. I reached into my sweater pocket and replaced my sunglasses with black-framed reading glasses. Turning on the bank lamp, I winced and looked away from the light.

I stared at the door standing ajar to my right. It was a tiny little closet that served as an office, with a computer and chair and mini fridge all tucked away for my use.

Does forgotten Thai food smell like death after two days?

I walked in, opened the fridge, and hesitantly sniffed a few cartons. Okay, I needed to do some serious cleaning, but what seemed like a half-eaten burrito was not the source of the odor.

I walked back to the register, groaning loudly as I looked around. Something had to have died—a rat, perhaps? I cringed at the thought of finding a New York City rodent in my shop, but I crouched down and started shoving aside bags and boxes used at checkout while I looked.

The front door opened, the bell chiming overhead. “Good morn—what’s that smell?” my assistant, Max, called. “Sebastian?”

“Over here,” I grumbled.

Max Ridley was a sweet guy, a recent college grad with an art degree he realized rather too quickly wasn’t going to pay his rent. He was smart and knew his history. I’d hired him the same day he’d come in to fill out an application. Max was tall and broad-shouldered—a handsome young man who was maybe bisexual or maybe just out to experience it all. I’d heard enough stories over morning coffee, reading mail, and pricing antiques to know Max’s preference seemed to be mostly anyone.

Call me old-fashioned, but I’m a one-man sort of guy.

“God, the weather sucks today. Do you think it’ll be busy?” Max asked as he strolled through the shop.

“Usually is,” I said, looking up over the counter.

“What did you leave sitting out?”

“Nothing. I think a rat died or something.”

“Can I turn on more lights? It’ll be easier to find.”

“I already have a headache,” I said absently. I crouched back down to finish moving out the supplies from under the counter.

I was born with achromatopsia, which means I can’t see color. We have two types of light receptor cells in our eyes, cones and rods. Cones see color in bright light, rods see black and white in low light. My cones don’t work. At all. The world to me exists only in varying shades of gray, and I have a difficult time seeing in places with bright lights because the rods aren’t meant for daylight purposes. Usually I wear sunglasses or my special red-tinted contacts as an extra layer of protection….

“I forgot my contacts. And the snow was too bright.”

“Even for shades?”

“Yes. Damn, where is that smell coming from?” I asked while standing.

Max motioned to the register. “Smells the worst right here.”

“Yeah.” I walked back to the steps and promptly fell forward when the creaky floorboard underfoot skidded sideways.

Max lunged out and grabbed me before I could plant my face on the floor. He held me tight, my face smooshed against his armpit. “Did you have another fight with Neil last night?”

“Why?” I asked as I pulled myself free from his hold.

“You’ve got some bad mojo following you around this morning.”

“It wasn’t a fight. It was—you know, I’m not talking about it while the smell of rot continues to permeate my shop.” I turned back to the step and bent to examine the floorboard that had become free.

Bad idea. The stench of decay filled my nostrils, and I fought back the urge to gag.

“I think you found it,” Max muttered, looking down over my shoulder. “I’ll get a bag.”

I nodded silently, holding my nose while I looked into the opening under the floor. It—the thing—wasn’t dark, like a dead rat. It didn’t appear to have fur, but I’d be lying if I said I had great vision when it came to close-up details.

“Max? Come here.”

“What?” His voice came from the office before he joined me with a garbage bag. “What’s up?”

“Look in there.”

“Oh come on. You don’t pay me enough for that.”

“No, I mean, I don’t think that’s a rat.”

Max got down on one knee and glanced inside before quickly pulling back. “What the hell!”

I stared at the floor. “Tear up the planks! Here, here!—It is the beating of his hideous heart!”

“What is that?”

“Poe,” I replied.

“God, you’re so weird, Seb,” Max muttered.

“What else am I supposed to say?” I asked, pointing at the rotting flesh. “It’s a heart.”

“Who did you kill?”

“I’ll call the cops.”


HAVING TO explain to the dispatcher that I needed police not because of a dead body, but there was a body out there missing an essential part, was certainly the strangest thing I’d done in some time. I’ll admit the situation piqued my interest, but there are 101 things in life I simply don’t have the patience for, and finding someone else’s rotting heart in the floorboards of my shop just about topped the list.

Max sprayed nearly an entire can of air freshener while we waited after the phone call. “Smells like fresh laundry,” he stated while reading the can.

“Oh good,” I said.

“Laundry and death,” Max corrected after a pause. “Sometimes I want to die instead of dragging my dirty clothes to the Laundromat.”

“Max.” I sighed.

“Sorry.”

I crossed my arms, looking toward the back of the shop at the piles of boxes that had been left there. When new inventory arrived, it needed to be carefully inspected, priced, and arranged in the shop. If it was too priceless for the shop, it needed to be listed for auction, not sitting in a damn box on the floor. Those and several more were collecting dust in my apartment. So much for finally getting around to it all this morning.

There was a rap at the door, and I walked over to unlock it. “Good morning.”

“Sir,” one of the uniformed officers said. “We got a call—”

“There’s a body part in my floor,” I quickly answered, leading them through the aisles toward the register.

It was pretty clear they’d been sent to dispel whatever fear or confusion the dispatcher thought I was experiencing, yet they followed without complaint or comment. The first officer removed his cap as he bent down to the opening I pointed at. He only glanced inside before shaking his head and rising.

“Brigg,” he spoke to his partner, and the woman approached.

I watched them confer briefly before she got on her radio. “So,” I said, “do we need some hazmat team or something?”

“Can I get your name, sir?” the officer replied as he removed a notepad from his belt.

“Sebastian Snow.”

“And do you run this business?”

“Yes.”

“Own the building?”

“No. I wish.”

He looked up. “Approximately when did you suspect something was in the store?”

“You mean—that?” I asked while looking down at the floor. “When I opened the door this morning, I could smell it. It was about seven.”

“Does anyone else have access to the store?” The officer looked over my shoulder at Max.

“Max has keys, but only I and—only I have access to the security code,” I explained.

The truth was, my partner of four years, Neil Millett, also had keys and the code, but mentioning his name around cops was a bit tricky. He was a detective with the NYPD’s forensic investigations unit, and very much in the closet. So much so that the only people who knew we were living together were Max and my father. Neil didn’t want other officers knowing he was gay, and when I was twenty-nine with a heart all aflutter for a sexy detective, I didn’t mind. Now I was thirty-three, and it was wearing me out.

The officer wrote down a few notes. “Do you have cameras? You have a lot of expensive-looking items in here.”

“I have one, but it’s been on the fritz for the past month.” I had been suffering from a lack of mental stamina lately and just hadn’t found the energy to give a shit about a number of things, camera included.

It wasn’t like me. I knew that.

Neil made a point of bringing up my recent attitude. A lot. It only pissed me off more.

The officer continued taking down my contact information, then asked for Max’s as well. A few more basic questions followed, and then Brigg led two plain-clothed cops from the front door toward us. Glancing around the now congested aisle, I saw yet another woman entering, carrying some sort of medical kit.

The overhead lights, which I never used, were switched on without warning, and the entire room was washed out of sight. I hastily covered my eyes and turned away, stumbling and reaching around the countertop. Max went to the other corner to avoid the police and the heart, grabbed my sunglasses, and handed them over just as someone spoke my name.

“Mr.… Snow, is it?” a woman asked.

Turning as I put on my shades, I was confronted with the two new cops. The woman who spoke was maybe my age and couldn’t have been an inch over five feet, with a strong build and closely cropped hair. The other, a man, was tall and big and filled out his suit with nothing but muscle. He looked older than Neil, who was thirty-seven. His hair was light, so I guessed it was what I have been told is blond.

I squinted to better study him. He had freckles. A lot, actually. I kind of had a thing for guys with freckles. Cheeks, nose, forehead—he had freckles all over, and it gave him a sort of sweet look initially. Maybe his hair was red instead.

“Sebastian Snow,” I agreed.

The woman took the lead, extending her hand to shake. “I’m Detective Quinn Lancaster, and this is my partner, Detective Calvin Winter.”

“Uh, hi.”

Lancaster smiled. “How’s business been, Mr. Snow?”

“Fine,” I said, confused. It was strange to be looking down at such a short figure of authority, but she had an air of confidence I wasn’t willing to question.

“What can you tell me about your clientele?” Lancaster continued.

I shrugged while crossing my arms. “Regular folks, some with big money, some looking for curiosities. Corporate types, hipsters—I get a little of everyone in here.”

She nodded. “Would it be all right if you removed your sunglasses, sir?”

“I can’t.”

Lancaster looked up at Winter briefly before asking, “Why’s that?”

“I have a light sensitivity. If you turn the overheads off, I will,” I said while pointing up.

Winter turned away and gave an order to one of the uniformed officers. The lights died and the shop was once again illuminated by the strategically placed lamps.

“Better?” Lancaster asked, her tone not mocking or unkind.

I pulled the sunglasses back to rest on my head as I put my regular glasses back on. “Thank you,” I said briskly.

“That’s called photophobia, isn’t it?” she asked.

“I have achromatopsia.”

“I see.” She didn’t bother for more details. “Has anything out of the ordinary happened in the past few weeks?”

“Nope.”

Lancaster frowned. “Who found the body part?”

“I did, when I came in. I smelled something awful and started looking for it.”

“Have there been any break-ins or stolen items?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “What’s this about? I’m assuming something bigger is at play here, otherwise you two wouldn’t be grilling me.”

“Why do you say that?” Lancaster asked.

“I live with a cop” was what I wanted to say. Four years of stories from Neil had, admittedly, given me an unhealthy interest in whodunit mysteries.

Instead, I just shrugged.

Winter spoke for the first time. “Do you know Bond Antiques?”

“Yeah, on Bond Street and Lafayette,” I confirmed.

“How is your relationship with the owner?”

“I fail to see what that has to do with anything,” I responded. “Mike Rodriguez and I have known each other for a while.”

“How do you get along?” Winter asked.

“He’s competition,” I stated. “What’s going on?”

“Sebastian!” called a familiar voice.

Ignoring the towering mountain that was Detective Winter, I looked around him to see Neil walking through the shop, shaking snow from his coat. I was immediately both happy and frustrated to see him, which didn’t seem like the right response. I hadn’t called to tell him what happened, so there should have been no reason for his appearance.

I turned to the counter. Max raised his hands up defensively and shook his head.

“What’s going on?” Neil asked upon reaching us. He looked at the two other detectives and removed a badge from inside his coat. “Detective Millett, CSU.”

Lancaster didn’t seem interested. “Detective Lancaster, homicide,” she replied with a nod. “My partner, Winter. We haven’t requested forensics yet.”

“Homicide?” I echoed. I mean, sure, I guess technically a heart without a body could mean something more sinister was at work besides a medical cadaver showing up to class and some poor student flunking when he had no heart to dissect.

I looked at Neil. He seemed concerned and maybe nervous, and for a minute, I was happy because he was worried about me. The annoyance I had been harboring toward him all morning suddenly washed away, and I had the urge to reach out for a hug.

“Sebastian is—a friend,” Neil said.

“Friend,” Winter repeated in a tone I didn’t like.

“He called me.”

Goddamn it, Neil. He was so convinced he’d lose his shield for having a life outside his job, that after four years I was still just his friend in public.

“We’re in the middle of asking Mr. Snow some questions,” Winter said before looking back at me. I swear his gaze was intense enough to strip me down to bare bones. “Mr. Rodriguez’s business was broken into Sunday night.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I answered, turning away from Neil. “Was anything stolen?”

“The investigation is still underway. He pointed a finger at you, though.”

“M-Me?” I asked in surprise. “What—Mike thinks I broke in?”

“Why would he say that?” Winter asked.

“I have no idea,” I quickly answered.

“Where were you Sunday night?” Lancaster asked. “After eight.”

I could feel Neil’s desperation rippling off his body. I had been at home with him. I believe around eight we had been fucking, which had ended prematurely and dissolved into an argument until about nine. That’s where I had been.

“Home,” I said simply. “Look, I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer, if that’s what I need. I called because I found a human heart in my shop, and now you’re accusing me of robbing someone.”

Neil’s hand was on my elbow next, and he was excusing us while dragging me away. Stopping near the back of the shop, he let go and turned to tower over me. “What the hell is going on?” he whispered.

“What’s going on?” I repeated. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m a cop, Sebby—”

“Don’t call me that.”

“What human heart? Why didn’t you call me?”

I honestly hadn’t thought to ring Neil. Maybe a year or two earlier, the first reaction I’d have had would be to call my cop boyfriend to come solve this peculiar little problem. Now, he hadn’t even crossed my mind. It was disconcerting.

“Nice lie you told, by the way,” I said instead. “I called you? Why the hell did you come if it wasn’t to be here for me?”

“Stop it,” he ordered in a harsh whisper. “We’re not having this argument again.”

“Go back to work, Neil. Everything is fine,” I said stubbornly.

“You didn’t….” He hesitated.

“Tell them about you? No. I know the drill.”

Neil gritted his jaw. He looked angry. He turned back to the other detectives before saying, “Is that Calvin Winter?”

“What? Yeah, why?”

“Be careful what you say to him.”

“Why, Neil?” I repeated.

“Because I hear he’s a homophobe,” Neil said.

Without thinking I replied, “You’re a homophobe.”

Neil looked back at me with a strange expression I couldn’t place. “Real nice, Sebby,” he said after a moment.

I couldn’t take it back, but when I stared up at Neil, when all of our recent arguments over the past month came rushing back, I didn’t care and didn’t want to take it back.

“Go back to work,” I said again. “We’ll talk at home, behind locked doors.”

I was making him angry, and I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t know what had gotten into me lately. Neil and I had been at each other’s throats for weeks. I provoked him, or something he said got under my skin in ways it never did before.

Neil didn’t say another word. He turned while zipping up his coat and brushed by the other detectives in silence on his way out.

I took a breath. It was shaky. I was being cruel to the most important man in my life.

I pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose as Lancaster left the woman with the medical supplies and walked toward me with a smile.

“Good news, Mr. Snow.”

“Oh boy.”

“It’s not human.”

Who, Neil? “The heart?”

“It’s a pig’s heart,” she replied.

“A minor relief.” I took another breath, working harder than necessary to calm myself. “So can I open for business?”

She spread her hands. “There’s been no foul play, although it seems like someone wanted to pull a prank on you. I highly suggest you invest in some tighter security.”

No foul play. My gut said otherwise. Two detectives—from homicide, no less—had shown up right away, and I played twenty questions regarding the unfortunate pig and Mike Rodriguez, the latter of which I found extremely strange. Why would time be wasted to send out detectives for something that proved to be nothing? And it still didn’t explain how the pig heart ended up in my shop to begin with.

Lancaster thanked me for my time, to which I muttered some pleasantry. She turned to leave with the medical examiner.

Winter, however, approached me. “Your friend seemed upset.”

I frowned while looking up. I was on the shorter side, only five foot nine, and both Neil and Winter stood a good half a foot taller. Neil was a leaner build, like myself, which was a stark contrast to the brick body that was Detective Winter. He was close enough again that I could study his freckles—which to me actually looked like gray blemishes. They’d be clearer if I invaded his personal space or looked at his skin with a magnifying glass.

Neither of those do I recommend doing to someone you’ve just met.

In comparison, his light-colored eyes were so brilliant and sharp, it was almost unnerving. They reminded me of minerals on display at the Museum of Natural History. They were gorgeous, but also maybe just a little weary. They looked like they’d seen something that had hardened and tired him considerably.

Winter swallowed up the air around me. He was both intimidating and somewhat comforting to be in the presence of. He smelled nice too. Some kind of spice—really different from Neil’s cologne.

“I didn’t break into Mike’s shop,” I said again. For the record.

His gaze shifted slightly to the boxes behind me. “What’s all this?”

I looked over my shoulder, then back at him. “New inventory.”

“From where?”

“Bond Antiques,” I retorted. “Jesus. It’s from an estate sale.”

He reached into his suit coat next, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if he pulled his gun with the way I was shooting my mouth off. Instead, he handed me a business card. “Should you conveniently remember something.”

“Like slaughtering some pigs?” I shoved the card in my pocket.

“Have a good day, Mr. Snow.” He turned and walked out of the shop.

THE STORM seemed to have scared off the day’s foot traffic, which on any other afternoon would have worried me, being so close to the holidays when the sales are needed. But I couldn’t concentrate on anything business-related. My salad sat beside me at the register, half eaten and getting soggy as it settled into the pool of vinaigrette dressing. I held a magnifying glass to the mail as I read.

“Why not get bifocals?”

I looked up to see Max staring at me, pulling up the spare stool to sit. “What?”

“The magnifying glass is sort of silly. You pull them out of pockets like you’re an old-timey detective.”

“I tripped down the stairs wearing bifocals when I was younger,” I answered while setting the glass aside and stacking the junk and bills together. “Broke my arm.”

“Yikes.” Max reached out to push my salad around with the fork. If he planned on scalping my meal, the sogginess must have changed his mind. “So why was Neil here?”

“I don’t know.” I stood, brought the mail into the office, and dropped it on the desk.

The morning had been resting heavily on my mind. Usually I was closed on Mondays, but holiday demands often changed my schedule, so I had been open yesterday. When I closed the shop last night just after six, it gave someone a thirteen-hour window to break inside. Max and I had spent the remaining hours of the morning going through the Emporium, and from what we could tell, not a single item had been misplaced.

It was that concept that puzzled me the most. Why break into an antique shop, get past the security alarm, only to steal nothing?

So someone came in, put a decaying pig heart under the floorboards, and hightailed it without taking so much as an old button?

More upsetting was the matter with Mike Rodriguez. I had worked for Mike for a few years before going into business for myself. I respected his knowledge and the success of his shop—he’d been in this line of work for over twenty years now—but he was a cranky old fuck. He hadn’t liked me all that much when I worked for him, and I’m certain he felt slighted, to say the least, when I took everything I had learned to open the Emporium.

Mike specialized in higher-end antiques. Georgian and Victorian furniture, clothing, paintings, and other works of art. It wasn’t where my interests were, and the Emporium was cluttered and stuffed instead with books and old documents, maps, photos, and every little gizmo and gadget from another century. People enjoy the odd and bizarre, like Victorian glove stretchers or tear bottles. The Emporium was doing very well after only a few years of business, and I suspected Mike was insulted.

I walked back out of the office, leaned against the doorframe, and crossed my arms. Mike and I weren’t exactly on friendly terms these days—we certainly weren’t mailing each other Christmas cards—but how the hell had he come to the conclusion that I should be looked at as a possible suspect? Had he waited three years to seek revenge against me? And it wasn’t even revenge so much as insulting my integrity and character.

“Man, look at it coming down,” Max murmured as he stared out toward the front door, watching the storm continue.

“Jingle Bells” started to play on the shop’s speakers. Dashing through the snow, all right. The city was getting buried.

“Why don’t you get out of here early, Max.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. The subways are going to be a wreck, I bet,” I said while walking to the counter.

“Are you leaving?”

Honestly, I wanted to swing by Mike’s place and ask him what was going on, but it didn’t seem like the smartest idea. Maybe I’d give him a call. That was less threatening. As much of an asshole as he was for accusing me of doing something like breaking into his place of business, we had a long history and I did want to make sure he was okay.

“Probably.”

“I’ll walk out with you, then,” Max replied as he stood and started cashing out the register for me.

The shop phone rang, and I reached to take it off the receiver. “Snow’s Antique Emporium.”

“It’s me.”

Neil. I collected myself. “Hey.”

“Busy?”

“We’re closing up early. The weather’s getting bad, and Max has to take the subway to Brooklyn.”

“I’m ducking out,” he replied. “I’ll swing by for you.”

“I can walk home.”

Neil took an aggravated breath. “Sebby, please don’t argue with me just once this month, okay? Let me pick you up.”

Why was I getting angry at him for wanting to drive me home instead of making me walk in this nasty weather? “All right. Thanks.”

“Want me to grab anything for dinner?”

“I thought I’d cook,” I said offhandedly. I was getting sick of takeout. Neil couldn’t cook to save his life, so it was up to me if we wanted a homemade meal.

“That sounds great,” he replied happily. “I’ll be there in twenty, tops.” He hung up, and I put the phone down.

“Neil’s coming to pick me up,” I said to Max. “I’ll finish closing. Why don’t you get out while you can.”

Max laughed and finished his counting. “Thanks, Seb.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow if the weather looks like we may have trouble opening.”

“I’ll plan to come in unless I hear otherwise.” He was out the door within moments, disappearing into the storm.

I locked the front door and collected my belongings. I packed my laptop into my messenger bag. On the off-chance we stayed closed, I could at least start cataloging the inventory I had at home. Of course, I’d been telling myself that for two weeks and never seemed to have the energy for it.

By the time I’d shut off the lights, secured the shop, and changed into my winter attire, Neil’s black BMW was parked out front.

The car had been another source of aggravation between us. I don’t have a license because of the amount of work those with achromatopsia have to go through in order to be permitted to drive. It isn’t worth the headache when I live in a city with such incredible public transportation. That being said, I had agreed to buy a car with Neil and pay for it together so we could vacation out of New York every once in a while.

Neil has expensive taste. He wouldn’t settle on anything less than a new luxury coupe. I didn’t understand the point—we’d save so much money with a decent used car. That argument had ended with me saying that I’d refuse to help with the payments, to which he had stubbornly agreed and told me to fuck myself. Out of childish spite, I had tried to refuse every ride offered thus far.

The car was warm when I opened the door and sat in the passenger’s seat. The windshield wipers worked hard to keep the heavy, sticky snow off the glass. Neil was listening to some Christmas tunes and looking like his cool, sexy self. I had to admit he looked good behind the wheel of this car.

He smiled. “Ready?”

“Yup.”

Neil pulled back onto the road, taking it slow down the streets already buried in snow and brown slush. “You may get snowed in tomorrow if this keeps up like the weather predictions claim.”

“Will you have to go in?” I asked.

“Public servants don’t get snow days. Warm enough?”

I muttered a response and fell silent. We lived in a cramped, too-small-for-two Manhattan apartment not far from my store. It wouldn’t usually take so long to reach, but the road was completely buried, and cars ahead were already slipping and sliding. Neil wasn’t taking chances by driving fast.

I looked at his profile, seeing the same handsome face I’d known for years. He told me he had brown eyes and sandy brown hair, comparing it to coffee with too much cream in it. Whatever the color, he had always been attractive to me, and he aged wonderfully. I saw the man I had fallen in love with, staring at him.

Why had we been fighting so much?

My good old dad said it was because I was losing my mind being shoved back into the closet for the sake of Neil’s paranoia. I had denied it for years, that it would eventually make me nuts, but lately it seemed like Pop had been on to something. I had been out since college, and I was proud of who I was. Neil had been my first serious relationship, and it had thrown me for a spin to learn he wasn’t out.

It still threw me.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

“For what?”

“For giving you attitude this morning.” I stared at my hands. “Why did you come to the Emporium?”

He sighed. “I was in the right place to overhear detectives being dispatched to the address. I thought something was wrong—something happened to you.”

“Thanks for being worried.” I snorted and shook my head. “That sounds weird.”

“I get what you mean.” He removed one hand briefly from the steering wheel to pat my thigh.

NEIL DROPPED me off on our street and went to find a place to park. I let myself into the building, hiking the three floors of old, rickety stairs to our one-bedroom apartment. The pipes were clanking loudly as the water heaters were turning on. I hung up my coat and hat and put my boots in the closet. I dropped my bag on the foot of our bed before turning on a few lamps around the apartment.

I know Neil didn’t like living in such a dark home, but he was polite and dealt with it without a word of complaint so I didn’t need to wear sunglasses inside. I had tried to keep my condition a secret from him for a long time. It got really hard when he’d ask something like “Could you grab my navy blue button-down for me?” or “Pass the green salsa?” while eating Mexican. It ended up coming out when he found my collapsed walking stick in my bag one evening while searching for a condom.

I laughed quietly to myself, opening the fridge in the kitchen. That had killed the mood. I thought then and there he’d break up with me. Both boyfriends I had had before left me because of my condition. It wasn’t life-threatening, but it was a burden, I guess. Neil had stayed with me, though, and that mattered.

I heard Neil at the door, removing his coat and shoes while I was chopping onions and peppers in the kitchen. I tossed the diced veggies into a pot to let them cook while I opened two cans of tomato sauce.

“Spaghetti?” Neil called, the smell familiar.

“We need to go shopping,” I answered. “Not many other options.”

He stepped around me and opened the fridge. “Want a beer?”

“Sure.”

He popped the tops off two bottles, set one on the counter beside me, and leaned back against the opposite side. “So tell me what happened this morning.”

I recited the story again for what felt like the hundredth time while I doctored up the sauce with salt, pepper, Tabasco, and whatever spices I could find deep in the cupboard. “But it wasn’t human. It was a pig heart.”

“What did the detectives say?”

I shrugged. “Lancaster told me to open for business and get better security.”

“And that Winter fellow?”

I looked over my shoulder. “Why don’t you like him?”

“I told you why.”

“He let the questioning about Mike drop and left.” I had turned back to stir the sauce, but paused and looked at Neil. “You haven’t heard anything about that, have you? Mike’s break-in?”

Neil shook his head before taking a swig of beer. “Someone else’s case, not mine.”

“Why do you think Mike would accuse me of breaking into his store?”

“Because he’s a prick.”

“Yeah, but—”

“But nothing,” Neil interrupted. “He’s always had it out for you, Seb.”

Taking a drink of beer, I considered my next comment. “I was thinking about giving him a call tonight.”

Neil stared at me as if I’d grown a second head. “You’re not stupid, are you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Sebby, stay the hell out of it. Let the police investigate what happened to Mike, and don’t be an idiot and harass him.”

“Who said anything about harassment? I was just going to see if he’s all right.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Neil replied. “The police don’t need to see you’ve been contacting him after he pointed his finger at you in the first place, okay?”

Neil had a valid point, of course, and who would know better what a cop would think than another cop?

Taking a drink and giving dinner my full attention, I zoned back in when I heard him saying my name.

“Seb, promise you won’t stick your nose where it’s not supposed to be.”

“Why do you think I will?”

That question made Neil laugh. “Because you like the thrill. The two hundred mystery novels on the bookcase in the living room say so.”

“I don’t have two hundred,” I said defensively. But so what? I liked a good brainteaser.

“Seb,” he said again, more sternly.

“I won’t,” I insisted, getting annoyed. “I get it.” Before Neil could say another word, I said, “How the heart ended up in the shop has yet to be explained.”

“Hmm?”

“How’d a pig’s heart get under the floorboards, Neil?” I asked while turning. “I didn’t put it there, and I was the one to close up last night. I didn’t forget to lock the gate or set the alarm.”

“It was probably a prank,” he said simply, shrugging.

“A prank?” I echoed. “By who?”

“I don’t know. Kids—teenagers. Someone sick in the head. Come on. You’ve been busy as hell at the Emporium. You and Max can’t keep an eye on everything all the time.”

Again, what Neil said could have very easily been true. Minus today, we had been slammed since before Thanksgiving. There was always a handful of customers roaming about at one time, inventory coming in, items going out for auction—I couldn’t always watch everything.

“But what’s the point?”

“What’s the point of a hotdog-eating contest?” Neil countered with a laugh. “People do stupid things sometimes, Seb.”

“I guess. It’s a little dramatic, though. ‘The Tell-Tale Heart.’”

“The what?”

“Poe,” I said. “It is the beating of his hideous heart!”

“Oh, yeah, I think I remember reading that in school,” Neil replied thoughtfully.

“An old man with a blind eye is murdered and cut up. The murderer thinks he hears the heart under the floorboards where he put the body,” I explained. “He goes mad with guilt while the police are there looking into a possible disturbance.”

“Well, damn.”

“Good thing I’m only legally blind,” I said sarcastically.

NEIL AND I watched some police procedural drama while we ate, which really was just Neil complaining for forty-five minutes that the forensics team was handling the scene incorrectly, and no one got DNA results back that quickly. Disgruntled, he ended up channel-surfing before finding Home Alone and settling on that.

“I always wanted to do this,” he said as we sat in the dark, sipping wine later in the evening.

“Be Macaulay Culkin?”

“Catch bad guys,” Neil replied.

“You do,” I pointed out. “Just with big-boy toys. You’re a little too old for tar on the stairs and BB guns.”

Neil wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and I got comfortable in his embrace. It was nice to be enjoying the evening together and not fighting about stupid shit. Neil must have been thinking the same thing, because he leaned close and kissed the top of my head.

“Hey,” he murmured.

“Hey, what?” I responded, looking up. Believe it or not, my vision was considerably better in the dark. Neil’s finer details were easier for me to see here.

“Why don’t we hightail it out of here?”

“To where?” I laughed.

“The next room over.” Neil leaned forward, setting our glasses on the coffee table before getting to his feet.

I stood, taking Neil’s offered hand, and let him lead me into our cramped bedroom.

He stopped to put my bag against the wall and shut the door.

“Afraid someone will see?”

He paused before turning to look at me. “To keep the cold air out, Seb,” he corrected in that voice I’d come to learn as the Sebastian, you’re being irrational tone. I did not like it, because he used that tone on me whenever a discussion of his sexuality reared its ugly head.

Neil reached out, grabbed my waist and the back of my head, and kissed me hard. He tasted a little sweet and a little bitter, which about summed up our relationship. He had lost his suit coat and tie since arriving home, but I quickly helped with the remaining shirt and trousers. Neil was busy tossing aside my slacks and sweater when he laughed against my mouth.

“What?”

“You dress like a grandpa,” he whispered.

“I like that sweater.”

“It’s older than you.”

“I’m not trying to win a fashion contest.”

Clothes shopping was stressful for me. Department stores were so bright, and there was apparently a concept of clashing colors. My idea of adding new options to my wardrobe was heading out to secondhand shops with Pop, letting him grab a dozen items in dark colors he says won’t hurt anyone’s eyes if I mix and match, then we’re out in ten minutes.

“We’ll get you a nicer sweater,” Neil said, kissing my neck.

“I like that one,” I replied.

“It’s from Goodwill.”

“So? I don’t need some three hundred dollar Ralph Lauren sweater when that one does a fine job of keeping me warm,” I said defensively.

“Are you done, Sebby?” Neil asked, pulling back to stare at me. “Do you really want to argue right now?”

I didn’t, of course not. I was sick of fighting, tired of every conversation ending in one of us getting frustrated with the other. Staring at Neil in the near dark, a familiar and awful thought came to mind again.

I wasn’t what he really wanted.

It was stupid shit like the sweater. What did it matter if I wore something a little frumpy? He wanted to have me wear something chic and fashionable, like the damn car.

“Seb?”

I shook my head, wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed Neil, trying to get back into the mood.

When was the moment our relationship turned?

He pushed me down onto the bed, kissing and sucking down my chest and stomach.

When we moved in together, maybe.

I was turned onto my belly, and the snap of a bottle preceded a warm, oily finger pressing into me.

When had I grown so defensive? So bitter and resentful toward my partner?

Neil’s hands were on my hips, raising me up before he pushed in roughly.

I gritted my teeth as he started thrusting.

I didn’t like who I had become.





Author Bio:
C.S. Poe is a Lambda Literary and two-time EPIC award finalist, and a FAPA award-winning author of gay mystery, romance, and speculative fiction.

She resides in New York City, but has also called Key West and Ibaraki, Japan, home in the past. She has an affinity for all things cute and colorful and a major weakness for toys. C.S. is an avid fan of coffee, reading, and cats. She’s rescued two cats—Milo and Kasper do their best to distract her from work on a daily basis.

C.S. is an alumna of the School of Visual Arts.

Her debut novel, The Mystery of Nevermore, was published 2016.


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Southernmost Murder

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Week at a Glance: 12/13/21 - 12/19/21





















Sunday's Short Stack: Christmas Kisses by EJ Russell



Summary:

Three of E.J. Russell’s short and sweet opposites-attract holiday rom-coms together in one collection!

The Probability of Mistletoe
An awkward geek on a mission, a determined extrovert with a plan, interfering female relatives of various sizes, and a statistically improbable amount of mistletoe.

An Everyday Hero
A fish-out-of-water geek (who still manages to get a bit soggy), a stand-up blue-collar guy (who can’t see his own worth), unexpected additions to the holiday festivities (some less welcome than others), and more than one serious discussion about the true meaning of the word hero.

A Swants Soiree
Crafting catastrophes, suggestive sweaters, and an awkward introvert who meets his extroverted match.



The Probability of Mistletoe
When software engineer Keith Trainor decides to start his own company, he knows exactly who he wants as his partner: Parker Mulvaney, his best friend from high school. But in the ten years since graduation, their contact has dwindled to nothing, and it’s all Keith’s fault. If he hadn’t tried to kiss Parker under the mistletoe at the winter formal their senior year, Parker wouldn’t have bolted. At their ten-year reunion, Keith intends to do everything in his geeky power to make amends.

Parker should have known that scheduling the reunion the day before Christmas Eve was a recipe for a headache of monster proportions. But when Keith sends a text that he’ll be attending, the evening doesn’t look so bleak. Can an unnecessary makeover, a nostalgic breakfast, an abortive shopping trip, and dance invitations with only a 50 percent success rate culminate in a long-overdue first kiss?

The Probability of Mistletoe is a short and sweet opposites-attract, friends-to-lovers, second-chance rom-com featuring an awkward geek on a mission, a determined extrovert with a plan, interfering female relatives of various sizes, and a statistically improbable amount of mistletoe.

(This re-release of The Probability of Mistletoe contains no material changes from the former edition.)


An Everyday Hero
A different kind of home invasion…

When Adam Tyler’s sister announced she was pregnant, Adam decided to move from Portland, Oregon, to Phoenix, Arizona, to fully embrace the uncle experience. However, he didn’t count on the move being delayed until three days before Christmas—and three days before his sister’s due date. And he definitely didn’t count on finding a scorpion in his bedroom. Cue the panicked calls to exterminators.

A different kind of knight to the rescue…

Garrett Strong doesn’t consider himself at all remarkable—his ex certainly didn’t think so—and Garrett’s pest-control business is circling the drain. Although Adam is his first new client in months, that isn’t the only reason Garrett goes above and beyond for him. He feels a real connection to the younger man and intends to do everything in his power to make sure Adam feels safe and welcome in Phoenix—venomous intruders notwithstanding.

An Everyday Hero is a short and sweet opposites-attract, age-gap rom-com featuring a fish-out-of-water geek (who still manages to get a bit soggy), a stand-up blue-collar guy (who can’t see his own worth), unexpected additions to the holiday festivities (some less welcome than others), and more than one serious discussion about the true meaning of the word hero.


A Swants Soiree
Why is “fun” always so freaking painful?

Software engineer Brent Levine has always struggled with the life part of work-life balance, but to hold on to his new job, he’ll have to embrace his employer’s dreaded “staff enrichment” events. This year’s annual ugly holiday sweater party will strain his ambition to remain inconspicuous: everyone has to wear their sweaters upside down and converted into pants—aka “swants.”

At six foot eight, Brent has a hard enough time finding clothes that fit him the right way up. And while he’s an ace at coding, when it comes to handcrafts, he’s definitely at the far left end of the bell curve. Luckily he encounters seriously cute theater costumer Jonathan at the Goodwill Outlet. Jonathan offers Brent both an acceptably ugly sweater and his expertise in swants conversion. Attraction sparks on Brent’s side, but how can Jonathan be interested in a nerdy geek like him?

A Swants Soiree is a short and sweet opposites-attract rom-com featuring crafting catastrophes, suggestive sweaters, and an awkward introvert who meets his extroverted match.



The Probability of Mistletoe
Chapter One
When Parker Mulvaney’s email alert pinged at the same time his instant message notification squawked and his cell phone blared “Ride of the Valkyries,” he let his head fall forward onto his kitchen table with a thunk. Whose brilliant idea was it to have the ten-year high school reunion two days before Christmas? 

Um… that would be me. 

It seemed like a good idea at the time—classmates who’d moved away after graduation would be more likely to be in town to visit families who remained, plus a lot of people liked to take time off at the holidays. 

Me again. 

Except his boss didn’t understand the concept of “time off”—at least for Parker—any better this year than in the last five. 

Sure enough, when Parker answered his phone, his boss barked, “We’ve got a situation.” 

Not “Hello.” Not “Happy holidays.” Not “Sorry to bother you.” Straight to the point, that was Frank. Once upon a time, Parker appreciated that directness. Now? Not so much. 

He didn’t bother to raise his head off the table. “Frank, I’m on vacation. You know what that means, right? It means I’m not working.” 

“Yeah, yeah. But this is important. Crucial. Make-or-break.” 

I’ll tell you what’s about to break…. “Seriously? We’ve got no new campaigns launching this week, and Krista is totally capable of handling the ongoing plans.” 

“Grayson Harris himself called me from the event venue demanding to know why you aren’t on-site to manage things.” 

“Did you tell him I’m on vacation?” 

“Of course not. He’s our biggest client. He wants you on deck.” 

“We can’t always get what we want.”

Silence on the line except for a staccato tapping. Frank’s pen. Parker counted down, imagining Frank’s teeth grinding in counterpoint. Three… two… one. “Harris Electronics is our most important account.” 

“And Mr. Harris won’t go into withdrawal if he can’t talk to me three times a day for the next two weeks. This event isn’t external-facing marketing anyway, for pity’s sake. It’s their office holiday party. The ‘event venue’ is their own freaking building. The caterers are competent to set up and break down, and by the third drink, nobody—including Mr. Harris—will notice if the conference room is on fire, let alone if I’m any closer to the buffet table than Tierra del Fuego.” 

“Parker—” 

“Frank.” Parker matched his boss’s exasperated tone. “Trust me. I’ve babysat the last four of those parties, and there was no reason whatsoever for me to be at any of them. They’ll be fine. So will you. And so will your agency.” 

Frank grumbled, but at least he hung up, thank goodness. Parker heaved a sigh and dropped his cell phone into his lap, head still resting on the edge of the table. He poked at the screen to bring up the email. 

As he expected, it was from the reunion committee chair, who always pushed every major decision onto Parker—which didn’t bother him nearly as much as the number of emoticons she added to her messages. 

“There should be a law,” he muttered. “No more than one smiley, three hearts, and two winkies in a single email.” Furthermore the quota should be reduced by 10 percent for each exclamation point and 50 percent for every LOL. He responded—politely—thanking every available deity the reunion would be over tonight. 

Too bad I can’t say the same about my job. 

Before he pulled up the message app, he bet himself a new pair of Chuck Taylor high-tops the message was either from Krista, complaining about Frank, or one of his sisters, freaking out about their family’s annual Christmas Eve bash. 

He opened the app—and bolted upright in his chair. Keith Trainor? So what if he lost the bet because holy cripes. Keith. 

KT: Hey, Parker. You’ll be at the reunion tonight, right? 

His thumbs were trembling so that Parker fumbled his first two attempts at a response. He’d never imagined Keith would be back in town for the holidays. He had no family in the Portland area anymore, and as far as Parker knew, Keith was firmly ensconced in a high-tech throne in some Silicon Valley software company—and they were lucky to have him. 

PM: Absolutely! 
KT: Good. 

Parker waited for another message, another word—heck, anything. From Keith he’d accept giant flocks of emojis rampant on a veritable field of exclamation points, but Keith’s online indicator went gray. Dang it. 

Keith. Wow. They were unlikely friends in high school—Keith, the introverted geek barricaded behind banks of computer equipment, and Parker, the extroverted social butterfly with his fingers in every student activity pie. But in the first month of freshman year, Keith helped Parker with a computer assignment, and when Parker got a peek under that shaggy dark hair at the warm brown eyes behind unfashionable glasses, their differences didn’t seem to matter so much. When they discovered they shared the same sense of humor, taste in movies, and social values, the best-friend deal was sealed. 

Parker had a lot of friends then, and he had a lot of friends now—but none of them were ever as special as Keith. Yet they’d grown so far apart in the last decade that Parker couldn’t remember the last time they’d exchanged so much as a Facebook like. Sure, they lived in different states and had since college, but this was the age of instant digital communication, for goodness’ sake. How could they have lost touch so completely? Why had they lost touch?

Oh. Right. Mistletoe. Parker groaned and slid down until his butt was on the edge of the chair. Stupid, lousy mistletoe. 

Their senior year, Parker was on the committee for the winter formal—because of course he was. He was on the committee for everything. When the original DJ fell through, he asked his dad to step in at the last minute. He knew it would be a tad awkward having his father as a sort of quasi-chaperone at the dance, but he didn’t realize exactly how awkward things could get. 

Because under the twinkle lights and mistletoe boughs next to the punch bowl, in full view of the stage, Keith had squared his shoulders as if he were about to ride into virtual battle and leaned in for a kiss. 

And Parker bailed. 

Not only because his dad was staring at him right that second. I did it—or rather didn’t do it—with the best intentions. Parker had been trying to overcome his impulsiveness. He’d finally learned making short-term choices that limited his long-term opportunities was a really, really, really bad idea. If he’d kissed Keith—and God, he wanted to, had wanted to for years—it could mean limiting them both in ways that were totally unacceptable. Because Parker knew Keith—knew him better than Keith knew himself—and once they crossed the line from friend to boyfriend, Keith would be steadfast and loyal and focused on Parker to the exclusion of his own best interests. 

So Parker dodged the kiss and scampered off to chat up some other random guy—God, now that he thought about it, it was Todd Bolton, of all people. But he glanced back once and saw the slump of Keith’s shoulders, the way he shoved his hands in his pockets and trudged out of the room, his gaze fixed on the floor. 

Their friendship wasn’t the same afterward, which was exactly what Parker had been trying to avoid. But when Keith announced he’d been accepted at Stanford with nearly a full ride—which he totally deserved—Parker felt vindicated. If he’d given in to the temptation of that kiss, Keith probably would have turned it down to stay in Oregon since Parker was heading to UO. 

Is that why their friendship had faded in the ten years since graduation? Because Keith still held Parker’s reaction to that almost-kiss against him? 

Well, no matter. Tonight he’d see Keith again and, dang it, he wouldn’t waste the opportunity.



An Everyday Hero
Chapter One
“Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God-oh-God.” 

Adam squealed. He could admit it. He absolutely, positively squealed because there was a freaking scorpion in his new house. 

He raced across the room and out the sliding door onto the patio, kicked off his flip-flops, and waded into the pool. 

Scorpions couldn’t swim, right? He stumbled a bit but caught himself before he fell, rescuing his cell phone from a watery, chlorinated grave. 

Okay. Now what? 

He blinked in the bright sun. Oh. Sunglasses. He pulled them off the top of his head and jammed them on his face, wiggling his toes, so dark against the pale aqua pool bottom. Maybe I should become semiaquatic. However, spending the rest of his life underwater would seriously cut into his social life, such as it was, not to mention being really bad for his business. Computers were notoriously intolerant when it came to full-body immersion. 

So instead, he googled exterminators, only to discover that Phoenix had a veritable shit-ton of them. I should have checked that before I moved. Anyplace with that many exterminators—especially ones that specialized in scorpions and, OMG, rattlesnake removal? I can’t even…. 

At least back in Oregon, all he’d had to deal with was moss and the occasional opossum or raccoon. And last he checked, moss wouldn’t sneak into your shoes and kill you. 

Adam picked the first company in the list. “Hello, there’s a scorpion. In my house. I need to—” 

“Yes, sir, we can schedule a technician for a week from Thursday.” 

“A week from Thursday? The beast is in my bedroom this very instant.”

“It’s Christmas week, sir. We can’t—” 

“Never mind. I’ll try somewhere else.” 

But it was the same story with the next six companies. Nobody could come out and rescue him right now, and even though it was pushing eighty degrees, his toes were starting to prune up standing in the pool. Besides, Christmas was mere days away, for pity’s sake, and he hadn’t strung a single light or hung a single mistletoe bough. That’s because the movers have been delayed. Again. So I don’t have a single light or mistletoe bough. 

He’d known in his gut that moving the week before Christmas was a lousy idea. He should have waited until the holiday frenzy died down in January. But his new niece was about to make her first grand entrance, and Adam wanted to fully embrace the uncle experience. That’s why he’d decided to move here when Candace told him she was pregnant. 

But then he’d landed a big web design project and delayed putting his condo on the market, and then the first sale had fallen through, and then the second sale had fallen through, and when he’d finally gotten the thing off his hands, the buyers had wanted a long escrow, and God. He’d been damn lucky to find a house that was vacant in Candace and Luis’s subdivision. 

Vacant except for a freaking scorpion. 

“One more time. Please, Mr. Exterminator, save me.” Adam closed his eyes and stabbed the screen with one finger. He peered down at the random choice: Strong Pest Control. “Strong. Strong is good. I need strong. So let’s hope the company lives up to its name.” He repeated the number several times to memorize it, then keyed it in, since the listing didn’t even have a live link. Their web developer should be shot. 

After five rings, he was about to hang up, but then the call finally connected and a deep, rather breathless voice said, “Strong Pest Control. This is Garrett. How can I help you?” 

“There’s a scorpion. In my house.” 

“Is this the first one you’ve seen?”

Adam’s belly clenched in horror. “You mean there might be more?” 

Garrett chuckled, a warm burr that would have tickled Adam’s interest if it weren’t for the freaking scorpion. “Could be. When was your last service?” 

“Never. I mean, I just moved in. I only got the keys today, but the house has been vacant for several months.” 

“Hmmm. Chances are, the previous owners didn’t keep up with treatments. It’s kinda necessary around here. This is the desert, you know.” 

Adam glared at the golf course beyond his chain-link fence, green and rolling and a total, complete liar. “Is there any possible way you could come over right now and save me—I mean, treat the infestation? I know it’s close to the holiday and all but—” 

“Sure. Give me your address.” 

Adam held the phone away from his ear and stared at it. Seriously? Seven no-time-until-a-week-from-never and then sure-give-me-your-address? He narrowed his eyes. What’s wrong with this guy? 

“Just like that? Three days before Christmas?” 

“I have to pick up work where I can. The exterminator business is a little slow.” 

“That didn’t seem to be the case with the other seven companies I called, none of whom could fit me in.” 

“Let me rephrase. My exterminator business is a little slow.” 

Adam’s business consultant mental alarms clanged. Danger! Danger! Why is this guy slow and everybody else is slammed? “Um… I don’t suppose you have a website?” 

“No website. I’m not really a computer guy. But I’ve got an ad in the Yellow Pages.” 

Yellow Pages? WTF? How old was this guy? Sixty-three? His business wasn’t just slow—it was probably comatose. And there’s probably a good reason for it. 

Adam took a breath to say thanks, but no thanks, when he glanced at the house. Oh my God, I left the door open! His resident scorpion could be inviting all his frat brothers over for a kegger right freaking now. 

“Never mind.” Adam gave Garrett the address. “How soon can you be here?” 

“You’re over in Ahwatukee and I’m in Tempe, so it’ll take me about half an hour at this time of day. Although the last-minute shoppers might tie up traffic a bit. But within the hour for sure.” 

An hour. He could handle an hour. Couldn’t he? “Sounds perfect.” 

“See you then.” 

As soon as Garrett hung up, Adam thought of sixteen other questions he should have asked. Can scorpions jump? Will they charge if you get too close? What’s the land speed of the average scorpion? How long do I have to get to the ER after an attack? 

Jeez, why hadn’t he done more research before this move? He could have been prepared with the appropriate protective gear, instead of dancing around in shorts and flip-flops because the temperature difference between here and Oregon was so great. 

Just keep remembering the reason you’re here. His sister. His brother-in-law. His niece. Adam had the ultrasound pictures Candace had sent him already stuck to the refrigerator with Santa magnets. Family. That’s why he was here. Surely he could face the local fauna with fortitude if it meant being on the spot from the first minute he officially became an uncle. 

At the moment, though, his fortitude was seriously lacking. He heaved a sigh and looked around his backyard. It wasn’t that big, and most of it was taken up by the patio and the pool with its concrete surround. But there was some natural landscaping against the fence between his house and the golf course. The lower part of the fence had some kind of ugly green mesh. Well, that has to go. The succulents looked more or less harmless, but the spines on the rotund cactus were longer than his fingers. Jeez, even the plants are out to get me.

But as Garrett had pointed out, this was the desert. He couldn’t expect the more or less benign foliage of Oregon. 

This is home now. Not Portland. Get used to it. 

After Candace had landed that great job here in Phoenix, Adam had thought he’d be okay staying behind in Oregon. Arizona wasn’t that far away. But since their mom had passed, Candace was his only family. He missed her. Even though he had lots of Portland friends—but no boyfriend, not since the Christopher debacle—they didn’t make up for his sister, who’d been there for him his whole life. She was his best friend. And now she was about to sprout a new member of the family. Adam was damned if he’d be an absent uncle. 

So he didn’t regret moving. Mostly. If only she’d warned me about the wildlife. 

He checked the time on his phone. Only twenty minutes? Jeez, he was going to be completely waterlogged by the time the Luddite exterminator arrived. So he still had plenty of time to call his sister. Yes, he loved her. Yes, she was his best friend. But she could have fricking warned him! 

“Call Candace.” He started to shiver as the call connected. Standing in the water, even on a day that would qualify as borderline hot back in Portland, wasn’t doing much for his core temperature. That’s what happens when you have no extra body fat—and not many muscles either. 

The call went to voicemail, damn it. He waited for the beep and then—pow. 

“I cannot believe you didn’t warn me about the possible scorpion infestations, Candace. How can you reconcile bringing my niece into a house with deadly predators? I mean, scorpions? They’re only one step away from velociraptors. What if she sees one and mistakes it for a toy? Or worse, food? And yes, yes, I know it will be some time before she’ll do anything but eat, poop, and cry, but there’s such a thing as preparation! As safety! As parental responsibility! If you think that I—” 

Beep.

Dang it. Just when he was building up a good head of rant steam. On the other hand, he didn’t want to alienate his sister when he’d gone through the trouble of uprooting himself and moving to the Hellmouth just to be with her. 

His shivering had kicked up a notch, even though the sun was almost directly overhead. He crept over and climbed to the top step. This is stupid. You’ll have to get out of the pool to let the Luddite in anyway. 

He bent down and peered at the concrete around the pool and hot tub. He didn’t see anything moving. Are scorpions related to chameleons? Maybe they’re cunning, like their velociraptor ancestors. Maybe they hunt in packs. 

He could look it up on his phone, but he was afraid of what he’d learn. 

When he heard the distant chime of his doorbell, a weird mix of relief and trepidation washed through him. Rescue was at hand! But first he had to make the trip through Mordor to open the door. 

You can do this. He placed one foot on the pool ledge, holding on to the handrail in case he had to leap back again. When nothing swarmed him, he stepped all the way out and stared down at his wet legs. Great. I don’t have a towel. 

The bell rang again. He padded across the patio, peering at the ground to make sure he didn’t discover new intruders with the soles of his feet, and slid into his flip-flops. A third doorbell chime goosed him into the House of Horrors, because what if the Luddite left before vanquishing the demon hordes? 

You can walk through the great room. The venomous intruder is in the bedroom. Where Adam was supposed to sleep as soon as the movers delivered his bed. Oh God. Thank goodness his suitcase was over at Candace and Luis’s place. He was staying in their guest room until his house was habitable. Will it ever be? For that matter, could their house be infested too? 

Since it would be rude to web surf in front of the man who was here to rescue him from certain death, Adam ditched his phone on the breakfast bar on his way past. He raced across the room, his flip-flops thwapping on the tile floor of the foyer. Bracing his hands on the front door, he steadied his breathing and prepared himself to face the Luddite. Don’t stare at the inevitable beer belly and jowls. You’ll look like that someday too, even if you’re a ringer for a beanpole right now. 

He smoothed the front of his blue button-down, donned his best smile, and opened the door. 

And nearly butt-planted from shock. 

No beer belly there. Or jowls. Oh no, that right there would be freaking square-jawed perfection. The man on his doorstep was a good two inches taller than Adam, who topped six-one, and probably twice as broad through the shoulders. Not the hips, though, be still my heart. Ruddy cheeks, blue eyes, close-cropped light brown hair that might be slightly receding, but that was the only flaw Adam could detect. 

“Adam Tyler?” Mr. Square Jaw grinned, and Adam’s knees might have wobbled. “Garrett Strong.” 

More like Garrett the Strong, craggy, seasoned warrior. Really, all he needed was a kilt to be Adam’s dream man come to life. 

“Yes. Um…. Please come in.” 

Garrett held a clipboard—an honest-to-God clipboard, which made Adam’s eye twitch—and had a squarish padded bag slung over one shoulder. “From our phone call, it sounded like you were most concerned about the interior. You want to show me where you found the specimen?” 

Specimen. That made it sound more like a urine sample than a potentially deadly predator. Maybe that was Garrett’s way of talking his clients off the ledge. His professional bedside manner. I wouldn’t mind having him at my bedside. Or closer. 

Adam gave his libido a stern down, boy. Besides, he didn’t have a bed yet. And thank goodness for that. Otherwise the scorpions might be in it right now, lounging around while they watched Jurassic Park on Netflix.

“It was in the master bedroom. Through here.” Adam led the way from the foyer and across the great room, although he couldn’t make himself enter the master suite. “In there. By the door to the patio.” 

Garrett glanced at him, a decided twinkle in his blue eyes. “It might be best if you stay back.” 

“No problem.” I’ll just stand here and hyperventilate. 

But as Garrett passed by and Adam got a good look at his ass in those very nicely fitting chinos? He couldn’t resist creeping down the short hallway and peeking in the bedroom door. Because Garrett might bend over and Adam didn’t want to miss that. 

There had to be some bright spot in this whole fiasco.



A Swants Soiree
Chapter One
“Ba-dum.” 

Beyond the glass wall of Brent Levine’s office, the corner of a cell phone rose above the edge of his privacy panel. 

“Ba-dum. Ba-dum ba-dum. Ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum. Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.” 

Brent sighed and finished typing a line of code. “Okay, land shark. What have you got?” 

His one and only work friend, Riki Chan, peered around the panel, grinned at him, then zipped over to the doorway. “I found my ugly holiday sweater, and it’s awesome.” She waggled her phone at him, and he obediently took it to check out her selfie. 

“Uh…. Jeez, Riki, that is the most appalling thing I’ve ever seen.” He peered closer. “I get the reindeer and the menorah. But what’s the cake for? And the burning ring of fire?” 

“That’s a king cake, of course. For Three Kings’ Day. And that’s not a burning ring of fire. It’s a candle wreath, for St. Lucia’s Day.” 

“The apple humping the butternut squash?” 

“Kwanzaa.” 

“And is whatever’s being dumped out of the goblet supposed to douse that flaming log?” 

She poked him in the elbow, which, given his ridiculous height and her petite frame, was as high as she could reach. “That’s a bonfire and libations. For the solstice.” She pointed at a bowl of what looked like earthworms. “Udon for Ōmisoka, a wren for St. Stephen’s Day, and of course, the Festivus pole.” 

Brent raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?” 

“Hey, it’s an inclusive holiday sweater. Something for every denomination.” She leaned against his sit-to-stand desk, which hit her in the middle of her shoulder blades. “What’s yours like?” 

Brent’s gaze shifted to the three code windows spread across his dual monitors. He was on track to meet his deliverable deadline this afternoon, but it had been a tough problem to solve. “I’ve been a little busy. I haven’t had time to—” 

“Brent. The party’s on Monday. People snap up the best sweaters starting on Black Friday, so if you haven’t gotten one by now—” 

He patted the air in a calm-down gesture. “I’ve got one. Don’t have a cow.” 

She snickered. “‘Have a cow?’ You really are old-school, Grandpa.” 

“Shut up.” At thirty-seven, Brent was the oldest employee at HubPilot. Hell, the CEO was only twenty-four. He’d started the company when he was nineteen, for God’s sake. Way to make a guy feel like an ancient failure. 

“Uh-huh. So come on. How ugly is it?” 

He gave her a sidelong glance. “Well, it’s red.” 

Since patience was not one of Riki’s failings, she waited approximately six point two nanoseconds before jabbing his elbow again. “And?” 

“Um… it has a V-neck?” 

She stared at him, her face perfectly blank. “You were going to wear a plain red sweater to the ugly sweater party?” 

“I figure ‘ugly’ is relative, right? I never wear red, so it counts.” 

“No, it doesn’t.” 

“Maybe it’s the atheist’s holiday sweater.” He handed back her cell phone. “Yours represents a bunch of other traditions. Where’s the respect for people who don’t have any traditions at all?” 

She pursed her lips, one eye squinted. “That’s not why you picked it. You’re just afraid of looking weird.” 

Can’t argue with that. Brent could never be completely unobtrusive—at six foot eight, that ship had sailed when he reached his full height at sixteen. For some reason, his being ridiculously tall tended to bring out the belligerent posturing in some people, even when his inches were paired with a beaky nose and a physique that rivaled the average flagpole. So he’d made a career out of being otherwise as nondescript as possible. 

Keep it bland, do your job superlatively, but fly under the radar. That had led to others—his ex, for one—taking credit for Brent’s work for years. He’d used the split with Christopher as an excuse to leave his old company and landed at HubPilot within two weeks. 

He still wasn’t entirely sure why they’d hired him. 

“It’s highly improbable that my participation or lack of it will ruin the party for everybody else.” 

Riki propped her hands on her nonexistent hips. “That’s not the point. You’re an awesome coder, but you hold yourself apart.” 

“We work together, Riki. We’re not married to each other. A little distance is a good thing.” Brent wouldn’t have gotten so trashed with Christopher if he’d kept that maxim in mind. 

“Not at HubPilot. Don’t you think it’s a tad ironic that one of the lead coders on a product that’s supposed to promote engagement won’t participate in any of the job-enrichment events?” 

“I hardly think—” 

“Nope. You don’t. But you’d better start. People have already noticed how resistant you are to our corporate culture, and that won’t look good during your next performance review.” She tugged him away from his desk. “So come on. It’s time for the party theme announcement.” 

“What’s to announce?” he groused, although he let her pull him through the floor’s common space to the staircase leading to the lower floor. “Wear an ugly sweater. Drink eggnog. The end.” When the HR director had told him about HubPilot’s commitment to staff enrichment, citing the regular celebrations that occurred to coincide with virtually every national or cultural holiday, he’d nearly turned the job down. He just wasn’t a party kind of guy. 

“You haven’t been here long enough to know,” Riki said, dodging one of the work-lounge pods that dotted the commons, “but there’s always a twist.” 

As they walked down the stairs amid a leaping shoal of other employees, Brent felt every minute of his age. He wasn’t exactly old enough to be anyone’s father—well, other than the two whiz-kid interns who showed up for three-hour shifts twice a week after their middle school classes, for Chrissake—but he was at least a decade removed from most of his coworkers. 

“A twist. Wonderful.” 

They emerged from the stairwell into the flexible meeting area that encompassed the whole floor. All its moveable walls were pushed aside to create one big room, with a temporary stage backed by a giant white screen at the far end. Madison, the HR director and total corporate cheerleader, was already onstage, adjusting the microphone pinned to her collar. A dozen cardboard boxes were stacked next to the stage. Madison lifted the flaps on the top one and peeked inside, her Julia Roberts–sized smile breaking over her face. 

“Oh God,” Brent muttered. “She’s gonna say the f-word, isn’t she?” 

Riki frowned, puzzled. “What are you talking about? The strongest language Madison ever spouts is ‘Holy guacamole’—and then she apologizes.” 

“Not that f-word. The other one.” Brent shuddered. “Fun.” 

“Stop being so… so thirty-seven. If you’d only—” 

“Hello, everybody!” Madison said, her hands clasped under her chin. “And welcome to our holiday party theme announcement!” 

Everybody—except Brent, of course—hooted and cheered. 

“Can you believe it’s our fifth annual party? I can’t! And thanks to you, HubPilot is the fastest-growing social engagement and collaboration tool in the market. You should all be proud of our accomplishments!” 

This time, Brent joined in the applause, although he couldn’t bring himself to cheer—that just invited attention. But he truly was proud of the company’s mission and product excellence, grateful yet again that he’d found a place here. 

Madison turned to one of the interns. “Ashley, would you join me, please?” 

As the impossibly young intern stepped out from behind the screen and mounted the stage, Madison clicked on a slide that displayed the front and back of a long-sleeved black T-shirt, identical to the one Ashley was wearing. The front had the HubPilot logo on its breast pocket, and the back listed the company’s major milestones by year, with an appropriate icon for each one. “Ashley is modeling this, our five-year-anniversary T-shirt, designed by our own graphics guru, Riki Chan. Riki?”

Riki lifted both hands in the air as everyone cheered again. 

Brent leaned down to murmur, “It’s a great design, Rik. Fabulous job.” 

She grinned at him. “I know. I’m awesome.” 

“In these boxes,” Madison continued, “we’ve got a T-shirt for each of you, which you’ll wear to our holiday party on Monday.” 

Relief washed through Brent. Thank God. No ugly sweaters. And if we’re all wearing the same thing, I won’t stand out as much. 

Everybody else groaned, though, and someone shouted, “But I’ve already got my sweater! It was bound to win this year.” 

Brent looked down at Riki. “Win?” 

“There are prizes,” she whispered. “We call ’em the Uglies.” 

Dodged that bullet too, thank goodness. 

Madison made settle-down motions with both hands. “Don’t worry, people. I would never cancel our favorite holiday tradition. Everyone can still wear their most ridiculous, out-there holiday sweater. But in a twist—and you knew one was coming, right?” She grinned, then clicked over to a new slide. “You’ll be wearing your sweater sleeves on your legs instead of your arms, because this year, our holiday bash is our first ever Ugly Swants Soiree!” 

“The what?” Brent muttered. The slide showed a group of people—some standing upright, some doing handstands, some squatting in pliΓ©s—all of them wearing ski sweaters on top and extremely peculiar knitted pants on their legs. 

“Fun, right?” Madison beamed at the crowd as Riki poked Brent with her elbow, mouthing f-word. “When our CEO saw a performance by a local dance company featuring swants as costume pieces, he pointed it out to me because he said it reminded him of us. That our success is likewise built on thinking outside of the box. So get out your needle and thread, and sharpen those scissors. You’ll find instructions in your inbox on how to convert your ugly holiday sweater into swants! After our in-office party on Monday afternoon, we’ll all walk over to Small Plates for dinner, so we’ll display HubPilot pride to the Pearl District, just as we always do.” 

Brent’s belly clenched as the crowd headed back upstairs, chattering excitedly. “You mean, we not only have to wear something less dignified than a toddler onesie to work, but we have to go out in public?” 

“Chill, Brent. Everyone else’ll be wearing them too, so it’s not like you’ll stand out.” 

“Do I need to remind you that I always stand out, whether I want to or not?” Few people in the company—or anywhere for that matter—came up much higher than Brent’s chin. He glanced back at the screen, which still displayed the dancers in their swants. And I thought eighties leg warmers were unfortunate. “I don’t suppose you can buy those in a store.” 

Riki gave him the stink eye. “What do you think?” 

“Oh God.” 

“Madison said she emailed instructions to everybody. I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out.”

“Yeah? I’m a coder, not a tailor. Can I beg for a special dispensation? Claim handicraft-impairment?” 

“No. It’s time you really joined the company, Brent, so suck it up and make your swants.” She gave him another narrow-eyed glare. “Although you’d better score a truly ugly sweater, or… or….” 

“Or what?” 

She stuck her snub nose in the air. “You don’t want to know. But remember—I’m responsible for the company’s social media branding, and my powers can be used for evil as well as good.” 

“Fabulous,” Brent muttered as she marched back to the glass-walled studio she shared with the rest of the graphics team. Why is “fun” always so freaking painful? 

Brent had been hired just before Halloween, and he’d endured the traditional holiday sock exchange. His Secret Great Pumpkin had given him orange socks dotted with bats and featuring drooling purple zombies. That would have been bad enough, but the damn things had a chip embedded in them that played the same ten seconds of “Monster Mash” every time Brent moved his feet. He’d given his assigned Secret Great Pumpkin pal, Miri from Accounting, some black knee socks with a tasteful narrow pumpkin-pie-colored scroll border. He’d thought anyone would be glad of something a bit more dignified, but Miri had looked oddly disappointed. 

Thanksgiving had been easy to navigate—just an office potluck on the afternoon before the two-day holiday. Brent had left early. He’d heard from Riki the following Monday that he’d bailed before the traditional group sing-along and dance-off to “Turkey Lurkey Time.” He counted that a narrow escape, but everyone acted as if he was to be pitied for missing out. Now that he knew Riki better, however, he didn’t doubt her ruthlessness if she decided his sweater didn’t meet her ugliness standards. He glanced at the clock. He’d been in early all week to finish this module. Once he checked it in, he’d be ready for the code review on Monday morning. Since HubPilot embraced flexible work schedules, work-life balance, and results rather than timecard minutia, he could justify leaving an hour or so early on a Friday afternoon. 

Besides, Riki was right. As a HubPilot development lead, he needed to fully engage—with his team, with his coworkers, with the company. 

So he shut down his workstation, grabbed his jacket, and headed downstairs to the sidewalk. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he studied the storefronts along Twelfth Avenue. He doubted that he’d find what he needed in the trendy Pearl District shops, so he walked toward downtown. 

But two hours later, having exhausted every store between City Hall and Pioneer Courthouse Square, he was getting desperate. When a store did have a holiday-themed sweater, it didn’t approach his size—being six foot eight with most of his height in his legs was a disadvantage for last-minute shopping at the best of times. Which these definitely aren’t. 

He finally found something on a bargain rack at Target—but it was a Halloween sweater. He shot a desperate text to Riki: 

Halloween is a holiday. Does this count? 

She didn’t bother to respond with words, but her emoji explosion was quite explicit. 

He sighed. At least he had tomorrow and Sunday to scour the outlying towns. He caught a MAX train and headed home, reconciling himself to losing the entire weekend to searching for a dog-ugly sweater. 

Then he remembered—finding the sweater was only the first step. Then he had to convert it into something approximating pants. 

I’m doomed.


Author Bio:
Multi-Rainbow Award winner E.J. Russell—grace, mother of three, recovering actor—holds a BA and an MFA in theater, so naturally she’s spent the last three decades as a financial manager, database designer, and business intelligence consultant (as one does). She’s recently abandoned data wrangling, however, and spends her days wrestling words.

E.J. is married to Curmudgeonly Husband, a man who cares even less about sports than she does. Luckily, CH loves to cook, or all three of their children (Lovely Daughter and Darling Sons A and B) would have survived on nothing but Cheerios, beef jerky, and satsuma mandarins (the extent of E.J.’s culinary skill set).

E.J. lives in rural Oregon, enjoys visits from her wonderful adult children, and indulges in good books, red wine, and the occasional hyperbole.


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