Music is the only form of communication Connor Owens controls. No matter how badly he wishes to fit in, friendly banter and casual conversations have never been his thing. College is yet another social universe he has no clue how to navigate—until he meets Jared, a football player with chestnut eyes and a cocky grin that holds the power to shatter his self-imposed prison.
Jared's attention opens Connor up to a new realm of emotional and physical intimacy. But as Connor's self-confidence grows, so does his fear that everything will fall apart. Because in this socially stratified world, how long can a relationship between an introverted violinist and a closeted football player really last?
Chapter One
Connor Owens stepped onto the newly waxed floor, and a rare moment of calm settled over him. The sweet scents of resins and polish, the gently curving stage, the warm weight of his violin in his hands—all of it comforting and familiar in the midst of a tumultuous few weeks.
He tightened his bow and fished out his rosin, smiling at the simple pleasure he took in making long, even strokes to coat the horsehairs thoroughly.
This, he knew. This felt right.
In a college life full of unknowns, orchestra would be his sanctuary. He could already feel it as the hum of tuning instruments filled the air, as the winds broke into arpeggios, as the rustle of sheet music on stands alerted him to the new piece they’d be playing: Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scheherazade.
He was itching to play it. He wouldn’t have the solo, of course, but the entire piece was lovely, and really at that moment it didn’t matter what he played so long as he could play, surrounded by the myriad of sounds from all the other instruments. This was the kind of group in which he could belong without having to try so hard it literally made his head hurt. This came naturally.
“Hi!” A female voice greeted him, and he followed a peasant skirt up to the face of a tall, willowy girl with hair that hung to her waist. “I’m Rebecca.” She gathered the dirty-blond wisps behind her head and tied them into a low ponytail as she sat next to him. “Looks like I’m your stand partner. You must be Connor.”
He nodded, extending his hand for her to shake and battling a blush when her grip was much firmer than his.
“You’re a first year, right?” she continued.
“Yeah.”
“Must be pretty good, then, to be up here in the first violins already. It took me two years to fight my way up here.”
He shrugged. Praise never sat well with him, no matter how many times his mother chastised him for not politely accepting compliments.
“Well, when we have sectional practice, don’t let Vidar intimidate you. He’s a bitter, bitter, Scandinavian man. I bet he thinks he’s too good to be hired staff for a college orchestra, but I would guess that he’s not, or else he’d have found another job.”
Connor let out a low chuckle with a nervous glance to where the man in question sat five stands away, running scales with a pinched expression on his face.
Rebecca followed his eyes. “You see what I mean, right? You can totally tell he’s got a stick up his ass.”
This time Connor laughed openly, and when Rebecca joined in it gave him an instant shot of elation. Maybe music could be more than just the solace he was looking for. Maybe it would give him the chance to form a new friendship as well. It shouldn’t be so hard—even for him—to build upon the connection between stand partners, on the way they learned to play as one, moving and bowing in complete synchronization.
“We can practice together, if you like.” Rebecca tightened her bow. “You know, try our best not to incur his wrath.”
Connor opened his mouth slowly. “Oh…um…”
Tap-tap-tap from a baton interrupted, and a hush fell over the assembled crowd. The conductor raised his arms, and as if an invisible string tied his tiny stick to every instrument, all rose in unison.
Rebecca smiled at Connor one more time, and he returned it. Maybe Rebecca, older—and wiser, no doubt—could become his liaison into the world of college…provided he could beat back his shyness long enough to give her a chance.
It was a good thing she was a girl.
******
He headed back to his room in a better mood than usual, letting Scheherazade’s melodies play through his head. If he kept up the tempo, he’d have time to make it through the first movement and at least part of the second by the time he reached his building. Hereford was a lot further out than the regular first-year dorms, but the newer construction meant air conditioning, something his mother had uncompromisingly demanded for her asthmatic son.
Just as well. He wouldn’t have fit in at the first-year dorms, anyway.
Of course, there really wasn’t a practical way to avoid passing by those hubs of social interaction. He averted his eyes from the gaggles of students lounging about the quad, laughing and sharing food, gossip, and in quite a few cases, saliva. Scheherazade picked up speed with his footsteps. With any luck, he’d look like someone who needed to be somewhere in a hurry, and not like an outcast who simply didn’t know how to belong.
As he neared Alderman Road, a blue and orange Frisbee with the familiar block “V” for Virginia landed by his feet.
“Hey!” An olive-skinned boy waved at him. “Toss it here, will ya?”
Connor picked up the Frisbee and turned it over in his palm. He contemplated throwing it, but by now a group had formed around the boy, and he had no desire to make a public display of his weak throwing arm.
He crossed the distance between them and offered the disc with an outstretched hand. “Um, here you go.”
From the gathered crowd, a familiar-looking face with a popped-collar polo shirt stepped forward. “Hey, you went to my high school. You’re that violin player, right?”
Connor blinked rapidly. Had someone popular actually recognized him? But then he returned to his senses and felt the strap of his violin against his shoulder. It didn’t exactly take a brilliant deduction to pin him as that violin player.
He nodded. “Uh, yeah. Connor.”
“Tim,” the former classmate said, though that was unnecessary because Connor already knew his name. He was good about affixing names with faces, even if hardly anyone ever did the same for him. “Hey, you wanna join us?”
Connor forced a smile. He didn’t, really, but there probably wasn’t another way to go about making friends. “Um, maybe I’ll just…watch.”
Tim and his friend exchanged bemused glances. “Sure. Okay.”
Connor sat down on a patch of grass by a small cherry-blossom tree, and a few other onlookers planted themselves beside him. A girl with tight blue shorts announcing their school across her bottom—UVA—turned to him with a friendly smile.
“So, you play the violin. What’s that like?”
“It’s…it’s fun, I guess.”
“Cool.” The girl nodded, and continued to stare at Connor until his pulse raced. His turn to speak. He tried to open his mouth and force more words out, but nothing happened.
Tim jogged over and tagged someone sitting by the sidelines. “You’re in man, gonna take a break.” Then he grabbed the UVA-bottomed girl and yanked her into a kiss.
“Get a room!” someone shouted.
“Maybe we will!” Tim shouted back, and he and the girl took off. Connor watched them go with a knot growing in his stomach, because with Tim went his very tentative connection to the group currently surrounding him.
“Hey, I’m gonna go grab a snack at the Treehouse,” another unknown person announced, and suddenly the entire mass of people began to rise and shift away.
“Yeah, sounds good.”
“Me too.”
“I’m gonna head in, catch you guys later.”
Connor said nothing, and within a few seconds he found himself alone. For all his efforts, he’d wound up making friends with a tree.
******
His door clicked into place and he leaned heavily against it, letting the worst of the anxiety drain from his body. He was safe now; the world and all its strange rituals of socialization were locked away on the other side of the wall.
Here it was only him—his books, his music stand, his metronome, his bed…and the barren mattress across the room.
Life would have it he didn’t even have that friendship-of-convenience to fall back on, because his college roommate had dropped out without notice. And despite all the meet-and-greets and the unmistakable air of camaraderie during orientation, he still hadn’t been able to make any great strides in socializing. How could he, when the cliques he had so detested in high school had made their way to college after all? Maybe they weren’t as overt, but they were still there. The pretty girls still held fast to each other, the jocks still slapped each other’s backs and guffawed loudly at inappropriate jokes, and the misfits had redoubled their efforts to find a way to fit in. Worse, many of them seemed to be succeeding where he clearly was not.
As was usually the case, a hundred options for what he could have said to keep the conversation with the friendly girl alive flooded his mind. Do you play an instrument? Have you ever wanted to learn one? What kind of music do you listen to?
But those thoughts were never available when he needed them.
With a sigh, he grabbed one of the textbooks off his desk. Might as well throw himself into acquiring knowledge instead.
******
“All right.” Rebecca flexed her fingers and twisted around in her chair, stretching her long back. “I think we’ve covered everything Vidar’s gonna bug us about in sectionals. When’s your next class?”
Connor gathered his bag from the corner of the tiny practice room. The closet-like space felt far too sterile for music, but at least Rebecca’s presence brought life to the otherwise stale air.
“Uh, I have my Theory and History of Anthropology class in New Cabell at two…I should probably go finish the reading for it. I didn’t get a chance to last night.”
Rebecca raised one of her pale eyebrows at him. They were so fair, in fact, that if he didn’t look closely he might have missed them against her light skin. “You do know that no one does all of the reading for their classes, right?”
“Yeah, I know. But I took a summer course with this professor before I started school here, and she seemed to really like me. I kinda don’t want her to have a reason to change her impression…” Connor trailed off. Of course he just had to sound like the giant geek he actually was.
Rebecca laughed, though she was good about not mocking him with her laughter.
“A summer course before you were in college? Wow, slow down! You’re supposed to slack off a little, while you still can. Pretty soon you’ll have to think about real-life things, like finding a job.” She groaned and tossed a rust-colored knit scarf around her neck with a dramatic flourish. “Anyways, let’s enjoy the freedom we have left, okay? You have an hour—let’s go grab lunch at Newcomb. A bunch of my friends eat there around this time.”
Connor rearranged his bag at his hip so he could slide his violin across his other shoulder, buying himself time to consider his response. This was exactly the kind of opportunity he’d been looking for, but it still took an extra burst of effort to put aside his nearly automatic desire for solitude.
“Okay. Sounds good.”
Newcomb meant noise. Shouts, laughter, rattling trays and clanking silverware. Too many people, too much movement. And plenty of chances for Connor to make a fool of himself. He scanned the crowded tables, some filled with students grabbing a quick bite, others whose occupants were enjoying a more leisurely paced meal. The clusters reminded him of the groups that dominated the high school cafeteria, though lines were slightly blurred and labels not quite so easy to place.
Rebecca touched his shoulder lightly and led him to a table. A couple of blond girls already sat there with pretty smiles and tight tank tops, chatting with a brunette who seemed to share Rebecca’s bohemian taste in clothing. Two guys with longish hair and oversized t-shirts joined them as Rebecca and Connor walked up.
“Hey guys,” Rebecca called out cheerfully. “This is Connor, my new stand partner. Do us a favor and watch our violins while we grab some food?”
“Oh.” Connor instinctively wrapped his arm around his instrument. “Uh, that’s okay, I’ll hold onto it.”
Rebecca waved off his protest. “I swear to God, you can trust these guys. They’d die protecting my baby, so they’ll do the same for yours. Isn’t that right?”
One of the t-shirted guys at the table rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Becca.”
Connor flushed, anxiety crawling along his skin. It wasn’t as if his violin was a Stradivarius, but he’d grown accustomed to never letting it out of his sight. Over the past four years it had become like a fifth limb—the substitute for the best friend he’d never found. The thought of having to develop that level of intimate knowledge with some other instrument made his heart skip several beats.
But this was college, after all, and he was supposed to be going with the flow. He drew in a deep breath through his nostrils and dropped the strap from his shoulder. “Thanks.”
A quick scan of the day's offerings led him to the line for chicken parmesan. Rebecca chose the salad station, and her long blond ponytail swung its way back to their table before he'd even received a plate. Restless, Connor drummed his fingers against a plastic tray and considered jumping ship. Maybe a simpler meal, like a bowl of cereal, was in order.
Someone bumped into him as the line started moving again. “Sorry,” a voice above him said.
He shifted his gaze to the speaker and quickly looked away after a brief nod. Though he’d never gotten a name, he recalled the face from his anthropology class. Black curly hair, full lips, warm chestnut eyes.
In his peripheral vision, he caught the guy stretching and was momentarily lost in the lean but sharply defined muscles along his tall frame. Was he an athlete? Either that, or he just took really good care of his body. Prone to people-watching, Connor kept his eyes lowered but intensely focused.
“Son?” A warm plate of chicken parmesan, the oil bubbling away from the melted cheese, shook in front of his face.
He mumbled an, “Oh, sorry,” even if no one with human ears could’ve heard it. Dish in hand, he stepped away from his classmate, who continued to stare ahead without a second glance in his direction.
It was for the best. If the guy had tried to talk to him, he was pretty sure he’d have turned into a stammering idiot. That was just how things went for him.
When he reached Rebecca’s table, the two preppy girls had left, and he now clearly stood out from the group as the only one wearing an undeniably new button-up shirt and crisp khakis. He probably needed to start shopping at a local thrift store, so he’d blend in a little better with his crowd.
If this was to be his crowd.
He made certain his shirt was at least untucked and set his tray down, foolishly pleased to see his violin right where he’d left it, its gray case looking slightly dirty alongside Rebecca’s earthy brown one.
“So, a fresh soul ripe for the picking.” The brunette across from him leaned forward, dragging the sleeves of her coarse knit tunic across the table.
Blushing, Connor took his seat. By the time he realized he should have said something in response, it was too late, and he floundered with his fork while opting for a shrug.
“Connor’s already in the first violin section. I bet if he wanted to, he could beat out the Scandinavian Devil in a few years,” Rebecca chimed in for him.
“You and your hatred of tall, thin, very white men. Methinks the lady doth protest too much,” responded the taller of the t-shirted males, running a thumb over his own pale cheek.
Rebecca rolled her eyes and the banter continued, right over Connor’s head. He chewed and swallowed methodically, nodding and smiling when he felt it appropriate, and silently wishing he were a more interesting person so he could quit being a shadow on the sidelines of his own life.
******
Laptops unfolded, instant-messaging windows flew open, and classmates began chatting all around Connor. They didn’t even stop when his anthropology professor began her lecture.
Connor didn’t join in. He never joined in. Instead, he opted for a plain spiral bound notebook where he furiously scribbled notes if things interested or confused him, and doodled in the margins when he already knew the material. Although today, he was allowing his thoughts to wander a little. Wander all the way to the side of the room, where he could observe one particular classmate from a safe distance.
It was actually pretty easy to stare, because the guy was looking up, as if he could see the sky through the ceiling tiles of the small room in New Cabell Hall. With practiced peripheral vision and the cover of bangs, Connor watched him lean against the window, where he always sat. A beam of sunlight hit his hair.
Dark brown…not black.
Connor’s visual target yawned and shifted down in his seat. His lids began to droop, his blinks became longer and more frequent, and then his eyes shut completely, showing no signs of opening any time soon. His lips parted as he slept.
Connor smiled to himself. Now he could really stare.
A slight snore and resulting giggles eventually startled the guy from his slumber. He looked around sheepishly and wiped his mouth clean of the tiny bit of spittle that had gathered in the corner.
“Connor, could you stay and talk with me for a minute?”
Turning abruptly, Connor faced his professor, embarrassed he’d been distracted enough to miss the last few minutes of class. But as the rest of the students filtered out she perched on the end of her desk, smiling warmly enough to quell any fear that he was about to be chewed out for his inattentiveness. After all, it wasn’t like he had fallen asleep.
“You’re doing really top notch work.” Professor Abrahms gestured to the written assignment on his desk, which bore an “A” as well as “excellent” in red ink across the top. “You have wonderful insights into the reading material, and your theories are quite well reasoned.”
Connor blinked. Should he thank her for her contribution as his teacher, or keep quiet to avoid sounding like a brown-noser?
He chose quiet. Or ended up with it by default, anyway.
“I wanted to ask you whether you have any interest in tutoring.”
“Oh…” He took several seconds to process her request. “Why, does someone need help?”
Professor Abrahms smiled again, but it seemed less than genuine this time. “The athletic department has asked me to recommend someone they can hire as a tutor. There are a few students on the football team who could use help in this course, and unfortunately the Anthropology 101 tutors are too swamped this semester to cover the specific reading material.”
He nodded slowly. He’d worked with little kids before, volunteering as a reading coach for elementary students during summer school. But he’d never considered working with someone his own age, mainly because he assumed his social ineptitudes would get in the way. And working with athletes, cool and confident and completely unlike him in every way, seemed like an even more disastrous idea.
“It’s ten dollars an hour, and for now they’re only looking for a commitment of about two hours a week, but if it works out they could hire you for other subjects as well.”
He couldn’t stop nodding, mostly because he was using the time to think of a polite way to suggest she find someone else.
“I usually don’t recommend first years, but in your case, you showed me such maturity in your work over the summer…I really think you could be of assistance.”
A sinking feeling in his stomach told him he was already stuck, and over his head at that, unless he wanted to prove to himself he really was a coward—and worse, disappoint Professor Abrahms. Would she hold it against him for the rest of the semester? He hated how much he cared what she—or anyone—thought of him, but the idea that her friendly eyes might one day hold him in contempt made his insides squirm.
Dazed, he nodded yet again. “Yeah, okay.”
Professor Abrahms beamed. “Great. I’ll call them and let them know you’re interested. They’d like you to start tomorrow, if possible. Here’s the contact info.”
He took the offered paper and mumbled his thanks, praying he hadn’t just made the worst mistake of his life.
******
For the first fifteen minutes of his maiden tutoring session, no one showed up. Connor sat in a small, barren room with a rectangular table and four burgundy-cushioned chairs. On one of the bare walls, a large clock worked away audibly.
He would have been perfectly content for the next forty-five minutes to have gone by the same way, since he was making decent progress on his assigned reading, but a quiet knock at the door meant that would not be the case.
Curly brown hair and chestnut eyes greeted him. “Hey, you’re the tutor? Cool, dude. I’m Jared.”
Jared. Finally, a name to the face.
Jared stuck out his hand. “Michael’s on his way in. Kinda had to drag his ass. He needs this class for his major, in case you’re wondering why you got hired. Though why anyone would major in anthro is beyond me.”
Connor was already shaking the offered hand by the time Jared flashed him a contrite look. “Sorry. Maybe you were planning on it?”
“Uh…” Connor’s doomed attempt to come up with a response was cut short by the arrival of another classmate, this one a little taller than Jared and much bulkier.
The new arrival—Michael—planted himself in a chair without a greeting. “All right, dude, let’s see if you can help me figure this shit out. Because right now, it all seems like a waste of my time.”
The blood drained from Connor’s face, but a furious blush quickly replaced the pallor when Jared smirked at him as if they shared some sort of inside joke.
Suddenly aware he hadn’t said a word since Jared and Michael had arrived, Connor sat down heavily and grabbed the book in front of him. He couldn’t think of any pleasantries to utter that wouldn’t sound completely useless, so he launched right into the text, where he felt safe, carefully explaining the main points from their assigned reading.
Every so often he tentatively made eye contact with his tutees, and was greeted with a bored expression from Michael and a tired one from Jared. He made sure to stop after each page to check if there was anything they didn’t understand or to see if they had any questions, and each time they both answered in the negative.
Of course, when he got to the end of the chapter and asked for either one to reiterate the main ideas, he received blank stares.
Michael finally shook his head. “I gotta be honest with you, man. I don’t know why I picked this major. I think it’s ’cause everyone was saying it was easy, and it wouldn’t be too much extra stress on me since our schedule is so rough. But this shit ain’t easy. I mean, not if you’re really trying to learn it. I guess I could just coast on through and buy papers off people and shit, but what’s the point of even getting a degree then?”
When Connor didn’t respond, because, as usual, he found himself at a loss for words, Michael continued. “Take it from me, dude. If you’re not into this, pick something else.”
That last comment was directed at Jared, who gave a little shrug. “Yeah, I haven’t really decided what I’m gonna major in yet.”
“Huh. Well you better think of something, ’cause the way you play, you’d never make it pro,” Michael jeered, and Connor was surprised when Jared just scoffed.
“Yeah, well, at least I have my youth. You’re getting pretty old there, fifth-year.”
“I’ll show you old.” Michael retaliated with a swift jab to Jared’s ribs.
Only ten minutes of their session remained—which meant Connor should be doing something to rein them in and return them to the tenets of Boasian cultural anthropology. Unfortunately, telling two large athletes to stop their bickering and get back to work was just not within his abilities.
He waited until the two had had their fill of fake-fighting before hesitantly glancing back at his book.
“W-would…would you like to go over the prompt for the next writing assignment?”
Michael sighed, making no effort to hide his displeasure, but Jared regarded him with a raised brow and a grin. “Yeah, sure, Connor. You’re the boss.”
Sara Alva is the author of best-selling New Adult novel Social Skills and Rainbow Award Winner Silent. Always a daydreamer, Sara finally decided to sculpt the thoughts banging around in her head into stories of self-discovery, heartache, personal growth, friendship and love. Read them as an escape, or as a window into understanding your own world.
When she isn’t writing, Sara is pursuing her other passions in teaching, music, and dancing.
