The Guy #2
All his life, Jesse’s known Aaron is the only guy for him, yet he’s never told his childhood crush how he feels.
Jesse is shocked of when his secret crush arrives on his doorstep. Spending time alone with Aaron in the remote mountain cabin, Jesse is overwhelmed. Aaron is surprised to find his former best friend’s little brother all grown up.
Despite Jesse’s wild looks and unkempt beard, Aaron feels a pull of attraction. Forced out of the Army due to a medical condition, Aaron fears more complication and does not want to risk their friendship.
Long ago, Jesse settled for being Aaron’s faithful pen pal, but now Jesse wants more. He’s determined to have a second chance. As Jesse and Aaron find comfort in each other and in the isolation of the cabin, they begin to explore their romantic feelings.
But what will happen when they have to face the real world together?
Original Review November 2015:
Watching Aaron and Jesse reconnect is beautiful, heartbreaking at times but always believable. When Aaron is forced to retire due to a heart condition I thought he would flounder but he finds a new line of work due to his stepmother and a new future in the form of a childhood friend he never expected to see as anyone other than the little boy he was in his memories. For those wondering about Dean and Anthony's future, we get to see their next step as well.
RATING:
Series
Watching Aaron and Jesse reconnect is beautiful, heartbreaking at times but always believable. When Aaron is forced to retire due to a heart condition I thought he would flounder but he finds a new line of work due to his stepmother and a new future in the form of a childhood friend he never expected to see as anyone other than the little boy he was in his memories. For those wondering about Dean and Anthony's future, we get to see their next step as well.
RATING:
Chapter One
TEN YEARS.
Aaron couldn’t believe it had been nearly ten years since he’d been a regular civilian. He ran a hand through his short dark hair. Even that was odd, that he no longer had it all buzzed off. He could do what he liked now with his hair, the way he dressed, the way he lived.
Yesterday he was a soldier. Now he wasn’t.
He glanced around his childhood home, the brownstone, which his mom had kept in the divorce. It looked the same, even smelled the same. His mom hadn’t replaced any of the main furniture or even the faded rose wallpaper. He was tempted to unthread his fingers from around his mug of coffee and push back his chair and run out to buy something new.
“Earth to Aaron.”
“Oh. Sorry, Mom.”
“That’s okay. More lox?”
“No. I’m good.”
“I have more cream cheese too. What time is your appointment?”
“In an hour. But you don’t have to go.”
“I want to.” His mom pulled up a chair next to him, almost right on top of him, and watched as Aaron took a bite into his bagel.
His mom had been his rock during his recovery in Germany. She’d flown there to be with him through his evaluation and treatments. She held his hand without offering any unwanted advice. But her eyes had been constantly on him, tense and aware, and he’d felt her unending need to stare at the center of his chest as if she could see right into his bummer heart.
“It might be a long wait.” The army picked up the bill, but the VA hospital waiting rooms took forever.
“I don’t mind. I’ll bring a book.”
Terrific.
Part of Aaron wanted to sulk about being treated like a child, but the more mature part of him didn’t want to hurt his mom. It was a tightrope walk, knowing when to speak up for his independence and when to keep his mouth shut. All he knew for certain was that he needed to get out of the brownstone and find a place of his own soon.
“Let me organize some bills, you finish breakfast, and we can go.” She turned and took down the stack of mail from a shelf nearby.
“I need to take a shower.”
“You did get up late today. Are you feeling tired?” Her brow creased with concern.
“No.”
“You can tell me.”
“Mom, I was being lazy and sleeping in.”
“Right. Okay, just thought I’d ask.”
Aaron chewed on his lox and cream cheese bagel in silence. Getting decent deli again and sleeping in were two things almost worth being sent home for. Almost.
“Ellie? Where are you?” his grandmother, who also lived with his mom, called out.
“Here, Ma.”
“Heh?”
“We’re in the kitchen,” his mom shouted.
“Where?”
“I said we’re in here.”
Grandma Belle came into the kitchen. “Well, speak up.”
“Morning, Grandma Belle,” Aaron said loudly.
“What’s that?”
“Morning.”
“Oh. Morning, son.” His grandmother sat down next to him. She wore a colorful floral dress that was tight across her stomach. She touched a hand to her wispy thin hair. “Don’t look at me closely. I haven’t put on my makeup yet.” She juggled her oversized purse, as big as a bowling ball, near Aaron’s head.
“You look fine. Beautiful.” His grandma had been a real looker in her day. She’d once been on Broadway as a chorus girl. She still had good strong legs.
“Really?” Her face, a map of wrinkles, broke into a pleased smile. “Thanks.” She pinched his cheeks, hard.
At least it wasn’t his ass. Grandma Belle had been known to grope the male members of the family on occasion.
He watched with amusement as his grandma took out some red lipstick and, without even needing a mirror, applied it perfectly to her lips. It looked a bit clownish to him, though, considering the rest of her face was speckled with age spots.
“Ellie, you should put some lipstick on.”
“No thanks, Ma.”
“It’ll brighten your complexion.”
“I’m happy without it.”
“What?”
“I said that I’m fine.”
His grandma turned to him. “What’d she say? I swear, Ellie, you mumble something awful.”
Aaron met his mom’s eyes. She had taken Grandma Belle in a few years ago, and it couldn’t have been easy. All the more reason Aaron didn’t want to add to his mom’s burden, though, of course, she’d never say that to him.
To distract Grandma Belle, Aaron leaned nearer. “Grandma, you’re looking so good, in fact, it’s a shame to let all this beauty go to waste, yours and mine both. What do you say we go out tonight? Another early bird dinner and bingo? You can even bring along the girls again, as long as they behave.”
The “girls” were his grandma’s female friends over at the senior center. Though most would think he’d rather run naked through the army barracks in subzero temperatures than play bingo with some old ladies, it had actually been fun the last time Aaron went. Grandma Belle’s only friend who still drove, Esther, had picked them up in her new candy-apple red Cadillac and they’d cruised about fifteen miles an hour over to the bingo hall at the senior center. Aaron had been impressed at how seriously those ladies took their bingo. Each of them had at least ten cards and there was some big cash to be won.
“Behave? What’s the fun in that?” Grandma Belle chortled. She grabbed the remote to turn on the television.
“True. Okay, then, we can make it a wild night.” Aaron waggled his eyebrows.
“This one is an even bigger flirt than I am,” Grandma Belle said to his mother. “And that’s saying something. Must be in the blood.”
“Must be,” his mom agreed absently.
“Or else I was a victim of a body snatching,” Aaron said. “Strange things happen out in the desert.”
Grandma Belle had been married three times. Once to some fellow nobody ever talked about because it was a past scandal involving an actor; once to Aaron’s Grandpa Joe, whose kind and steady presence Aaron could still recall, but who died long ago from a sudden stroke; and finally to Teddy, who was technically still her husband but had advanced Alzheimer’s and didn’t remember her or any of them. Teddy now lived in a full time care unit, and his grandmother saw him faithfully twice a week. Despite all his teasing, Aaron admired his grandmother.
“Oh boy.” His mom stopped sorting the mail and sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
“This.” She held up a letter with fancy engraving on it. “Saul and Naomi Ross are having some huge shindig celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary. I’m sure your father will be there with what’s her name.”
“So? Don’t go.”
“Why shouldn’t I? I may not have been in touch with Naomi as much as your dad was in touch with Saul all these years, but this invitation has my name on it.”
“Okay. Go, then.”
“Alone? Really? That would be fun.” She tossed the invitation at him. “It says I can bring a plus one.” His mom looked at him, and Aaron looked down at his bagel.
Grandma Belle turned up the volume. Aaron winced at the sound of the game show contestant squealing over a prize.
His mom rolled her eyes. She gestured for Aaron to leave the table and the two of them walked away from his grandmother and the television to the other side of the kitchen.
She touched Aaron’s shoulder tentatively. “Would you consider going with your old mom? I can’t stand the thought of showing up alone. If you don’t come, I’ll be forced to take Grandma, and you know how loud she gets at social functions. The party is two weeks from now. Plenty of time to get a nice suit and all….” She pressed the invitation into his hand.
Aaron fingered the fancy writing across the top of the creamy envelope. His mom was so preoccupied about seeing his dad and his younger wife that she seemed to have forgotten that going to the Ross’s anniversary party would mean Aaron seeing Gregory again.
“Unless you don’t want to see Gregory again?”
Damn! His mom still could read his mind. Aaron looked up at her, and she gave him a wry smile.
“How is Gregory?” he asked carefully.
“Great, from the little I hear. He’s away right now on some big marketing campaign in Japan or something, but he’ll be at the party I’m sure. And he’s on and off again with that fiancée of his.”
“Right.” Aaron had often replayed Gregory’s various looks and small touches in his mind from all those years, still convinced he’d been right and Gregory had been checking him out. There had been chemistry.
“Six years of being engaged,” his mom said. “It’s weird. Isn’t it? To be engaged that long already.”
“Yeah.”
He wasn’t jealous exactly. Aaron refused to get jealous. He was curious, though. Why hadn’t he married her? Was he gay and still in the closet? Would Gregory be braver now? Would it be possible to finally “get” the one that got away? Gregory had been his first love, unrequited or not. And no matter how many other people Aaron had fun with over the years, there was always a twinge in his heart at the thought of seeing Gregory again. Okay, it made him shallow, but Aaron could admit that a part of him wanted to see Gregory squirming at the sight of him—just a little—was that so wrong? And if Gregory suddenly dropped to his knees and declared Aaron the lost love of his life, who was he to argue?
“I don’t know what the two of them are waiting for with the long engagement. I always see them in the newspaper society section at this posh function or that one. But no wedding dates.” His mom’s mouth twisted bitterly. “Of course, your father and I married fast and young and look where that took us.”
Aaron handed her back the invitation. “I’ll think about it.”
Maybe there were second chances to make an old love gone wrong go right. Stranger things had happened. Not that Aaron was looking for anything permanent—not with Gregory or anybody else. Love and promises were fine for other people. He wasn’t interested.
“Have you called him?”
“Who?” Aaron blinked. Did she mean Gregory?
“Your dad.”
“No, not yet.”
An uncomfortable silence fell between them. No matter how much time passed, his mom never let go of the divorce, and Aaron fought the urge to flee the room as he would have done a few years back.
“I do need to go and see him.”
“Whatever you need to do,” his mom replied.
“Pick number three, number three, you ninny!” Grandma Belle shouted at the television, pumping her gnarled hand in the air.
His mom looked over at her and then back at Aaron.
“Mom, I get that he was a jerk to you and that you haven’t had an easy time since, but he is my dad.”
“Number three!”
His mom nodded curtly. “I know that, Aaron. I understand. He hasn’t seen you in a long time. You should call him. It would probably be good for both of you.”
“Really? Okay. I’ll do that.” Aaron gave his mom’s shoulders a squeeze. “Thanks, Mom. I know the thought of Dad still hurts.”
“When I see him and his twenty-nothing wife and their baby, it makes me crazy.” His mom drew a deep breath. “Oops! Sorry. That slipped out! I was trying to be all magnanimous. Now I ruined the moment. I do understand that you want to see him. Pretend I never admitted the rest, okay?”
Aaron laughed. “Admitted what?”
She hugged him to her. “Oh baby, I’ve missed you so much.”
“Missed you too, Mom. A lot. And if you want, I’ll go to the Ross’s party with you.”
“You will?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. Thank you!”
“Oh stop. I’m going to shower and see the doctor and then see Dad, okay? And I can do it all by myself.” Aaron kissed the top of his mom’s head. “Solo.”
AARON SAT on a park bench in Central Park, people-watching.
God, he was sick of being poked and prodded. And it was always the same result: your heart valve might be fine and the damage might stay minimal, or you might need surgery someday. They couldn’t tell him when or even if he’d need surgery, so what was the point? Every examination only made him anxious. He’d already wasted weeks in the hospital recovering—first from a nasty infection he’d picked up in Afghanistan and then when the infection had led to endocarditis. He was sick of being sick.
The doctor had asked him to make an appointment again for next month for more monitoring, and he’d left without stopping at the nurse’s station to do it. Would it really hurt things to simply take a few weeks off from it all? He wanted to enjoy the autumn weather, reconnect with family and friends, get laid. Thank God his doctors hadn’t forbidden that.
His cell phone chimed, interrupting his thoughts. Aaron glanced at the number and smiled as he answered it. “Hey, Pierce! Calling again? You know you missed my sexy voice. Admit it. You just need to hear it every week or so.” Pierce only grunted in reply. Aaron stifled a laugh. He couldn’t resist flirting a little. It made Dean Pierce so uncomfortable. “How’s the boyfriend?”
“Good.”
“Only good?” Aaron teased. “We both know I’m the better catch and you’re pining away for me, but I like Anthony. At least I like what you have to say about him. Don’t go breaking his heart for me. I’m not worth it.”
“I’ll try to restrain myself.”
“Do that. And how’s your niece? Nicki?”
“She’s good too.”
Aaron rolled his eyes at his friend’s brevity with words, but he was used to it. Pierce had been his bunkmate in the Night Stalkers. Although Pierce was a difficult sort of guy to get to know, they’d built a solid friendship based on years of being to hell and back together before Pierce had to go home on a hardship discharge to care for his niece. Ironically, Aaron had fallen sick within days of his departure and they’d both ended up stateside.
“How’re you?” Pierce asked.
“Great. I’m really good. Actually, scratch that. I’m more than good. I’m fantastic. Awesome. I’m sitting here in the park, checking out all the hot men, trying to decide who will get my lucky attention tonight.”
“You dog.”
“That’s me.” Aaron let out a playful howl, drawing the attention of some joggers. As they slowed down to look at him, he gave them a broad grin. One of them was checking out his crotch. He tapped his hand at his thigh and nearly laughed when the jogger paused and licked his lips before moving on. It was true that he liked to have fun. In the army, he’d loved his brief encounters with men and women, easy friends, easy fun—always managing to find somebody to warm his bed on his times of leave. And why not? He gave pleasure as much as he’d gotten it. No strings. No commitments. No need to take the whole thing too seriously.
He didn’t flaunt his preferences in front of most of the other soldiers, although Pierce and a few others had known. But when he was on leave, Aaron had openly enjoyed flirting.
“I can only imagine what you’ve been up to since you got out,” Pierce said, interrupting his thoughts. “Still only interested in the pretty ones?”
“Of course,” Aaron replied. “You know me. I’m happy being shallow.”
He made it sound as if he’d scored every night since coming home, but that was about as far from the truth as he could get. He hadn’t gone into any clubs at all since he’d returned on his medical discharge, and he wasn’t sure why.
“Too bad you’re an old married guy and can’t come and play with me,” Aaron said, continuing with the farce that he was still his old, outrageous self. “Really, Pierce, out of the closet after years of self-denial and you don’t sow any wild oats? Nope, right to the old ball and chain act. Pathetic.”
“Fuck you. And you know Anthony and I aren’t married….”
“I know. I was only messing around. But you act married whenever you talk about him. Might as well be hitched to the guy.”
There was a silence.
“I’m thinking along those lines.”
“What? You mean marriage?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I—he’s the one for me.”
Aaron could practically imagine the hot flush that must be staining Pierce’s cheeks. He was usually the strong and silent type. For Pierce, he was practically getting mushy.
“Oh my God! You’re pathetic, then,” Aaron laughed. “And I so have to meet Anthony and find out how he got Dean Pierce to admit to having feelings.”
“Come out to Arizona. Glamour is a small town, but Phoenix is close by. Come visit.”
“I might do that.”
“And you know, Weiss, if Anthony says yes—”
“Don’t be stupid. He’ll say yes. You could always outmuscle him if he hesitates.”
“If Anthony says yes, would you stand up with me?”
Aaron’s teasing grin faded. “Me? That’s… yeah, I would fly out there for you. As long as my doctors okay it.”
“It won’t be for some time. I still need to ask him. And Anthony’s sisters will never let me get away with a small wedding. So it would be a while away.”
“Good. I’ll be there. If it’s what you want, then you know I’ll do it. I’m here for you.”
“Good.” Dean cleared his throat. “What are the doctors saying about your heart?”
“It beats.”
“Weiss….”
“Ah, you know doctors. All bossy and Godlike about it. And all the medical stuff hasn’t given me time to even figure out what to do next. I’m so fucking lost. I—”
Shit! Aaron pulled the phone from his ear and stared at it, appalled he’d revealed so much. “Forget it! I was only having a little pity party for a moment. It’s all good. You know me; I’ll bounce back in no time.”
“Weiss… I—I felt all that too when I got out. And I turned out fine here. Hang in there, Rabbi.”
Aaron smiled slightly at his old nickname. Dean fit the cliché of a Special Forces guy—all muscle and toughness—while Aaron freely admitted to being more Seinfeld than Schwarzenegger.
Aaron drew in a deep breath. “Yeah. I’ll be fine. I know. And wow, Pierce, you actually did more than grunt at me. Your boyfriend has really improved your communication skills.” He forced himself to continue to talk cheerfully then, because that’s what people expected from him. Nobody liked complaining. But even as he joked with Pierce, Aaron cradled the phone to his cheek and tried to ignore the giant-sized lump in his throat.
“AARON, YOU’RE here,” his dad said as he walked into the apartment. He clasped Aaron’s shoulder tightly. “You’re here.”
“Hey, Dad. Sorry I haven’t stopped by sooner, but—”
“No, no. I’m glad you’re here now.” He shook Aaron’s hand, pumping it up and down. “Really glad, son.”
“Thanks.” They shook hands some more. Aaron had rarely seen his dad like this, so emotional, but the last time he’d seen Aaron was in a hospital and his dad never did well with medical issues. His mom had always handled anything involving blood, scrapes, or broken bones.
“Come and see Valerie.”
Valerie was a few years younger than Aaron, a fact he was trying not to dwell on. At nearly fifty, his dad was a total second marriage, December to May cliché, but Aaron had been gone so long he wanted to reserve judgment about it. His dad had been divorced a long time and he seemed happy with Valerie in his e-mails, so…. It was odd, though, looking at her pert little nose and freshly scrubbed face, her hair pulled back in a scrunchy, and having to think of her as his dad’s actual wife. On top of that, he had a new baby brother, Matthew.
“Nate’s been pacing at the door, waiting for you,” Valerie said.
“I haven’t been pacing,” his dad protested, flushing a little.
“Yes, you have, honey. It’s sweet too.”
Aaron looked at his dad’s embarrassed expression, which he was certain matched his own, and then looked away.
“So that’s my little brother, huh?”
“Yep. This is Matthew.”
“Hi, Aaron!” Valerie pretended to have Matthew give him a wave. “I’m so excited you’re here!” She bounced up and down on the couch, which made Matthew gurgle happily.
“You too.” Aaron bent down and gave her a quick hug in return. Valerie seemed nice—she was so friendly, Aaron had to like her somewhat—but it was a little like having the featherbrained head cheerleader for a stepmother.
“And here he is! Matthew!” His dad’s voice filled with pride. “Look at this. My two sons!”
Aaron smiled at his dad and then looked down at the baby.
Matthew was pudgy and had only a little whirl of hair on the top of his head. He looked right at Aaron, and Aaron felt an unexpected rush of pure emotion. He’d always wanted a sibling. He’d dreamed of it right up until his parents had gotten divorced.
“He is a cute little guy.”
“Oh here.” Valerie held him out. “Take him!”
“No. Thanks, but um, I—”
“You must. Really. It’s fine. Hold him.”
He gamely held him a moment, patting his dimpled thighs. He was incredibly soft. Matthew’s skin was like fresh dough. As Aaron looked down at his little brother and he looked back at Aaron so trustingly, he knew he was already lost. He leaned in and whispered, “Want to know a secret? I can’t wait until you’re older. We can play sports and hang out. And bitch about Dad.”
Matthew made a gurgling noise of approval, and Aaron’s throat clogged up. That did it. Matthew was going to own a big piece of him.
“Aw! I’m getting out my camera.” Valerie rummaged through her bag. “Don’t move!”
“Right.” Aaron held Matthew in his arms, carefully cradling his head. “So when does he talk and stuff?”
“Not for quite a long time.”
“We’re sorry you missed his Bris. But hey, in thirteen years, you can be at his bar mitzvah.”
“Sure.”
“Valerie,” his dad said.
“What?”
“Nothing. You don’t need to…. Never mind.”
Valerie wasn’t Jewish, but she was attempting to raise Matthew as a Jew. Technically, as Aaron’s mom loved to point out, the mother must be Jewish for the baby to be Jewish, but Valerie couldn’t quite get herself to give up on Christmas. So Matthew would end up a mixture of the two religions most likely, which Aaron thought was fine. More holidays, more presents. He thought his dad had told him Valerie was Catholic, so poor Matthew would have more guilt too—Catholic and Jewish—to live up to. Poor kid.
The only other time he’d seen Valerie, on leave for his dad’s wedding, she had tried so hard to go out of her way to talk about Jewish things to him that his friend Pierce would have gotten a kick out of it. The guys in the Night Stalkers, his old unit, had nicknamed him “The Rabbi” because he was the only Jewish one there, but truthfully, other than trying to observe some of the high holidays and attend an occasional Passover Seder, Aaron wasn’t religious at all.
He handed Matthew back to Valerie, careful not to release him until he was safely in his mother’s hands.
“He looks a little like you did as a baby,” his dad said.
“He does?” Aaron studied Matthew’s drooling mouth. The baby sucked on his fist.
“Sure. The eyes. I see it there.”
“His are blue, Dad.”
“Baby blue. It will change. You can see the dark color underneath that.”
Aaron smiled bemusedly at his dad. He’d usually been at work most of Aaron’s childhood, busy making money. He’d never heard his father get all poetic about baby eyes before or anything like that. He would have bet his dad wouldn’t have even held him as a baby, but maybe he was wrong. The thought warmed him.
“Anyhow, enough baby talk. Tell me, what are you going to do now? How will you be making a living?”
Aaron choked back a laugh. Okay, now that sounded more like his father. That was a familiar question too, one his dad had been asking him since he’d been small and dreaming of baseball. His dad’s motto was “make a living.” Aaron knew it was the way his dad showed his love. It had made him feel accomplished to earn a good salary, to pay for things; at least Aaron had always thought so. Up until Valerie, his dad had never seemed to want for more.
“I’ve been thinking about it, actually. I’ve always liked computers, you know that. And I’ve been looking into getting certified. I might sign up for a few courses this spring. You really don’t need years of school, so it would work out well for me. I’m looking into the programs.”
“I love my computer,” Valerie offered. “I’m on Facebook all the time. Oh! I know a guy from school who does some really cool gaming things too. My friend Lenny. I’ll e-mail him for you!”
“No, really, Valerie, that’s nice of you but—”
“Do you ever get into that gaming stuff?”
“Um, yeah, I’ve been gaming for years as a hobby, but—”
“Fantastic! I’ll send him an e-mail tonight. Lenny will respond. He totally owes me for setting him up with his girlfriend, too.”
Matthew began to cry then, a startling loud wail, and she scooped him up. “Ew! Mr. Stinky Stink-Pants, time for a diaper change.” She smiled at Aaron. “He’s at the first cereal stage now and his poops are lethal. Big and smelly messes!”
“Right,” Aaron said lamely. What was he supposed to say exactly about baby poop? Why did new moms always think people would want to know about their baby’s poop anyhow? Gross.
Aaron rose to his feet politely as Valerie left the room. He eyed his red-faced little brother one last time. They’d have so much fun once he got that diaper business out of the way.
“She means well,” his dad said. “She has a great heart. Anyhow, tell me about you. Tell me, besides the job hunt, what else are you up to?”
“Besides that? Well, not much. I guess that my plans are to find a place soon. I need to move out and be on my own. I can’t live with Mom and Grandma Belle.”
“Grandma Belle. God, I can only imagine. Is she still the way I remember her?”
“Pretty much.”
“I’d ask you here”—his dad glanced toward the baby’s room—“but it may not be feasible.”
“No, Dad, I get it. Grandma Belle is fine to me; it’s Mom and her who bicker. Anyway, I wouldn’t want to crowd you here. You have your own family.”
“You’re my family too, Aaron. Please don’t think differently about that. Can I help you out some other way? Give you a check?” His dad lowered his voice.
“If I need it. Right now, I’m good.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Aaron knew his dad would help him, if push came to shove, but he’d made his way alone for years, never asking his parents for a thing, and he hated asking them now.
“So where will you go? I suppose you’ll find some roommates?”
“I don’t know.” Aaron frowned. “I’ve lived with so many people over the past years; all I want is some peace and quiet. I might try getting my own place.”
“Can you afford that in the city?”
“Nope. The army isn’t exactly giving me my full benefits, not with a medical discharge. I guess I can move across the river. Live in Hoboken.”
“New Jersey?” His dad, who’d spent his entire life on Upper West Manhattan, shuddered. “Really, Aaron.”
“Yes, really, Dad. I wouldn’t suffer in New Jersey.” Aaron laughed.
“You’re impossible.”
“Then I haven’t changed.”
“Promise me that wherever you move, New Jersey or elsewhere, you won’t lose touch. You’ll call. Visit.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“It happens. Take Saul’s youngest.”
“Jesse?”
“Yeah. Remember him? He owns some cockamamie wildlife farm. He must live on berries or some earthy-crunchy shit. It’s right outside of where we used to summer every year. A pretty area, but that Jesse never comes home. From what Naomi and Saul tell me, he’s one odd duck.”
“Jesse! Boy, I haven’t thought of him in a long time. He used to write to me while I was away. He was a really good pen pal to me. Is he going to the Rosses’ anniversary party? I could probably catch up with him there.”
“I don’t know. Sarah and Gregory are a definite yes, but with Jesse? Nobody knows. Like I said, he’s an odd duck.” His dad shot him a look. “You know, Aaron, you might be able to persuade him to come to his parents’ party. I know it would thrill Saul if all his children showed up.”
“Me?”
“Sure. Jesse was crazy about you. So if you want to see him, this might be your chance. And if you’re able to convince him to return to the city in a few weeks’ time, even better. Take my Audi. Since I walk to work, I haven’t driven it in ages. It’s all yours.”
“I don’t know, Dad. I doubt he’d care what I think and it’s a pretty far drive.”
“Make a long weekend out of it. Why not? The fresh air and countryside might do you some good.”
“I’m fine.”
“I know. Sure. Of course you are. But weren’t you saying you could use a break?”
“Well….”
“It would be a nice little vacation for you.”
“I could drive up there for fun and take a breather. I guess. Maybe see Jesse. But no promises about the party.”
“Understood.”
IT WAS a gorgeous drive. It was hard to keep his eyes on the road when there was so much beauty in the landscape. Aaron liked the city, always had, but this drive was exactly what he needed right now. Rolling down his windows, Aaron took a deep breath of the crisp fall air. It smelled like campfires, fresh earth, and sweet flowers. Those summers with his and the Ross family had been good times, before his parents’ divorce and before his loss of Gregory’s friendship. Maybe because those two events had happened closely together, they both lingered in his mind as the end of his childhood. Not that he’d entered the army a man, surely not. He’d been a scared, confused boy back then, but he’d grown up since. He’d been responsible for fellow soldiers, he’d flown choppers into the heart of enemy lines, and he’d made his independence known.
That’s why all this sucked. His parents both meant well, but every anxious look, every piece of unsolicited advice made him balk. He knew finding a place of his own would make his mom sad, but Aaron truly thought it was for the best. His parents loved him, and Aaron understood that he was lucky, but living with them didn’t feel like home anymore. He wasn’t sure where home was for him.
Aaron turned onto a dirt road, the car bumping up and down on the unpaved stretch. Good thing it wasn’t winter, because the bumpy road was all uphill and the Audi didn’t have four-wheel drive. The car edged forward, with nothing in sight but the king-sized trees towering all around him. It didn’t surprise him that Jesse would choose to live out here. He always was a kid more at home in the wild. It was hard to picture Jesse looking any other way than with his painfully skinny frame, dirty feet, smudged glasses, and a sketch pad in his hand as he followed Aaron and Gregory around.
Jesse had faithfully written to Aaron for years, but Aaron still pictured him as that boy. Truthfully, when Jesse’s very first letter had arrived at Aaron’s basic training camp, he’d been disappointed. As he turned it over and saw the return address labeled simply “Ross,” Aaron’s heart had flipped over. He’d been so sure it was Gregory writing to him, but it had been Jesse.
Hi Aaron,
Your mom gave me this address. I hope it’s okay that I write to you. How’s basic training? Are the officers mean? The summer seems weird without you and Gregory here. Did you know Gregory is giving up baseball? He says he wants to only concentrate on school, but it’s so dumb. I would never abandon something I love for better grades. Oh, hey I hope you don’t mind that I mention him. I know you guys had some big fight, or whatever. Gregory can be stupid. Believe me, I know!
Anyhow, I wish you were here this summer.
Your friend,
Jesse
Aaron had crumpled the letter up. Not hearing from Gregory had been a kick in the teeth. Hurt cramped him and he pushed his thoughts away. But Jesse’s letters had kept on coming. Slowly, Aaron began to look forward to them. It took him away from his day-to-day life. The endless drills, bad food, the smell of body odor and gunpowder. Aaron was still in the first phase of training—the grueling physical side. Exhaustion was too mild a word for how he felt, and unlike some of the other Rambo types, Aaron wasn’t certain he was looking forward to phase two and learning all about weapons, guns and bayonets and tanks. At that time, he wasn’t certain where he would fit into the army, if any place. Jesse’s letters began to be like a balm to him, soothing him, taking him away for a while.
Dear Aaron,
I’m basically writing this in my English class, instead of passing notes like other kids. My teacher, Mr. Cook, is an idiot. He reads any notes he finds out loud to the class, and he writes our names on the board if we misbehave in any way. Isn’t public shaming against some school policy? Plus, Mr. Cook has awful breath. I can’t listen to him discuss A Separate Peace when all I can think is he needs a better toothpaste.
On the other hand, he’s not as bad as Mrs. Langston. She tries to be everybody’s “friend.” There’s nothing more annoying than a teacher who still wants to be popular, you know?
Sorry to complain. I hate school. Too many people. I can’t breathe. The kids are jerks to me. They think I’m weird. Whenever I walk into class, I get a prickly feeling down my neck.
Yours,
Jesse
P.S.
Sorry to hear about all the things going on with your parents’ divorce.
P.P.S.
I still owe you that favor
Aaron realized then that he’d been selfishly reading Jesse’s letters for weeks, and he’d yet to write back to the poor kid. He was a total asshole. After heading back to his bunk, Aaron took out a pen and scrounged around for some paper. He should really tell Jesse to start e-mailing him too, but truthfully, there was just something about receiving paper letters with old-fashioned stamps that appealed to Aaron. It made him feel as if this might be summer camp and not the army, and he wasn’t headed off to some dangerous, unknown fighting soon, but simply on a strange vacation from home. Of course it wasn’t summer camp at all. It was serious and intense, and nothing that Aaron felt like sharing with Jesse. Besides, Jesse clearly had troubles of his own. He never did fit in with other kids. Jesse could use a friend. So he kept his tone light:
Hiya, Jesse!
Try not to worry too much about the other kids in school. When you graduate and get out into the real world, all of that bullshit seems small and petty. I meet people from all over now. Sometimes, it takes a little effort to get past first impressions. As for the teachers, if you’re like Gregory and Sarah, you probably can’t help being the smartest kid in the room. But, shit, I remember Mr. Cook. His breath stank back then too. Yuck.
Hang in there. Things really do change.
Aaron
What Aaron didn’t say in his letter to Jesse was that drill sergeants could be like teachers. There were good ones and bad. Aaron had been lucky at first, but his new sergeant was a mean son of a bitch who didn’t much care for Aaron. He’d been going over Aaron’s work assignment, the same assignment he’d gone over before, and Aaron had made the mistake of cutting him off and saying, “I got it, sir.” Now Sergeant Todd thought he was ill-mannered, when all Aaron intended was to show how eager he was for duty. Big mistake. He shouldn’t have interrupted, but Sergeant Todd was a slow talker. Aaron struggled to redeem himself that entire week, and he was tired and unhappy. Jesse’s letters continued, and each one felt like home to Aaron. He waited now for them to come. Meanwhile, Aaron had finally found somewhere to fit into the army. He’d learned that he loved flying. After finishing basic, he applied for ground school and initial flight training. It was a win/win. He got away from Sergeant Todd, and he’d started to learn things about choppers—how to take off, hover, and land. He wrote several letters to Jesse at that time in his excitement:
Hi Jesse!
I’m learning to be a chopper pilot. Did I mention it before? I’m learning to feel the rhythm of the bird. That’s what the gals and guys in my flight program call the choppers. There’s a shit load to learn, but I like it a lot. That’s my favorite time—when I’m heading up and looking into the sky and everything else is beyond the horizon. It’s kind of awesome to be doing something real. I fall into bed each night totally fatigued but in a good way. I met a new bunkmate today, Dean Pierce. He’s bigger than a mountain and about as talkative. All the guy does is point or grunt. I can’t see us becoming friends, but I don’t really care, as long as Pierce doesn’t bother me. Anyhow, I’m excited because once I finish flight school, I will be deployed. I’m not sure where, but I’ll keep you posted.
Take care,
Aaron
Dear Aaron,
A chopper pilot, huh? I’m not surprised. You probably fly like you pitch. With accuracy and speed. I always thought you had some bird inside you. Not an eagle or a hawk, although they are great birds, but a spine-tailed swift. Do you know about them? Spine-tailed swift are amazingly fast birds. They reach their top speeds in what scientists call their “screaming parties” during mating season too. Since I’ve been reading all about birds, I think you would be a swift. And yeah, here I go again babbling about animals.
Oh, and guess what? Gregory actually defended me yesterday from some kids in the neighborhood. He chased them off and walked me inside. When I asked him why, he shrugged and said, “I’m your brother.” Most of the time, he stays away at college and doesn’t bother with me, but I guess he was feeling generous since he’s only home on a holiday break. It made me feel good, but later that same day, he shut the door to his room and wouldn’t let me in. So I suppose he’s not all bad, but I doubt we will ever like the same things. You know?
My other news (and this won’t shock you I don’t think) is that I’ve given up eating meat of any kind. I told my parents about it last week over their prime rib dinner. I told them exactly why and how cruel the meat markets are and all of that. They said nothing. Sometimes, I don’t think they are even my real parents. I keep on waiting for them to tell me that I’m adopted.
Your friend,
Jesse
Hey there,
Say it isn’t so? You gave up meat? That’s it, we can’t be pals. I feel guilty enough over all the bacon I consume, I refuse to feel guilty over cows too. All in all, flight school is way better than basic. It’s odd though. Here I am about to be trusted in a Chinook, worth big bucks to the army, and I can’t even legally go into bars back home. I hope I’m decent at it. I was lucky to score a 90 on my Flight Aptitude test, am medically fit, and have my commander’s endorsement. I guess I’m doing better here in the army than I ever did at regular school, so I might have made the right choice.
I’m glad Gregory stepped up. What’s he up to? Oh, and Sarah too… I think of them sometimes and of our summers.
Sorry this letter is brief, but I was always pretty lousy at writing. Keep up your letters though, okay? They always make me smile. I’ll write more about that in a little while. Promise!
Aaron
Only he hadn’t written much. Once Aaron had been deployed to Afghanistan, he’d written less and less. For a long time, Jesse continued to write to him, weekly, like clockwork, but eventually, when Aaron failed time and time again to write Jesse back, his letters stopped.
THE ROAD broke open a little and sunlight filled his window. All along the road now were gently rolling hills of the softest green. A handful of sheep and a few cows looked at him with big, soulful brown eyes as they wandered closer to the road. Aaron stopped driving a moment to simply watch them. Something deep inside him loosened a little as he looked at the animals and heard nothing but the rustle of the wind and the occasional birdcall.
He’d probably go crazy if he lived out here full time. He liked company all around him, the bustle of the city, the energy of it. He enjoyed meeting people from all over, one of the army’s perks. He couldn’t imagine going day after day alone.
Aaron turned onto another road that had a simple mailbox sitting there in the middle of nowhere that read J. Ross. It was a completely secluded spot, no neighbors anywhere in sight, and all along the unpaved driveway, the trees were lush with leaves, bursting full of vivid reds and oranges and yellows. The sky was inviting, clear and cloudless. Aaron had to admit—
It was so beautiful it almost hurt.
He saw a pretty log cabin nestled at the foothill of a small mountain. Two freshly painted barns stood nearby. He hoped his father had remembered to call Jesse. He’d offered to take care of it, and Aaron hadn’t much cared.
“Oh, well, Jesse. Hope you like surprises.”
Aaron checked himself in the mirror. He thought he looked pretty good. He got out of his dad’s Audi and went to the sturdy wooden door and knocked. Dogs barked wildly, both high yippee-sounding barks and deep low growls, and then the door swung open and a man loomed in front of him.
The words of greeting died on Aaron’s lips.
The man looked completely, late-night, B grade, stalker-movie crazy. Aaron took an instinctive step back.
Wild tangles of blond hair hung down to his shoulders, and his clothes were splattered with what looked like blood. He had an ugly scar that hooked downward from the top of his cheek to where it met the bushiest beard Aaron had ever seen. Only his eyes were familiar, intelligent and fierce, a stormy combination of dark blue with a steely gray ring, staring back at him.
“Jesse?”
“Hi, Aaron,” he said quietly. He opened the door wider for Aaron to enter.
Yesterday he was a soldier. Now he wasn’t.
He glanced around his childhood home, the brownstone, which his mom had kept in the divorce. It looked the same, even smelled the same. His mom hadn’t replaced any of the main furniture or even the faded rose wallpaper. He was tempted to unthread his fingers from around his mug of coffee and push back his chair and run out to buy something new.
“Earth to Aaron.”
“Oh. Sorry, Mom.”
“That’s okay. More lox?”
“No. I’m good.”
“I have more cream cheese too. What time is your appointment?”
“In an hour. But you don’t have to go.”
“I want to.” His mom pulled up a chair next to him, almost right on top of him, and watched as Aaron took a bite into his bagel.
His mom had been his rock during his recovery in Germany. She’d flown there to be with him through his evaluation and treatments. She held his hand without offering any unwanted advice. But her eyes had been constantly on him, tense and aware, and he’d felt her unending need to stare at the center of his chest as if she could see right into his bummer heart.
“It might be a long wait.” The army picked up the bill, but the VA hospital waiting rooms took forever.
“I don’t mind. I’ll bring a book.”
Terrific.
Part of Aaron wanted to sulk about being treated like a child, but the more mature part of him didn’t want to hurt his mom. It was a tightrope walk, knowing when to speak up for his independence and when to keep his mouth shut. All he knew for certain was that he needed to get out of the brownstone and find a place of his own soon.
“Let me organize some bills, you finish breakfast, and we can go.” She turned and took down the stack of mail from a shelf nearby.
“I need to take a shower.”
“You did get up late today. Are you feeling tired?” Her brow creased with concern.
“No.”
“You can tell me.”
“Mom, I was being lazy and sleeping in.”
“Right. Okay, just thought I’d ask.”
Aaron chewed on his lox and cream cheese bagel in silence. Getting decent deli again and sleeping in were two things almost worth being sent home for. Almost.
“Ellie? Where are you?” his grandmother, who also lived with his mom, called out.
“Here, Ma.”
“Heh?”
“We’re in the kitchen,” his mom shouted.
“Where?”
“I said we’re in here.”
Grandma Belle came into the kitchen. “Well, speak up.”
“Morning, Grandma Belle,” Aaron said loudly.
“What’s that?”
“Morning.”
“Oh. Morning, son.” His grandmother sat down next to him. She wore a colorful floral dress that was tight across her stomach. She touched a hand to her wispy thin hair. “Don’t look at me closely. I haven’t put on my makeup yet.” She juggled her oversized purse, as big as a bowling ball, near Aaron’s head.
“You look fine. Beautiful.” His grandma had been a real looker in her day. She’d once been on Broadway as a chorus girl. She still had good strong legs.
“Really?” Her face, a map of wrinkles, broke into a pleased smile. “Thanks.” She pinched his cheeks, hard.
At least it wasn’t his ass. Grandma Belle had been known to grope the male members of the family on occasion.
He watched with amusement as his grandma took out some red lipstick and, without even needing a mirror, applied it perfectly to her lips. It looked a bit clownish to him, though, considering the rest of her face was speckled with age spots.
“Ellie, you should put some lipstick on.”
“No thanks, Ma.”
“It’ll brighten your complexion.”
“I’m happy without it.”
“What?”
“I said that I’m fine.”
His grandma turned to him. “What’d she say? I swear, Ellie, you mumble something awful.”
Aaron met his mom’s eyes. She had taken Grandma Belle in a few years ago, and it couldn’t have been easy. All the more reason Aaron didn’t want to add to his mom’s burden, though, of course, she’d never say that to him.
To distract Grandma Belle, Aaron leaned nearer. “Grandma, you’re looking so good, in fact, it’s a shame to let all this beauty go to waste, yours and mine both. What do you say we go out tonight? Another early bird dinner and bingo? You can even bring along the girls again, as long as they behave.”
The “girls” were his grandma’s female friends over at the senior center. Though most would think he’d rather run naked through the army barracks in subzero temperatures than play bingo with some old ladies, it had actually been fun the last time Aaron went. Grandma Belle’s only friend who still drove, Esther, had picked them up in her new candy-apple red Cadillac and they’d cruised about fifteen miles an hour over to the bingo hall at the senior center. Aaron had been impressed at how seriously those ladies took their bingo. Each of them had at least ten cards and there was some big cash to be won.
“Behave? What’s the fun in that?” Grandma Belle chortled. She grabbed the remote to turn on the television.
“True. Okay, then, we can make it a wild night.” Aaron waggled his eyebrows.
“This one is an even bigger flirt than I am,” Grandma Belle said to his mother. “And that’s saying something. Must be in the blood.”
“Must be,” his mom agreed absently.
“Or else I was a victim of a body snatching,” Aaron said. “Strange things happen out in the desert.”
Grandma Belle had been married three times. Once to some fellow nobody ever talked about because it was a past scandal involving an actor; once to Aaron’s Grandpa Joe, whose kind and steady presence Aaron could still recall, but who died long ago from a sudden stroke; and finally to Teddy, who was technically still her husband but had advanced Alzheimer’s and didn’t remember her or any of them. Teddy now lived in a full time care unit, and his grandmother saw him faithfully twice a week. Despite all his teasing, Aaron admired his grandmother.
“Oh boy.” His mom stopped sorting the mail and sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
“This.” She held up a letter with fancy engraving on it. “Saul and Naomi Ross are having some huge shindig celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary. I’m sure your father will be there with what’s her name.”
“So? Don’t go.”
“Why shouldn’t I? I may not have been in touch with Naomi as much as your dad was in touch with Saul all these years, but this invitation has my name on it.”
“Okay. Go, then.”
“Alone? Really? That would be fun.” She tossed the invitation at him. “It says I can bring a plus one.” His mom looked at him, and Aaron looked down at his bagel.
Grandma Belle turned up the volume. Aaron winced at the sound of the game show contestant squealing over a prize.
His mom rolled her eyes. She gestured for Aaron to leave the table and the two of them walked away from his grandmother and the television to the other side of the kitchen.
She touched Aaron’s shoulder tentatively. “Would you consider going with your old mom? I can’t stand the thought of showing up alone. If you don’t come, I’ll be forced to take Grandma, and you know how loud she gets at social functions. The party is two weeks from now. Plenty of time to get a nice suit and all….” She pressed the invitation into his hand.
Aaron fingered the fancy writing across the top of the creamy envelope. His mom was so preoccupied about seeing his dad and his younger wife that she seemed to have forgotten that going to the Ross’s anniversary party would mean Aaron seeing Gregory again.
“Unless you don’t want to see Gregory again?”
Damn! His mom still could read his mind. Aaron looked up at her, and she gave him a wry smile.
“How is Gregory?” he asked carefully.
“Great, from the little I hear. He’s away right now on some big marketing campaign in Japan or something, but he’ll be at the party I’m sure. And he’s on and off again with that fiancée of his.”
“Right.” Aaron had often replayed Gregory’s various looks and small touches in his mind from all those years, still convinced he’d been right and Gregory had been checking him out. There had been chemistry.
“Six years of being engaged,” his mom said. “It’s weird. Isn’t it? To be engaged that long already.”
“Yeah.”
He wasn’t jealous exactly. Aaron refused to get jealous. He was curious, though. Why hadn’t he married her? Was he gay and still in the closet? Would Gregory be braver now? Would it be possible to finally “get” the one that got away? Gregory had been his first love, unrequited or not. And no matter how many other people Aaron had fun with over the years, there was always a twinge in his heart at the thought of seeing Gregory again. Okay, it made him shallow, but Aaron could admit that a part of him wanted to see Gregory squirming at the sight of him—just a little—was that so wrong? And if Gregory suddenly dropped to his knees and declared Aaron the lost love of his life, who was he to argue?
“I don’t know what the two of them are waiting for with the long engagement. I always see them in the newspaper society section at this posh function or that one. But no wedding dates.” His mom’s mouth twisted bitterly. “Of course, your father and I married fast and young and look where that took us.”
Aaron handed her back the invitation. “I’ll think about it.”
Maybe there were second chances to make an old love gone wrong go right. Stranger things had happened. Not that Aaron was looking for anything permanent—not with Gregory or anybody else. Love and promises were fine for other people. He wasn’t interested.
“Have you called him?”
“Who?” Aaron blinked. Did she mean Gregory?
“Your dad.”
“No, not yet.”
An uncomfortable silence fell between them. No matter how much time passed, his mom never let go of the divorce, and Aaron fought the urge to flee the room as he would have done a few years back.
“I do need to go and see him.”
“Whatever you need to do,” his mom replied.
“Pick number three, number three, you ninny!” Grandma Belle shouted at the television, pumping her gnarled hand in the air.
His mom looked over at her and then back at Aaron.
“Mom, I get that he was a jerk to you and that you haven’t had an easy time since, but he is my dad.”
“Number three!”
His mom nodded curtly. “I know that, Aaron. I understand. He hasn’t seen you in a long time. You should call him. It would probably be good for both of you.”
“Really? Okay. I’ll do that.” Aaron gave his mom’s shoulders a squeeze. “Thanks, Mom. I know the thought of Dad still hurts.”
“When I see him and his twenty-nothing wife and their baby, it makes me crazy.” His mom drew a deep breath. “Oops! Sorry. That slipped out! I was trying to be all magnanimous. Now I ruined the moment. I do understand that you want to see him. Pretend I never admitted the rest, okay?”
Aaron laughed. “Admitted what?”
She hugged him to her. “Oh baby, I’ve missed you so much.”
“Missed you too, Mom. A lot. And if you want, I’ll go to the Ross’s party with you.”
“You will?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. Thank you!”
“Oh stop. I’m going to shower and see the doctor and then see Dad, okay? And I can do it all by myself.” Aaron kissed the top of his mom’s head. “Solo.”
AARON SAT on a park bench in Central Park, people-watching.
God, he was sick of being poked and prodded. And it was always the same result: your heart valve might be fine and the damage might stay minimal, or you might need surgery someday. They couldn’t tell him when or even if he’d need surgery, so what was the point? Every examination only made him anxious. He’d already wasted weeks in the hospital recovering—first from a nasty infection he’d picked up in Afghanistan and then when the infection had led to endocarditis. He was sick of being sick.
The doctor had asked him to make an appointment again for next month for more monitoring, and he’d left without stopping at the nurse’s station to do it. Would it really hurt things to simply take a few weeks off from it all? He wanted to enjoy the autumn weather, reconnect with family and friends, get laid. Thank God his doctors hadn’t forbidden that.
His cell phone chimed, interrupting his thoughts. Aaron glanced at the number and smiled as he answered it. “Hey, Pierce! Calling again? You know you missed my sexy voice. Admit it. You just need to hear it every week or so.” Pierce only grunted in reply. Aaron stifled a laugh. He couldn’t resist flirting a little. It made Dean Pierce so uncomfortable. “How’s the boyfriend?”
“Good.”
“Only good?” Aaron teased. “We both know I’m the better catch and you’re pining away for me, but I like Anthony. At least I like what you have to say about him. Don’t go breaking his heart for me. I’m not worth it.”
“I’ll try to restrain myself.”
“Do that. And how’s your niece? Nicki?”
“She’s good too.”
Aaron rolled his eyes at his friend’s brevity with words, but he was used to it. Pierce had been his bunkmate in the Night Stalkers. Although Pierce was a difficult sort of guy to get to know, they’d built a solid friendship based on years of being to hell and back together before Pierce had to go home on a hardship discharge to care for his niece. Ironically, Aaron had fallen sick within days of his departure and they’d both ended up stateside.
“How’re you?” Pierce asked.
“Great. I’m really good. Actually, scratch that. I’m more than good. I’m fantastic. Awesome. I’m sitting here in the park, checking out all the hot men, trying to decide who will get my lucky attention tonight.”
“You dog.”
“That’s me.” Aaron let out a playful howl, drawing the attention of some joggers. As they slowed down to look at him, he gave them a broad grin. One of them was checking out his crotch. He tapped his hand at his thigh and nearly laughed when the jogger paused and licked his lips before moving on. It was true that he liked to have fun. In the army, he’d loved his brief encounters with men and women, easy friends, easy fun—always managing to find somebody to warm his bed on his times of leave. And why not? He gave pleasure as much as he’d gotten it. No strings. No commitments. No need to take the whole thing too seriously.
He didn’t flaunt his preferences in front of most of the other soldiers, although Pierce and a few others had known. But when he was on leave, Aaron had openly enjoyed flirting.
“I can only imagine what you’ve been up to since you got out,” Pierce said, interrupting his thoughts. “Still only interested in the pretty ones?”
“Of course,” Aaron replied. “You know me. I’m happy being shallow.”
He made it sound as if he’d scored every night since coming home, but that was about as far from the truth as he could get. He hadn’t gone into any clubs at all since he’d returned on his medical discharge, and he wasn’t sure why.
“Too bad you’re an old married guy and can’t come and play with me,” Aaron said, continuing with the farce that he was still his old, outrageous self. “Really, Pierce, out of the closet after years of self-denial and you don’t sow any wild oats? Nope, right to the old ball and chain act. Pathetic.”
“Fuck you. And you know Anthony and I aren’t married….”
“I know. I was only messing around. But you act married whenever you talk about him. Might as well be hitched to the guy.”
There was a silence.
“I’m thinking along those lines.”
“What? You mean marriage?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I—he’s the one for me.”
Aaron could practically imagine the hot flush that must be staining Pierce’s cheeks. He was usually the strong and silent type. For Pierce, he was practically getting mushy.
“Oh my God! You’re pathetic, then,” Aaron laughed. “And I so have to meet Anthony and find out how he got Dean Pierce to admit to having feelings.”
“Come out to Arizona. Glamour is a small town, but Phoenix is close by. Come visit.”
“I might do that.”
“And you know, Weiss, if Anthony says yes—”
“Don’t be stupid. He’ll say yes. You could always outmuscle him if he hesitates.”
“If Anthony says yes, would you stand up with me?”
Aaron’s teasing grin faded. “Me? That’s… yeah, I would fly out there for you. As long as my doctors okay it.”
“It won’t be for some time. I still need to ask him. And Anthony’s sisters will never let me get away with a small wedding. So it would be a while away.”
“Good. I’ll be there. If it’s what you want, then you know I’ll do it. I’m here for you.”
“Good.” Dean cleared his throat. “What are the doctors saying about your heart?”
“It beats.”
“Weiss….”
“Ah, you know doctors. All bossy and Godlike about it. And all the medical stuff hasn’t given me time to even figure out what to do next. I’m so fucking lost. I—”
Shit! Aaron pulled the phone from his ear and stared at it, appalled he’d revealed so much. “Forget it! I was only having a little pity party for a moment. It’s all good. You know me; I’ll bounce back in no time.”
“Weiss… I—I felt all that too when I got out. And I turned out fine here. Hang in there, Rabbi.”
Aaron smiled slightly at his old nickname. Dean fit the cliché of a Special Forces guy—all muscle and toughness—while Aaron freely admitted to being more Seinfeld than Schwarzenegger.
Aaron drew in a deep breath. “Yeah. I’ll be fine. I know. And wow, Pierce, you actually did more than grunt at me. Your boyfriend has really improved your communication skills.” He forced himself to continue to talk cheerfully then, because that’s what people expected from him. Nobody liked complaining. But even as he joked with Pierce, Aaron cradled the phone to his cheek and tried to ignore the giant-sized lump in his throat.
“AARON, YOU’RE here,” his dad said as he walked into the apartment. He clasped Aaron’s shoulder tightly. “You’re here.”
“Hey, Dad. Sorry I haven’t stopped by sooner, but—”
“No, no. I’m glad you’re here now.” He shook Aaron’s hand, pumping it up and down. “Really glad, son.”
“Thanks.” They shook hands some more. Aaron had rarely seen his dad like this, so emotional, but the last time he’d seen Aaron was in a hospital and his dad never did well with medical issues. His mom had always handled anything involving blood, scrapes, or broken bones.
“Come and see Valerie.”
Valerie was a few years younger than Aaron, a fact he was trying not to dwell on. At nearly fifty, his dad was a total second marriage, December to May cliché, but Aaron had been gone so long he wanted to reserve judgment about it. His dad had been divorced a long time and he seemed happy with Valerie in his e-mails, so…. It was odd, though, looking at her pert little nose and freshly scrubbed face, her hair pulled back in a scrunchy, and having to think of her as his dad’s actual wife. On top of that, he had a new baby brother, Matthew.
“Nate’s been pacing at the door, waiting for you,” Valerie said.
“I haven’t been pacing,” his dad protested, flushing a little.
“Yes, you have, honey. It’s sweet too.”
Aaron looked at his dad’s embarrassed expression, which he was certain matched his own, and then looked away.
“So that’s my little brother, huh?”
“Yep. This is Matthew.”
“Hi, Aaron!” Valerie pretended to have Matthew give him a wave. “I’m so excited you’re here!” She bounced up and down on the couch, which made Matthew gurgle happily.
“You too.” Aaron bent down and gave her a quick hug in return. Valerie seemed nice—she was so friendly, Aaron had to like her somewhat—but it was a little like having the featherbrained head cheerleader for a stepmother.
“And here he is! Matthew!” His dad’s voice filled with pride. “Look at this. My two sons!”
Aaron smiled at his dad and then looked down at the baby.
Matthew was pudgy and had only a little whirl of hair on the top of his head. He looked right at Aaron, and Aaron felt an unexpected rush of pure emotion. He’d always wanted a sibling. He’d dreamed of it right up until his parents had gotten divorced.
“He is a cute little guy.”
“Oh here.” Valerie held him out. “Take him!”
“No. Thanks, but um, I—”
“You must. Really. It’s fine. Hold him.”
He gamely held him a moment, patting his dimpled thighs. He was incredibly soft. Matthew’s skin was like fresh dough. As Aaron looked down at his little brother and he looked back at Aaron so trustingly, he knew he was already lost. He leaned in and whispered, “Want to know a secret? I can’t wait until you’re older. We can play sports and hang out. And bitch about Dad.”
Matthew made a gurgling noise of approval, and Aaron’s throat clogged up. That did it. Matthew was going to own a big piece of him.
“Aw! I’m getting out my camera.” Valerie rummaged through her bag. “Don’t move!”
“Right.” Aaron held Matthew in his arms, carefully cradling his head. “So when does he talk and stuff?”
“Not for quite a long time.”
“We’re sorry you missed his Bris. But hey, in thirteen years, you can be at his bar mitzvah.”
“Sure.”
“Valerie,” his dad said.
“What?”
“Nothing. You don’t need to…. Never mind.”
Valerie wasn’t Jewish, but she was attempting to raise Matthew as a Jew. Technically, as Aaron’s mom loved to point out, the mother must be Jewish for the baby to be Jewish, but Valerie couldn’t quite get herself to give up on Christmas. So Matthew would end up a mixture of the two religions most likely, which Aaron thought was fine. More holidays, more presents. He thought his dad had told him Valerie was Catholic, so poor Matthew would have more guilt too—Catholic and Jewish—to live up to. Poor kid.
The only other time he’d seen Valerie, on leave for his dad’s wedding, she had tried so hard to go out of her way to talk about Jewish things to him that his friend Pierce would have gotten a kick out of it. The guys in the Night Stalkers, his old unit, had nicknamed him “The Rabbi” because he was the only Jewish one there, but truthfully, other than trying to observe some of the high holidays and attend an occasional Passover Seder, Aaron wasn’t religious at all.
He handed Matthew back to Valerie, careful not to release him until he was safely in his mother’s hands.
“He looks a little like you did as a baby,” his dad said.
“He does?” Aaron studied Matthew’s drooling mouth. The baby sucked on his fist.
“Sure. The eyes. I see it there.”
“His are blue, Dad.”
“Baby blue. It will change. You can see the dark color underneath that.”
Aaron smiled bemusedly at his dad. He’d usually been at work most of Aaron’s childhood, busy making money. He’d never heard his father get all poetic about baby eyes before or anything like that. He would have bet his dad wouldn’t have even held him as a baby, but maybe he was wrong. The thought warmed him.
“Anyhow, enough baby talk. Tell me, what are you going to do now? How will you be making a living?”
Aaron choked back a laugh. Okay, now that sounded more like his father. That was a familiar question too, one his dad had been asking him since he’d been small and dreaming of baseball. His dad’s motto was “make a living.” Aaron knew it was the way his dad showed his love. It had made him feel accomplished to earn a good salary, to pay for things; at least Aaron had always thought so. Up until Valerie, his dad had never seemed to want for more.
“I’ve been thinking about it, actually. I’ve always liked computers, you know that. And I’ve been looking into getting certified. I might sign up for a few courses this spring. You really don’t need years of school, so it would work out well for me. I’m looking into the programs.”
“I love my computer,” Valerie offered. “I’m on Facebook all the time. Oh! I know a guy from school who does some really cool gaming things too. My friend Lenny. I’ll e-mail him for you!”
“No, really, Valerie, that’s nice of you but—”
“Do you ever get into that gaming stuff?”
“Um, yeah, I’ve been gaming for years as a hobby, but—”
“Fantastic! I’ll send him an e-mail tonight. Lenny will respond. He totally owes me for setting him up with his girlfriend, too.”
Matthew began to cry then, a startling loud wail, and she scooped him up. “Ew! Mr. Stinky Stink-Pants, time for a diaper change.” She smiled at Aaron. “He’s at the first cereal stage now and his poops are lethal. Big and smelly messes!”
“Right,” Aaron said lamely. What was he supposed to say exactly about baby poop? Why did new moms always think people would want to know about their baby’s poop anyhow? Gross.
Aaron rose to his feet politely as Valerie left the room. He eyed his red-faced little brother one last time. They’d have so much fun once he got that diaper business out of the way.
“She means well,” his dad said. “She has a great heart. Anyhow, tell me about you. Tell me, besides the job hunt, what else are you up to?”
“Besides that? Well, not much. I guess that my plans are to find a place soon. I need to move out and be on my own. I can’t live with Mom and Grandma Belle.”
“Grandma Belle. God, I can only imagine. Is she still the way I remember her?”
“Pretty much.”
“I’d ask you here”—his dad glanced toward the baby’s room—“but it may not be feasible.”
“No, Dad, I get it. Grandma Belle is fine to me; it’s Mom and her who bicker. Anyway, I wouldn’t want to crowd you here. You have your own family.”
“You’re my family too, Aaron. Please don’t think differently about that. Can I help you out some other way? Give you a check?” His dad lowered his voice.
“If I need it. Right now, I’m good.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Aaron knew his dad would help him, if push came to shove, but he’d made his way alone for years, never asking his parents for a thing, and he hated asking them now.
“So where will you go? I suppose you’ll find some roommates?”
“I don’t know.” Aaron frowned. “I’ve lived with so many people over the past years; all I want is some peace and quiet. I might try getting my own place.”
“Can you afford that in the city?”
“Nope. The army isn’t exactly giving me my full benefits, not with a medical discharge. I guess I can move across the river. Live in Hoboken.”
“New Jersey?” His dad, who’d spent his entire life on Upper West Manhattan, shuddered. “Really, Aaron.”
“Yes, really, Dad. I wouldn’t suffer in New Jersey.” Aaron laughed.
“You’re impossible.”
“Then I haven’t changed.”
“Promise me that wherever you move, New Jersey or elsewhere, you won’t lose touch. You’ll call. Visit.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“It happens. Take Saul’s youngest.”
“Jesse?”
“Yeah. Remember him? He owns some cockamamie wildlife farm. He must live on berries or some earthy-crunchy shit. It’s right outside of where we used to summer every year. A pretty area, but that Jesse never comes home. From what Naomi and Saul tell me, he’s one odd duck.”
“Jesse! Boy, I haven’t thought of him in a long time. He used to write to me while I was away. He was a really good pen pal to me. Is he going to the Rosses’ anniversary party? I could probably catch up with him there.”
“I don’t know. Sarah and Gregory are a definite yes, but with Jesse? Nobody knows. Like I said, he’s an odd duck.” His dad shot him a look. “You know, Aaron, you might be able to persuade him to come to his parents’ party. I know it would thrill Saul if all his children showed up.”
“Me?”
“Sure. Jesse was crazy about you. So if you want to see him, this might be your chance. And if you’re able to convince him to return to the city in a few weeks’ time, even better. Take my Audi. Since I walk to work, I haven’t driven it in ages. It’s all yours.”
“I don’t know, Dad. I doubt he’d care what I think and it’s a pretty far drive.”
“Make a long weekend out of it. Why not? The fresh air and countryside might do you some good.”
“I’m fine.”
“I know. Sure. Of course you are. But weren’t you saying you could use a break?”
“Well….”
“It would be a nice little vacation for you.”
“I could drive up there for fun and take a breather. I guess. Maybe see Jesse. But no promises about the party.”
“Understood.”
IT WAS a gorgeous drive. It was hard to keep his eyes on the road when there was so much beauty in the landscape. Aaron liked the city, always had, but this drive was exactly what he needed right now. Rolling down his windows, Aaron took a deep breath of the crisp fall air. It smelled like campfires, fresh earth, and sweet flowers. Those summers with his and the Ross family had been good times, before his parents’ divorce and before his loss of Gregory’s friendship. Maybe because those two events had happened closely together, they both lingered in his mind as the end of his childhood. Not that he’d entered the army a man, surely not. He’d been a scared, confused boy back then, but he’d grown up since. He’d been responsible for fellow soldiers, he’d flown choppers into the heart of enemy lines, and he’d made his independence known.
That’s why all this sucked. His parents both meant well, but every anxious look, every piece of unsolicited advice made him balk. He knew finding a place of his own would make his mom sad, but Aaron truly thought it was for the best. His parents loved him, and Aaron understood that he was lucky, but living with them didn’t feel like home anymore. He wasn’t sure where home was for him.
Aaron turned onto a dirt road, the car bumping up and down on the unpaved stretch. Good thing it wasn’t winter, because the bumpy road was all uphill and the Audi didn’t have four-wheel drive. The car edged forward, with nothing in sight but the king-sized trees towering all around him. It didn’t surprise him that Jesse would choose to live out here. He always was a kid more at home in the wild. It was hard to picture Jesse looking any other way than with his painfully skinny frame, dirty feet, smudged glasses, and a sketch pad in his hand as he followed Aaron and Gregory around.
Jesse had faithfully written to Aaron for years, but Aaron still pictured him as that boy. Truthfully, when Jesse’s very first letter had arrived at Aaron’s basic training camp, he’d been disappointed. As he turned it over and saw the return address labeled simply “Ross,” Aaron’s heart had flipped over. He’d been so sure it was Gregory writing to him, but it had been Jesse.
Hi Aaron,
Your mom gave me this address. I hope it’s okay that I write to you. How’s basic training? Are the officers mean? The summer seems weird without you and Gregory here. Did you know Gregory is giving up baseball? He says he wants to only concentrate on school, but it’s so dumb. I would never abandon something I love for better grades. Oh, hey I hope you don’t mind that I mention him. I know you guys had some big fight, or whatever. Gregory can be stupid. Believe me, I know!
Anyhow, I wish you were here this summer.
Your friend,
Jesse
Aaron had crumpled the letter up. Not hearing from Gregory had been a kick in the teeth. Hurt cramped him and he pushed his thoughts away. But Jesse’s letters had kept on coming. Slowly, Aaron began to look forward to them. It took him away from his day-to-day life. The endless drills, bad food, the smell of body odor and gunpowder. Aaron was still in the first phase of training—the grueling physical side. Exhaustion was too mild a word for how he felt, and unlike some of the other Rambo types, Aaron wasn’t certain he was looking forward to phase two and learning all about weapons, guns and bayonets and tanks. At that time, he wasn’t certain where he would fit into the army, if any place. Jesse’s letters began to be like a balm to him, soothing him, taking him away for a while.
Dear Aaron,
I’m basically writing this in my English class, instead of passing notes like other kids. My teacher, Mr. Cook, is an idiot. He reads any notes he finds out loud to the class, and he writes our names on the board if we misbehave in any way. Isn’t public shaming against some school policy? Plus, Mr. Cook has awful breath. I can’t listen to him discuss A Separate Peace when all I can think is he needs a better toothpaste.
On the other hand, he’s not as bad as Mrs. Langston. She tries to be everybody’s “friend.” There’s nothing more annoying than a teacher who still wants to be popular, you know?
Sorry to complain. I hate school. Too many people. I can’t breathe. The kids are jerks to me. They think I’m weird. Whenever I walk into class, I get a prickly feeling down my neck.
Yours,
Jesse
P.S.
Sorry to hear about all the things going on with your parents’ divorce.
P.P.S.
I still owe you that favor
Aaron realized then that he’d been selfishly reading Jesse’s letters for weeks, and he’d yet to write back to the poor kid. He was a total asshole. After heading back to his bunk, Aaron took out a pen and scrounged around for some paper. He should really tell Jesse to start e-mailing him too, but truthfully, there was just something about receiving paper letters with old-fashioned stamps that appealed to Aaron. It made him feel as if this might be summer camp and not the army, and he wasn’t headed off to some dangerous, unknown fighting soon, but simply on a strange vacation from home. Of course it wasn’t summer camp at all. It was serious and intense, and nothing that Aaron felt like sharing with Jesse. Besides, Jesse clearly had troubles of his own. He never did fit in with other kids. Jesse could use a friend. So he kept his tone light:
Hiya, Jesse!
Try not to worry too much about the other kids in school. When you graduate and get out into the real world, all of that bullshit seems small and petty. I meet people from all over now. Sometimes, it takes a little effort to get past first impressions. As for the teachers, if you’re like Gregory and Sarah, you probably can’t help being the smartest kid in the room. But, shit, I remember Mr. Cook. His breath stank back then too. Yuck.
Hang in there. Things really do change.
Aaron
What Aaron didn’t say in his letter to Jesse was that drill sergeants could be like teachers. There were good ones and bad. Aaron had been lucky at first, but his new sergeant was a mean son of a bitch who didn’t much care for Aaron. He’d been going over Aaron’s work assignment, the same assignment he’d gone over before, and Aaron had made the mistake of cutting him off and saying, “I got it, sir.” Now Sergeant Todd thought he was ill-mannered, when all Aaron intended was to show how eager he was for duty. Big mistake. He shouldn’t have interrupted, but Sergeant Todd was a slow talker. Aaron struggled to redeem himself that entire week, and he was tired and unhappy. Jesse’s letters continued, and each one felt like home to Aaron. He waited now for them to come. Meanwhile, Aaron had finally found somewhere to fit into the army. He’d learned that he loved flying. After finishing basic, he applied for ground school and initial flight training. It was a win/win. He got away from Sergeant Todd, and he’d started to learn things about choppers—how to take off, hover, and land. He wrote several letters to Jesse at that time in his excitement:
Hi Jesse!
I’m learning to be a chopper pilot. Did I mention it before? I’m learning to feel the rhythm of the bird. That’s what the gals and guys in my flight program call the choppers. There’s a shit load to learn, but I like it a lot. That’s my favorite time—when I’m heading up and looking into the sky and everything else is beyond the horizon. It’s kind of awesome to be doing something real. I fall into bed each night totally fatigued but in a good way. I met a new bunkmate today, Dean Pierce. He’s bigger than a mountain and about as talkative. All the guy does is point or grunt. I can’t see us becoming friends, but I don’t really care, as long as Pierce doesn’t bother me. Anyhow, I’m excited because once I finish flight school, I will be deployed. I’m not sure where, but I’ll keep you posted.
Take care,
Aaron
Dear Aaron,
A chopper pilot, huh? I’m not surprised. You probably fly like you pitch. With accuracy and speed. I always thought you had some bird inside you. Not an eagle or a hawk, although they are great birds, but a spine-tailed swift. Do you know about them? Spine-tailed swift are amazingly fast birds. They reach their top speeds in what scientists call their “screaming parties” during mating season too. Since I’ve been reading all about birds, I think you would be a swift. And yeah, here I go again babbling about animals.
Oh, and guess what? Gregory actually defended me yesterday from some kids in the neighborhood. He chased them off and walked me inside. When I asked him why, he shrugged and said, “I’m your brother.” Most of the time, he stays away at college and doesn’t bother with me, but I guess he was feeling generous since he’s only home on a holiday break. It made me feel good, but later that same day, he shut the door to his room and wouldn’t let me in. So I suppose he’s not all bad, but I doubt we will ever like the same things. You know?
My other news (and this won’t shock you I don’t think) is that I’ve given up eating meat of any kind. I told my parents about it last week over their prime rib dinner. I told them exactly why and how cruel the meat markets are and all of that. They said nothing. Sometimes, I don’t think they are even my real parents. I keep on waiting for them to tell me that I’m adopted.
Your friend,
Jesse
Hey there,
Say it isn’t so? You gave up meat? That’s it, we can’t be pals. I feel guilty enough over all the bacon I consume, I refuse to feel guilty over cows too. All in all, flight school is way better than basic. It’s odd though. Here I am about to be trusted in a Chinook, worth big bucks to the army, and I can’t even legally go into bars back home. I hope I’m decent at it. I was lucky to score a 90 on my Flight Aptitude test, am medically fit, and have my commander’s endorsement. I guess I’m doing better here in the army than I ever did at regular school, so I might have made the right choice.
I’m glad Gregory stepped up. What’s he up to? Oh, and Sarah too… I think of them sometimes and of our summers.
Sorry this letter is brief, but I was always pretty lousy at writing. Keep up your letters though, okay? They always make me smile. I’ll write more about that in a little while. Promise!
Aaron
Only he hadn’t written much. Once Aaron had been deployed to Afghanistan, he’d written less and less. For a long time, Jesse continued to write to him, weekly, like clockwork, but eventually, when Aaron failed time and time again to write Jesse back, his letters stopped.
THE ROAD broke open a little and sunlight filled his window. All along the road now were gently rolling hills of the softest green. A handful of sheep and a few cows looked at him with big, soulful brown eyes as they wandered closer to the road. Aaron stopped driving a moment to simply watch them. Something deep inside him loosened a little as he looked at the animals and heard nothing but the rustle of the wind and the occasional birdcall.
He’d probably go crazy if he lived out here full time. He liked company all around him, the bustle of the city, the energy of it. He enjoyed meeting people from all over, one of the army’s perks. He couldn’t imagine going day after day alone.
Aaron turned onto another road that had a simple mailbox sitting there in the middle of nowhere that read J. Ross. It was a completely secluded spot, no neighbors anywhere in sight, and all along the unpaved driveway, the trees were lush with leaves, bursting full of vivid reds and oranges and yellows. The sky was inviting, clear and cloudless. Aaron had to admit—
It was so beautiful it almost hurt.
He saw a pretty log cabin nestled at the foothill of a small mountain. Two freshly painted barns stood nearby. He hoped his father had remembered to call Jesse. He’d offered to take care of it, and Aaron hadn’t much cared.
“Oh, well, Jesse. Hope you like surprises.”
Aaron checked himself in the mirror. He thought he looked pretty good. He got out of his dad’s Audi and went to the sturdy wooden door and knocked. Dogs barked wildly, both high yippee-sounding barks and deep low growls, and then the door swung open and a man loomed in front of him.
The words of greeting died on Aaron’s lips.
The man looked completely, late-night, B grade, stalker-movie crazy. Aaron took an instinctive step back.
Wild tangles of blond hair hung down to his shoulders, and his clothes were splattered with what looked like blood. He had an ugly scar that hooked downward from the top of his cheek to where it met the bushiest beard Aaron had ever seen. Only his eyes were familiar, intelligent and fierce, a stormy combination of dark blue with a steely gray ring, staring back at him.
“Jesse?”
“Hi, Aaron,” he said quietly. He opened the door wider for Aaron to enter.
Skylar M Cates
Emotional, Roller-Coaster Romance
Skylar M. Cates loves a good, heartfelt romance, especially ones that are both steamy and emotionally satisfying. She is quite happy to drink some coffee, curl up with a good book, and not move all day. Her novels feature strong, passionate characters who care about their friends and family. Skylar loves to craft stories where people are challenged by vulnerable situations. Although lately the laundry room is the farthest place she has visited, Skylar still loves to chat with people from all around the globe. Contact her on Twitter, Facebook, or through her newsletter.
The Only Guy #2
Series
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